Fie. A pox on my stupid, stupid head.

In this morning's staff meeting I said that today was the first day since August that I felt like I could breathe-- that I felt like I had things well in hand.

Woman, have you NEVER heard of the word jinx?

Not 10 minutes later as the business manager reviews outstanding balances due is it made clear that I have managed to completely ignore a grant fulfillment report that was due a month ago and, that if the report is not received within said month we risk losing the funds.

*thumping head against the wall*

I swear to god, I hated grants before but right now I hate them SO much-- not the receiving of them-- or the kindly folks doling them out--no, it's the gd paperwork. There is so much damn paperwork and I suck at this. Royally suck.

Why am I here? Why am I prattling away here in my blogvilla? Because I need to scream. I need to throw things. And when I write it all out I see how utterly pathetic it is and I manage to get a grip, dig in and get the deed done.

Or, at least I think that's what will happen. Somehow if I keep typing I'll get closer to actually writing the report and the three letters and, gah. It's just pure frustration I am feeling in this moment. Frustration and anger with myself because this is truly a case of ignoring what I should have investigated. Perhaps I was waiting for a personal invitation? A gentle reminder much like the dentist sends out to make sure you don't miss your appointment.

Yeah. I suck. But ah-- those fleeting moments this morning when I thought I was actually doing a good job, lovely, and alas, oh so brief.

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UPATE 7:27 pm:
Okay. Three letters (2 state senators, 1 state representative) DONE.

And? We all know I cannot pull all-nighters, clean dishes, clean anything for that matter, or basically work without music-- relentless, upbeat, pumping music. However, finding the music that will match the mood is always a challenge. Tonight? I totally lucked out and found a mixed cd my brother-in-law made for me years ago. It has a pic of Wonder Woman on the cover and it is killer female power-- Aretha, Annie Lennox, Chrissie H, Rickie Lee Jones, Joan Armatrading . . and on and on.

Enough. Must return to the stone tablet and continue bashing my forehead. Does it seem I am using this blog to pull me through?

Hmm, and if yes-- what does that say about me? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Next task: 3-page summary.

*takes breath and dives back in*

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UPATE 8:55 pm:
Blech. Done with all I can do. The numbers aren't adding up so I have to meet with the Business Manager tomorrow and sort it through. It's just a total disaster.

My mantra all along has been "next year, next year" when I will be dealing with whatever I have set up and not someone else's guff which right now feels like re-assembling a feather pillow that's been shot to hell with a .45

White. Fluff. Everywhere.

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