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January 16, 2005 10:10 AM- promises, promises

A week in the life
A life of the weak

Day 1 ? Wake up. Wonder what that heavy, dull feeling in your stomach is. Realize it is Monday. Images of Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz and Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption flash across your inner movie screen. Sit at the bottom of the stairs while the dogs wiggle, whine, lick and lavish you with love in a state of frenzied, overjoyed excitement. Try to imagine what life would be like if there were only four modes: loving, eating, playing, chasing. Get dressed. Drive to work chanting the mantra ?I am free.? Get to work and have office scenes from Brazil and that really awful 'Joe's Volcano one with Tom Hanks' rolling through your head.

Day 2 -- Bounce out of bed because today you won?t be at work until noon. Play outside with the dogs in the snow. Get dressed. Go to the light healer?s. Remember what it feels like to be alive. Sail into work. Close the door to your office and write notes on the last four scenes of the play you are working on. Feel better.

Day 3 -- Stumble out of bed. Pull on some clothes. Arrive late to work. Again. Lose yourself in so many meaningless but busy meetings that you don?t even know what day it is. Get home and go straight to bed.

Day 4 -- Wake up in a crystal wonderland. Take photos. Remember it is Thursday?you?re nearing the final stretch. Ally calls at work to cancel the Belgian chocolate orgy/fest that you have now centered around Wickedly Perfect (which sucks ass) because they are all sick. Scribble notes throughout the day on a new play that is just coming in. Pick up dinner to bring home even though the fridge is full of food cause you are just that fucking lazy. Dream of a weekend open and full of promise.

Day 5 ? This is it. You did it. Friday is here. Wear black leather pants to work just because. Plan out all the things you want to do this weekend. It is a long list. After dinner when you are just settling in to the computer T calls down that Laurel Canyon is on. You LOVE this movie. LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie. Make mental note that you will opine on this movie to share the love. Go upstairs and have moment of perfect contentment as you and T watch this flick with the boys cuddled around you. Perfect happiness.

Day 6 ? Sleep in too late. Feel like shit. Feel weighed down by all the things you wanted to get done in a single day. Write for an hour. Beat yourself up for two hours that you only wrote for one. Take a nap. Go to bed early.

Day 7 -- Wake up. Hold your head in your hands and wonder how you can accomplish so little and be such a fucking loser piece of sh**t. T comes in to find you beating yourself up.

T (shouting) Stop beating yourself up!

You (shouting back) I know. Don't shout at me. It doesn't help!

And then he comes over and holds you close and strokes your head and says, "You?re making all this possible. You doing the grind every week makes it posible for us to have the 82. Let yourself have a nothing weekend. Why can?t you just let yourself have a nothing weekend? It hurts me so much to see you do this to yourself."

And then he goes to Home Depot for supplies cause the carpenters arrive tomorrow. (The carpenters arrive tomorrow!!!)

And you finish your coffee and make a plan to change your attitude about what a fat, lazy piece of sh**t you are. Tomorrow, that is. Tomorrow you will wake up and feel better about yourself. Promise.

got 2 cents?



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Sheryl says:
Am Disturbed. Shocked. Gobsmacked. How can blue poppy be a piece of s**t? Is Notre Dame a piece of sh**t? Is the Mona Lisa a piece of s**t, okay bad example, but you see where I'm going with this. You are blue poppy. I try not to curse, but tell that voice in your head to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
posted on: January 16

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gatsby says:
there's something funny about this. sheryl just said it, she referred to you as the "blue poppy" i was laughing with a friend the other day, the kind that you know from years of youthful exploits, about my fondness for someone i'm happy to know as "blue poppy" i feel like i'm on a mission whenever i refer to you. i like the goals of our monikers, the device of it, the world of their intentions- i know how my mind fabricates expectations for every little thing- and i anticipate the inherit guilt and mounting video game pressure tethered to it. it's difficult to live like that, but it helps to have a cool psuedonym. two hours of bad attitude for only one hour of work? you're beautiful blue poppy- gatsby over and out.
posted on: January 16

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lizardek says:
In keeping with the other comments, is it weird that I think of you as "bluepoppy" all of a piece, a unique and wonderful crystalline being, so there, so fabulous (and drowsy!). Cut youself some slack, my friend. T is right.
posted on: January 16

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Marilyn says:
I SO relate to this post. But in my week, I'm ALWAYS late for work. (Work...that dreaded thing that interferes with my REAL LIFE!) My problem is that I keep grinding away (well, nearing the end now) and thinking: having this job is enabling me to....um....enabling me to.... Shit. It hasn't enabled me to do SHIT. Because I've used most of my energy the last four years feeling miserable about the situation--expending so much energy in that way that I could have powered the world's largest nuclear pity plant. Okay, it HAS enabled us to do some stuff. But overall? I suck. I am the Hoover Queen of Suckiness in this area. You, however, are simply a Queen. Someone else may have copped the tagline, but you, my dear, are the Queen of Everything. You are about as far from a lazy piece of shit as I can imagine. Because if YOU'RE lazy, I don't even wanna know what I am... :)
posted on: January 16

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Karen says:
Okay, you get to wear LEATHER PANTS to work. This alone makes your work life infinitely better than mine. Hang in there, li'l buckaroo.
posted on: January 17

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type a says:
i've mastered the art of not-beating-myself-up. i should go beat myself up about that, shouldn't i? you're lovely.
posted on: January 17

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frozenmojo says:
bp, i know that i missed the pity party and today you have your tiara on, but i wanted to note that such self beatings are usually a sign of a driven, high performing person; an over-achiever even. ;-) so don't be so hard on yourself!! you're clearly anything but a lazy piece of shit. in my experience, a "nothing" weekend is the best motivator. (your writing spree that followed proves it). you should take more of them. ;-)
posted on: January 17

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bad penguin says:
Knowing you should give yourself a break is much harder than actually learning to give yourself a break. I'm glad things are better today. Oh, and yay for T for appreciating you and trying to help.
posted on: January 17

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Margaret says:
Overachiever? Perfectionist? I also have those "wonderful" qualities. I never feel quite good enough.
posted on: January 17

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Sorry, comments are now closed.




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