(Pictured above is the jet-setting, D.C. trend-setter Amalah).

Blathmac Blather, Ireland?s best blog reportage
It seems that Dublin's own Archie Belemus has been on a bender since November 5, 2004 when he was last seen wandering the streets of Chicago wrapped in nothing but a Kerry/Edwards banner, drunk and howling piteously. Though probably not fit for the Guinness book of note, this is certainly Archie's personal record and one that blows F.Scott Fitzgerald's paltry weekend binges out of the water. But the kilt-wearing, redhead has surfaced-- in Washington D.C. of all places (perhaps stirring yet again the rumors that he actually works for the CIA). And whom has he trapped in his tractor beam of love but the angelic Amalah.

Archie: So, pretty woman you've just celebrated a birthday and you are a Diarist winner--- is there anything else ahead of you? You've scaled the mountain at such a young age.

Amalah: Flattery about my age will get you nowhere. I'm feeling old after my birthday and frankly, plan to spend the majority of 2005 drunk off my ass.

Archie: How about flattery about your shoes? Those heavy fur boots make your calves look slender.

Amalah: I'm a little disturbed to see you wearing a matching pair.

Archie: (looks down) Damn. I'll be-- they do match. If you could only have one alcholic beverage for the rest of your life-- what would it be?

Amalah: (begins to shake violently at the prospect)

Archie: You're fond of a good drink, eh? How old were you when you got your first buzz of the elixir of life?

Amalah: Hmm, about 17? Not counting communion wine my friends stole once.

Archie: 17!! What the hell were you doing with your youth, woman? Don't tell me it was still pink lemonade and shirley temples in those early teen years . .

Amalah: I was a very good girl. And also, a nerd.

Archie: Ahhhh how the mighty fall.

Amalah: I was also afraid of dying and going hell.

Archie: And now?

Amalah: Eh. I've had a good run.

Archie: You are at work on a novel--- can you give us any hints? tantalizing bits?

Amalah: It's going to be the Bridget Jones' Diary for the chained-to-the-computer-social-outcast-set.

Archie: When it gets made into a film, who will play the heroine? Scarlett Johanssen? Winona Rider?

Amalah: Meredith Baxter Birney, the Family Ties years.

Archie: (snorting with laughter) Honey? Have you seen old Meredith of late? She'd need more than plastic surgery to take on such a young thing role. Who will play the rogue nerd who steals the heroine's heart and buys her gift certificates to Sephora?

Amalah: JFK Jr., the Alive Years.

Archie: Ahhh I see-- keeping your cards close to your chest-- a smart sheila you are. Given that January follows both your birthday and Christmas-- is it an anticlimatic month for you? How do you keep on keeping on?

Amalah: I fucking hate January. But Jason usually buys me expensive things for Valentine's Day, so I'll make it. Also, booze, duh.

Archie: Has your father finally "got it" now that you have a Diarist award-- is he cutting you more slack on the blogging thing, and since we're speaking of 'rents-- how do you write so openly knowing people who know you are reading it-- does that not freak you out sometimes? Or are you the type that showers with the window open?

Amalah: Slow down there, Smelly McSmellerson, one question at a time!

Archie: (sniffs under arm) I smell? I put on a ton of cologne . . .

Amalah: My dad thinks the Diarist Awards are bullocks, because I did not receive any money from them.

Archie: That's rather capitalist of him.

Amalah: We is all about the Benjamins in my family.

Archie: What about fame for fame's sake?

Amalah: I used to dream about being the next Meredith Baxter Birney, but now I just want people to buy me gifts from my wish list.

Archie: What is with you and Meredith? What did she have going on?

Amalah: It's a long story involving me, Kelly from 90210, and a furniture mover.

Archie: I'll buy you another drink . . .

Amalah: Ok, so people used to always tell me I looked exactly like Kelly from 90210. All the time. I would get asked for autographs and everything. So this one time, right after we moved, I was settling up the bill with our movers, and the one guy was all, "Wow. You look JUST LIKE that woman from TV. You are her TWIN!" So I said, "Oh yeah, Jennie Garth. I get that all the time." And he said, "No...not her..."

Archie: (holding head) Oh noooo.

Amalah: And I actually argued with him that yes, that's who he was thinking of.

Archie: Not MEREDITH.

Amalah: Yes. "THE MOM FROM FAMILY TIES." I was 24 and realized that I had officially peaked.

Archie: Did you freak right there in front of him? Is this how your drinking problem began?

Amalah: So I've pursued Internet SuperStardom instead ever since. Because I can photoshop all my photos. . .

Archie: . . .so much easier to alter photos on line.

Amalah: Exactly.

Archie: Ah-- we think alike! You're a genius. And a drunk.

Amalah: The drunker I get, the more I like you, man.

Archie: Just wait til you've passed out in your own throw-up-- then I'm gonna be like a god. But enough about me, let's say the fame and the benjamins come fast and furious-- then what? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?

Amalah: I want a very big house and a BMW. And servants. And lots of free clothes to wear to Important Parties.

Archie: What kind of BMW?

Amalah: The expensive kind. A convertible, easy to park, yet powerful enough to run people over in the Hamptons with.

Archie: Hahahahahahhaha. They put you in overnight detention for that, my pretty and there's no saying who's gonna share your cell that night . . .

Amalah: Not if it's a fast BMW.

Archie: Too right. One question for you-- how did you get into blogging? Do you remember the first blog you ever read?

Amalah: Yes I do. It was Hashai by AB Chao.

Archie: Hey. Did you ever get that assistant you've been interviewing for?

Amalah: (weeps)

Archie: Cause I could help you interview, you know. I could totally hook you up with an old girlfriend or two. Well-- maybe not the second one-- she was kind of skanky and you work in a nice office, right?

Amalah: No skanks, please. I believe that's on the want ad.

Archie: How does the want ad read?

Amalah: WANTED: Editorial Assistant to bask in glory of Award-Winning Editor and serve her without question. Must never misuse punctuation but should also understand that when Award-Winning Editor uses punctuation creatively, it's because she is a genius. Also must possess brain and coffee-making ability.

Archie: Oh that'll pull'em in, for sure. Well, babe-- great talking with you.

Amalah: A bit of advice for you, friend. See your dentist, soon.

Archie: (Presses on bleeding gums) Yeah they are getting a bit soft.

NOTE:
(for gatsby)
Previous Archie sightings can be viewed on
aug 26,
sept 2,
sep 8,
sep 24.

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