January 31, 2005 3:05 PM- Dogs Gone Wild

As I cast about for better ways to earn the dollars necessary to participate in this great sociologial experiment called "How the Undeserving Are Always Rewarded" (some of you playing at home might have another version of the game called "Human Beings Just Aren't Smart Enough To Create A Society That Doesn't Degenerate Into A Battle for Power and Riches", but really, different version, same game) I was inspired by my two dogs.

Yes, those little lovemuffins who have mastered the art of the full butt wiggle of happiness may bring more than a smile to my lips. They might actually bring in cold hard cash.

Here's the plan: Dogs Gone Wild, the movie. Kind of like The Blair Witch Project, but faster paced and with less dialogue.

Allow me to backtrack. As I have mentioned in previous posts, on more more than one occasion our dogs (though normally most unremarkable) have exhibited outrageous behavior. The kind of behavior that makes T and me look like reprehensible animal owners. (I would venture to say our behavior is, in fact, reprehensible . . but whatever. ) The kind of behavior that has our home phone number posted at the police dispatch in three towns. The kind of behavior I'm almost afraid to share with you because I know you will either flay me alive with your fury and outrage or you will leave this blog never to return again to my evil, evil haunt.

But, in view of yesterday's NYT article*, I would like to say mommy blogs don't have the corner on self-absorption. Hell no. Child-free blogs have even MORE room for self-absorption (I kind of even feel like a paper towel) seeing as there are no kids in the picture to suck away content. Thus, whether you stay or go, I shall continue on chronicling my travesty of animal parenthood because we of the self-absorbed blog world are nothing like self-absorbed journalists who need an audience.

So, back to the moment of my great cinematic vision.

Saturday afternoon T is working up at Soliden. He calls to check in at 3 pm and mentions, the dogs have run off. Grrrrr. Deer-chasers. The brats.

Why are they not caged?

Why are they not on a leash?

How could this happen, AGAIN?

Yes. Yes. I hear you---- they are not caged because we want them to enjoy running through the fields. They are not on a leash because T is working. They do take flight which is of great concern and demonstrates our failed training. YES, I HEAR YOU. It's the equivalent of leaving a 2 year-old to roam the mall while we take in a movie.

T comes home at dark. No sign of the dogs even though, at my suggestion, he grilled a hamburger to try and entice them back.

I go up at 8 pm. Alone. Have I ever described how remote the property is where we propose to live? Let me just say, I got out of my car (leaving it running and the headlights on) and kept jumping in terror AT MY OWN SHADOW. The only source of light for miles and miles, besides the moon and the stars, were my two headlights. I call. I wait. I whistle. I check the shed that has a little dog door. But no dogs. There is nothing to be done. Our property backs into the White Mountains. Thousands of miles of wilderness. I get back into my car and drive home.

As I drive, I think about the coyotes that roam this area. I have horrific visions of Ollie and Henry being surrounded by a pack of hungry coyotes (much like the scene in Disney's Beauty and the Beast with no Beast to save them) and my stomach flips up into my mouth and I don't think I am going to be able to breathe. I am mad at us. I am mad at them. I am agitated beyond measure.

We go to bed that night. Me, thinking I am never going to see my dogs again. T, certain they will come back when they feel like it and crawl into their cozy shed scene and sleep it off like two young men after a big night on the town.

6:30 am. Neither of us slept well. T heads straight up to Soliden and calls to say, "they're here." When I finally put my hands on their golden heads and stare deep into their dark brown eyes--- I see secrets. They have had the time of their life. They have seen things and done things that other dogs only dream about. And that's when it hits me.

I'll strap two mini cameras to their heads. Cameras that will automatically click on night vision lights when necessary to document their crazy-assed wild times.

It's gonna be big. But it won't be happening anytime soon. Cause the dogs? They are SO grounded. No TV, no PlayStation, no hanging out at the mall and NO telephone calls from friends.

*NOTE: for anyone reading this who doesn't know me I feel obliged to footnote that the NYT article was utter horseshit. My guess as to why such contempt would be oozing out from between each sentence is that the author fears strong, powerful, funny writing that puts his output to shame. But that's just me guessing. Maybe his penis is smaller than a roll of lipbalm and he writes to distract himself from his sense of inadequacy. Again, just guessing here.

Soliden Update below:

got 2 cents?

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wee says:
a roll of Lipbalm!!! steamy hot pee is soaking my unmentionables now! Oddly, Johnny Rocketship called me first thing this morning to say he had just discovered that Animal Planet is counterprogramming the Superbowl with a three hour broadcast of puppies playing football. He saw this as a direct rip-off of our own brilliant plan to create the ALL PPPY network which would feature nothing but puppies of all sorts rolling about chasing butterflies, eating toilet paper, cavorting merrily, investigating each other's droppings and licking their privates (just cuz they can). The Wildering Wanderings of the Butterscotch Boyz could be a prime time feature. and we will be rich beyond all measure.
posted on: January 31

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bp says:
*wiping brow* oh PHEW. I was so afraid of the wrath of Wee for my unforgivable dog owner failures. But instead? She's ready to cut me into prime time. Baby! Bring it.
posted on: January 31

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Erica says:
Judging from many of the pictures you've posted, The Ollie and Henry show will probably have to be posted on cable. No sense incurring the wrath of the FCC if you're trying to get rich. But I would totally pay for premium cable just to see what they get up to when you're not looking.
posted on: January 31

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meg says:
yes! We are the Bounty of self-absorbed blogdom with our four legged furkids (and you KNOW how much I love to talk about mine.) Hey wee, are you the one they did the "THis American Life" piece on? there was actually someone who went to much time and expense to create and market a Puppy Channel (with a very annoying theme song, yet cute in a stick-to-your-brain-like-mush sort of way). Yes, I kid you not. From the March 7, 2003 show: Act One. Puppy Love. Molly FitzSimons tells the story of her father starting over. After 25 years in the same zip code, as an executive in the same company, he moved to LA and tried to start over in a new life with a new venture: a cable channel, with no people, no talking, no plots, but lots and lots of puppies. It's now on the web: www.thepuppychannel.com. (15 minutes) heeheehee p.s. to bp - I love getting the Soliden updates!
posted on: January 31

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stephanie says:
I just want to know how they came back?! My wild beasts would be gone, sniffing their way to an early death. Impressive.
posted on: January 31

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Sheryl says:
Framing! Framing is good. Also, having grown up around many coyotes I am hear to tell you they are wusses. Unlesss you're a cat. They did eat Handsome, my beloved feline, but trust me, Ollie and Henry are in no danger.
posted on: January 31

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nichole says:
hmm..guess now I don't have to feel so bad about letting Kipper fall into the swimming pool.....four times.
posted on: January 31

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gatsby says:
first, have the boys actually returned to their home, or are they just laying low until the heat dies down on whatever criminal activities they engaged in? be honest with yourself bp, they robbed a minimart and you're now an accessory after the fact. terrible. next, i was thinking about having a baby just to increase the hits on my blog... is that wrong somehow? i typed it into my ethical rangefinder and it didn't even respond; maybe the battery's dead.
posted on: January 31

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lizardek says:
The boys on an all-night bender. Now THAT makes for riveting blog reading :) (and viewing). And look! You have walls! I remember when the walls went up on our house...what a cool feeling.
posted on: February 01

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frecklegirl says:
It just shows how much you love them by how pissed off they make you, huh? Silly boys, to worry you so much! That article was obnoxious...
posted on: February 01

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Molly says:
I almost couldn't read til the end, I was so worried about your little beasts! But boys will be boys, forever and always, right? And THANK YOU for pointing out how condecending and pointless that article was. Isn't most creative writing self-absorbed? Isn't that the point to blogs - to put yourself in the medium. That's why everyone reads. Would the NYTimes think men who blog about their work warrented a similar article? Grrr.
posted on: February 01

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bad penguin says:
Who wouldn't want to watch the puppy-cam show? My dog always looks so pleased with himself after he has had an escapade in the woods. I would love to know what he does when he gets off the leash. Your house is really starting to look like a house. How exciting!
posted on: February 01

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