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January 26, 2005 6:10 PM- Camus, dude-- how'd you hang on so long?
I'm devastated.
Heartsick.
Broken-hearted.
Wish I were dead.
Wish I'd never been born.
Or, as T just put it to me on the phone, "honey, you're having a really bad day."
Not really. It's more that the very last thread of my integrity just went into the shredder. That's the trouble with compromise. You give a little each time thinking of the big picture and how this little bit won't really matter until you've no more pockets to pull from and all you're left with is a bleeding, screaming ego (which really, is a most sucky companion and I would only too willingly jam my ego into a wood chipper like that scene in Fargo at the end of the movie only instead of a leg it would be my ego getting decimated).
The boring boring details of this particular perambulation through hell's eleventh circle concern the publisher of the book that's coming out in June (you know, that stupid piece of shit non-fiction nothing crap that I had most sophomorically pinned all my hopes on of being a stepping stone toward a writing life-- surely I've mentioned it) and my job which is a travesty and simply untenable. (And yes, I know I'm not supposed to expect honesty or accountability in a business environment--that was one of the early concessions I made back when my pockets were all full of bubble gum, jacks and penny candy).
Major change has to occur.
So--- I'm off to smoke every damn cigarette I can find in this house and then when I'm through with them, I'm going to get back in my car which is covered in snow and drive to the convenience store where I will buy more.
After that, I just don't know. But it may be awhile before I'm back.
got 2 cents?
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Amalah says:
Oh darling, I'm sorry.
Fuck the universe sometimes, honestly. Especially the parts that contain that pesky eleventh circle.
posted on: January 26
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Sheryl says:
Sorry things are so rough for you. I hope that your book sells a million copies, and you can march in one morning and quit without notice. Courage.
posted on: January 26
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Erica says:
Oh, BP. I'm sorry that you're feeling so battered. If it's any consolation, the pieces of you that I see here seem to come from someone with great integrity and intelligence -- someone I'm proud to know, even if it's only online.
posted on: January 26
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frozenmojo says:
sending positive thoughts your way. tomorrow will be a much better day.
posted on: January 26
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violetismycolor says:
oh bluepoppy...your posts here are evidence that you are a very talented writer. Don't lose hope...your time will come.
posted on: January 27
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lizardek says:
*wails* don't go, BP, dear, don't you know the best cure for the 11th-circle-of-hell blues is to rant about it to the worldwide web?! *sigh*
Well, don't be gone too long, then. And don't smoke in bed.
posted on: January 27
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Gale says:
Yeah, what Liz said! But seriously, I know from untenable hells but I just got laid off from the untenable hell today and am trying to look upon it as a positive opportunity. So I hope that something happens that can turn things around for you too. But I hope you're not gone too long!
posted on: January 27
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frecklegirl says:
Oh wow... the world can be so cruel sometimes. Bastards.
Just think though- all your buds here are all pulling for you- that good energy has to go somewhere! And we will all run and buy your book as soon as they get their shit together and publish it!!
Have a good break, babes. We'll be here when you return.
XO
posted on: January 27
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bad penguin says:
That definitely sounds like a bad day. Here's hoping you make it out of the 11th cricle soon. And that you get the major change you want.
posted on: January 27
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gimmy says:
Oh dear. You feel like I do. I guess that photo would work for you too. I find cake and then a punching bag work really well.
posted on: January 27
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amber says:
bp, I wish I could send you some of this sunny day we're having up here in Siberia a.k.a. northern michigan. The sun doesn't shine much around here in the winter, so when it does it's glorious. Hope you feel better soon :)
posted on: January 27
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samantha says:
sending you handfuls of love -
posted on: January 27
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Milly says:
Hope you're feeling better soon. I know what it's like to be in hell's 11th circle. Fear not, all will be well.
posted on: January 27
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Mathieu says:
delurking to tell you how much I like to read you.
pick up the pieces of your integrity, and you'll find they fit back together if you take the time.
posted on: January 27
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gatsby says:
there's only one thing to do at a time like this:
draw a smiley face in the peanut butter of an open sided PBJ-
then smash it together and violently wolf it down. (i like to name the smiley faces before the smashing)
posted on: January 27
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nina says:
Oh, BP, we love you so, stay with us and please don't go!
Sorry things feel crappy right now. Sending all sorts of good vibes and well wishes.
posted on: January 27
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melanie says:
When I feel crappy I always look up cute pictures of dogs or other animals and it make me feel better. Lame, but better.
posted on: January 27
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Marilyn says:
OH NO!! I finally get my laptop plugged into a very temporary internet connection...after A WEEK WITH NO INTERNET!...and find you've gone off to...smoke?! Lizardek speaketh the truth...the best antidote is to RANT to all of your adoring handmaidens (and gents). I've missed my BP fix...
posted on: January 28
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Shiz says:
Man, that sucks. Very sorry to hear about it. Is there anything you can throw and/or beat the shit out of? That would be nice.
Poor, poor, Bluepoppy. Give 'em hell.
posted on: January 28
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Auntie M says:
BP, I don't know why I thought I'd miss work when I quit 5 years ago. I don't miss it at all... especially days like you've had... although I had a lot of those when I worked in DC! Don't leave for long. We'll miss you.
posted on: January 28
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stephanie says:
Oh goodness. Listen, in the words of the great philosopher Stewart Smiley, "you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh, darn it, people like you." Now look in the mirror and repeat. With a martini.
posted on: January 28
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finelyspungirl says:
As you can see, we are all supporting you. Be strong, trust yourself, and all will be well. Don't leave us hanging for too long, we'll go nuts without you!
posted on: January 29
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meg says:
Fuck the business world. I hate money, I hate business and you have every right to do so also. Don't you wish we lived in a true gift society where those who have give to those who don't and we all live happily ever after? Yeah, I know...good drugs, huh? :) Chin up, sweetie. I think you're really fabulous and so glad I found you!
posted on: January 29
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Sorry, comments are now closed.
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