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January 03, 2006 9:42 AM- a simple recipe
How to F*ck-Up a Perfectly Fine Relationship
I used this to destroy a 12-year marriage, but really?it will work well for any kind of committed or semi-committed relationship?try it on your boyfriend and let me know the results. (To help, I?ve included modifications on some of the steps below).
DECIDE TO BUILD A HOUSE.
Don?t worry that this has to be your dream house?many variations work well here?modular, temporary, yurt--- I have a girlfriend that successfully f*cked up a 4-year marriage with a small addition to the garage?so use your imagination?don?t feel limited.
LIVE IN THE HOUSE WHILE BUILDING IT.
This is key. For maximum stress, it helps to have partially finished projects around you at all times. This ensures half-unpacked boxes, losing things, being able to pee upstairs but have to wash your hands down stairs and an overriding sense that it will never be finished.
INVITE YOUR IN-LAWS FOR A HOLIDAY WEEKEND.
Now granted, not all in-laws are the same, but if you have a lot of them (in my case, I?m pretty blessed and we had 13 people here last weekend) and you haven?t worked out all your issues in therapy?an enormous degree of fear and anxiety can be created in the weeks leading up to the visit. Don?t worry about quantity?one incredibly judgmental in-law with un-medicated OCD can deliver in spades. Trust me.
DELUDE YOURSELF into thinking you can finish rooms (i.e. painting, baseboard, shelves, furniture, light fixtures), unpack boxes and boxes and boxes from the storage unit, decorate the house, plan a menu, shop for groceries, shop for Christmas gifts, and wrap Christmas gifts in 5 days. Be sure to leave the Christmas shopping and wrapping to the very last day?doing it earlier will not help to elevate the tension. And, DON?T give yourself more than 5 days?again, any kind of reasonable planning would ruin this recipe.
GET AS LITTLE SLEEP AS POSSIBLE.
This will help to keep your comments sharp and sarcastic. Also, it will make sure any friction between you and your mate reduces you to tears. I also like it because when I?m operating on four hours or less of sleep, I tend to get scattered and confused which always leads me to wandering helplessly from room to room, unsure of where to begin.
And that?s all there is to it. Now, there are lots of variations on this recipe. This year, we added in my desire to change jobs which, as I am the sole income at this time, added in HEAPS OF FINANCIAL stress. But, you could also have a baby, lose a loved one, choose this time to come out of the closet, or get called up to fight in Iraq. Really, there is no limit to the ways you can personalize this dish.
Serve cold and make sure there's plenty of Pepto-Bismal on hand.
got 2 cents?
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sarai says:
god i hate stress and its ability to render us into vile quivering messes. sending you lots of love and well wishes. get some sleep, drink some tea, and take good care of yourself.
posted on: January 03
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Heather says:
Sleep my dear! This too shall pass.
posted on: January 03
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Lil says:
Oy... You poor dear.
We did it several years ago - bringing a 1912 appartment into the 20th (at the time) century while living there with 5 cats. Everything from tearing up the floors to putting in a new kitchen to re-doing the walls.
I feel for you. My only suggestion: get a good massage. Both of you.
posted on: January 03
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God's Child says:
sounds downright scary. I'll just learn from your example thank you very much.
posted on: January 03
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lizardek says:
Hey! That's MY recipe! Only it was a 7-year relationship (at the time) and there were 2 small children in the mix. ALthough your dogs are kind of like 2 small children, so I think it must be about the same. I second the call for double-massages. Also cupcakes.
posted on: January 03
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liz elayne says:
Ok just one of these would overwhelm a person to a degree that wouldn't be pretty. But when you put them all in a bowl a stir...yikes! Sounds like sleep, sleep, and more dessert is in order for everyone involved.
posted on: January 03
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Chloe says:
Awwww... big zen hugs coming your way!
posted on: January 03
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bella says:
hmm. well, you can also plan on never updating your place of dwelling, suffer through a flood, decided to update, discover you have mold growing up your walls behind the ugly paneling you should have updated, rip out your entire basement, watch your husband fly off to Europe in the middle of said update - and 1 year later, still not be finished. Then you find out what a lazy bastard your husband really is. A 3 room basement. Not a house from scratch.
posted on: January 03
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stephanie says:
Hmm, when we were doing the kitchen reno, we actually got along better than we normally do. I think it has to do with the fact that my OCD had something to direct my O and C tendancies toward. Or it could have been all the hooch we drank. Anyway, I feel for you. This is why we don't let relatives come over. They have to stay at a hotel, or just sent us an email from 900 miles away. It works much better that way. Have a cupcake. And a glass of wine. Then a nap.
posted on: January 03
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Dillygirl says:
I hope you'll find a way to recover from that mess! Maybe you both can agree to *never* combine those ingredients ever again?
posted on: January 03
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saltwater princess says:
Hmmm, I may understand. I just sent my mother in law packing after a 10 day stay and tried to do several unsuccessful house changes and failed miserably. I was never so happy to wave goodbye and run and scream into a pillow. Here's to having no company next Christmas! All my hugs.
posted on: January 03
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christina says:
Oh sweetie! SLEEP. Go on a couple long walks with your dogs, check out some birds. Maybe even (gasp) go away from Soliden for the weekend. Things can wait. The worst is totally over. I'm so sorry things were horribly stressful over the holidays... I want to jump in my car right now with a batch of chocolate chip cookies and head down to NH. Oh and crap, I'm so jumping into THE RECIPIE, blindly, willy-nilly, with absolutely no back up plan and an 11 month old baby. Crap. Crap. Crap.
posted on: January 03
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violetismycolor says:
You sound like your Christmas didn't have enough ho-ho-ho in it. Poor BP...I hope that things are looking better with a little 2006 added in. Give yourself a break, huh?
posted on: January 04
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nichole says:
my brother in law and his wife have been living in their house remodel 'situation' for the last *10* years. it's quite frightening to go visit them...you never quite know what the newest project under construction is.
posted on: January 04
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Sheryl says:
Oh yeah, I've eaten that dish, only I substituted building a house with "move 4 times in three years, with 3 small children." A little different flavor, but pretty much the same thing.
posted on: January 04
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Sheryl says:
Oh yeah, another key ingredient, lose your job and live off your savings for 18 months, that was like the whipped cream and cherry. Gah, we must have been nuts.
posted on: January 04
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Sorry, comments are now closed.
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