SCENE ONE: Little Blue Heaven

God is in his Lazy-boy receiving a pedicure.

GOD: (Throwing his cell phone into the bowl of warm water by his bare feet). Dammit. Clarence!

Clarence enters on the wing.

CLARENCE: Yes sir?

GOD: Some chicky keeps IMing me. I want you to go down there and sort it out.

CLARENCE: Go down there? But God, I'm all done with that. I've got my wings.

GOD: Git on git.

CLARENCE: (Exits) *grumbling*

SCENE TWO: Clarence lands head first in a snowbank

CLARENCE: Fucking A. Why is it always snowing when I'm down here?

BP: *coughing*

CLARENCE: You the one who's been calling on God?

BP: *blowing smoke rings* No.

CLARENCE: Well you need to quit it. I've scanned your life issues and frankly, you should be ashamed, bitch.

BP: Trust me. I am.

CLARENCE: You know I'm missing a really great show being down here with you. Johnny Carson is headlining.

BP: Yeah? Then let's check him out. You can just slide me under your wing-- no one'll notice.

CLARENCE: You know I can't do that. But if you want, I could show you some real suffering if that would help to put your petty shit into perspective.

BP: I know exactly how petty my shit is, thank you.

CLARENCE: I think you just need to start thinking outside the box.

BP: How original. Let's wrestle instead. I've heard wrestling with an angel can be therapeutic.

CLARENCE: I'm a little past my prime for that. (checks his watch) Can't we wrap this up, already? All your problems are in your head. You expect too much and are not nearly grateful enough for all that you have.

BP: I am too grateful you bloodless prick. I'm just a little stuck and trying to get better aligned with something authentic. Bite me.

CLARENCE: What if you eat less and excercise more?

BP: Dude, here's a tip. Seeing as originality is clearly not your strong suit, you might wanna lay off the platitudes. I'm just saying.

(Phone rings. BP answers it and has a conversation in low tones. She hangs up.)

CLARENCE: Was that Tara?

BP: Yeah.

CLARENCE: And you thought YOU had a shitty week.

BP: You're not kidding. Maybe it's just a planetary thing--- bad planet energy that's twisting people's equilibrium into poodle-shaped balloons.

CLARENCE: You're okay then? I can head back?

BP: I was always okay. I was just hurting. That's all. If it hadn't been like freaking centuries since you were living on this planet you would remember that life is often unfair, frequently painful and, depending on the culture you are born into, you may or may not be well-equipped to deal with its vagaries.

CLARENCE: *clears throat*

BP: Yes?

CLARENCE: (Gesturing toward the commenters.) Isn't there something else you'd like to say?

BP: (Kicks at Clarence) I don't need your fucking prompting, dickhead.

(Turns and addresses the commenters.)

There just aren't words enough. I am so amazed that you would take the time to write to me and offer your loving support. If ever I had a blessing it is all of you caring enough about me to tell me to hang in there. It's a crazy fucking world where total strangers can help you to your feet and dust you off and set you to right. But you did. And I thank you. Just know that what you put out into this world comes back to you three-fold, so the kindness you've shown me is coming back atcha big time!

BP bends down, swoops up slowly to send out "The Dating Game" kiss**

CLARENCE: See? No worries. Be happy. Now, if I hurry I can make it back in time for the show.

(Clarence shakes the snow off from his wings and takes to the sky.)

BP: (Putting away the butts). Angels are highly overrated. Commenters are what saves the day.

**If you are too young to know how they ended every show on The Dating Game, I envy you your youth.

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