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January 12, 2006 7:52 PM- feeling blue
Can anyone share with me a time in your life when you took on a huge creative project and then, just as it comes into being, you collapse?
Flat. Uninspired. Full of self-loathing. Depressed.
How does this happen?
Why does this happen?
Is this just a natural stage of the creative process?
If you?ve ever experienced it, how did you transform it?
Anything you might share could be helpful. Especially if you could make me laugh. That would be a total boner, er bonus.
Blessings to you.
UPDATED TO ADD: In the morning pages this morning I had steeled myself to NOT go into blog land today. Just to stay away cause I felt so exposed and stupid (and am already feeling just chock full of self-loathing) and that somehow it would compound things.
So then I got my coffee, headed upstairs to the computer, flipped it on, and yep-- that willpower lasted oh, about-- zero point zero seconds. BUT I'M SO GLAD I DID.
Who are you people and how can you be so nice to me? (Of course I know who each and everyone of you are -- which is the cool part of blogging is that I read through your struggles and successes and experiences and I do KNOW you-- if only a part--which is so cool).
Naming it fear of success is wild. I believe you are right and I never thought of that before. I mean I've totally heard about it but didn't ever think of it for me cause, god-- how STUPID do you have to be to FEAR success???? I mean, please. But I think y'all should hang psych certificates on your walls cause I do think there's a big piece of that going on here.
Has anyone ever experienced guilt because of success? I have massive amounts of guilt, feelings of being unworthy, all kinds of not good stuff churning around inside. And? worst of all? So incredibly sad that I flamed my darling husband who if you ever met you would say is the sweetest human being and I just flamed him. And it kills me. Because that FUCKING sofa tops the list of the stupid stupid stupid things I have done of late: I custom ordered it (because miss bunnypants just had to have a pale yellow sofa), it was ridiculously expensive (but I thought that meant luxurious), and I sit in it and its not at all what I thought it was going to be.
More guilt---for EVERY reason not the least of which my problems are spending too much money unwisely on a fucking sofa?!!!? That, is a problem? You stupid fuck. That is not a problem. That is a self-created stupid action--- how can you get tangled emotion from a material possession you idiot?
And then I think of all the ghastly things I've seen people spend money on and I think, okay, so I caulked up here--- nothing major-- one bad move in this whole home building saga-- take your hit and move on. But, T had said all along-- how can you buy something if you haven't ever seen it or sat in it? And I just didn't listen.
Gah. I know this all sounds so incredibly retarded-- and apologies to anyone who takes offense at my use of the word but I use it in the truest sense-- I am retarded. Slow, slow slow to learn and so incredibly lacking in street smarts.
Example #347: In 7th grade, four or five us are in the bathroom smoking. I turn around and exhale a string of smoke rings right into our math teacher's face. She tells me to put it out and that we're headed to the principal's office. So I walk out thinking we're all in this together-- all four or five of us. Til I'm sitting in the principal's office and look around for Joan, Beth, Jane and Patty and find out they didn't get caught even though they were all between me and the teacher-- I was in the way back-- the best possible location to hear her coming and ditch the cigarettes which is what they all did-- but where was I? Head in the fucking clouds-- no awareness-- totally in freaking headspace. In fact, I believe I even took another drag while Mrs. Mathias stared at me-- it took that long for the situation to register in my brain!
LOSER.
Gonna go off now and try Lizardek and Daphne's doggy suggestions for snapping me out of it.
This long winded blah was meant to say THANK YOU. I am most beholden to you all.
got 2 cents?
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Marilyn says:
I think it IS a natural part of the creative process. I've always thought the only thing worse than fear of failure is fear of success. Not implying that's what YOU'RE feeling...just sayin'... The only way I know how to transform that energy is to do 2 things: 1) keep putting one foot in front of the other (so to speak) ESPECIALLY when I don't feel like it, and 2) ask for help, in whatever manner feels appropriate. Oh wait, you just did that. ;)
posted on: January 12
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Sarcomical says:
see, most people might define this as a fear of failure. but in my experience, it what one would actually call a GRIPPING FEAR OF SUCCESS. that's right. in reality, the idea that something we've been dreaming about might come to fruition is almost more frightening than the idea that it never will...because then at least you can just imagine and imagine away. don't you think? gee...that wasn't very inspirational. i suck.
posted on: January 12
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violetismycolor says:
I find that when I am at the beginning of any new project, I always get the feeling that I will fail miserably and my clients will hate what I do and the word will spread and that will be the last job I ever get.
Then, it all comes together despite me and I go through the same cycle the next time. Why is it that we are so unsure of ourselves. Have all that self-doubt? But I guess being a full-of-yourself-ass is worse, right?
posted on: January 12
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daphne says:
I find that picking up dog poo in the backyard helps shift my perspective. You see, all that shit, you're cleaning it up. It's a metaphor for, um, cleaning up shit?
posted on: January 12
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nina says:
I agree with everyone who says it is a natural part of the creative process (and since you're doing Artist's Way, you can skip around in there and find what Julia has to say about it, she's always good). I also think that it is unglamorously just a matter of forcing yourself on no matter what. Or, as Dory (Finding Nemo) would say, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." You can get through it, I have the utmost faith in you.
posted on: January 13
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river selkie says:
um, yup. huge project collapser here. sometimes i think it means i'm not ready. and sometimes i think it has to do with my fears. if it's something that is meant to be done, you'll cycle out of the bad and get back into the good. that's the way it has been with me getting healthy. but i'm actually seeing progress. i think it's like a spiral too, sometimes we think we are in the same spot but we are actually further down the spiral. sometimes it feels like the same place and that we are stuck, but we're really not. it's not til even further down the spiral where we realize that. i had these thoughts before but i remember reading them from someone else again recently...just not where...at all...no really...my brain is stumped...
posted on: January 13
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lizardek says:
What I think you should do, is give your dogs free rein with some fingerpaint and large block butcher's paper.
posted on: January 13
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Lauren says:
It happens to the best of us. Go rent Singin' in the Rain. Not only will it inspire creativity but will clear your mind and put a smile on your face. "Make em laugh, make 'em laugh..."
posted on: January 13
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Amber says:
Okay first of all...Man you guys must stay up late or get up at the first crack!
What I do is get out into the fresh air and go running. Somehow physical exertion always helps to clear my brain of the clutter and make me reconnect with myself. And if that doesn't work, at least I got the stink blown off of me!
posted on: January 13
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Lil says:
I'm not the creative sort, so I'm not commenting on the first part of your message, but rather on the update.
OK. Stop. Just STOP! Close your eyes and breathe. Feel yourself breathing in, breathing out. Deeply.
Now...
Enough with the guilt trip already. I'm 150% sure you have enough frequent flyer guilt trip miles accumulated to fly around the world 10 times in first class. You have ENOUGH.
Stop the Poppy bashing. Go back, re-read what you've written. How can you heap such abuse on yourself? You wouldn't do it to anyone else. This is beyond being hard on yourself. Would you talk like that to any of your friends? Your family? Us? No you wouldn't. So you smoked and (ok, really stupidly) got caught. So what? Want stupid? I walked straight through a plate glass restaurant door because my head was in the clouds. It's a funny episode. Your smoking incident is hilarious. Nothing loser about it.
If you don't start being kinder and more understanding of yourself, I'll have to talk to Henry and tell him to bite you when you act like this.
posted on: January 13
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Heather says:
I like Stephanie's suggestion about dog poo. Of course I just let mine rot with the elements (or let the beagles eat it - just soooo disgusting!). Hopefully that made you smile at least. PS - I also got my package - how wonderful!!!!
posted on: January 13
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bad penguin says:
I've got it all BP -- fear of success, fear of failure, fear of not doing whatever it is perfectly. Sometimes I give my self a stern talking to, and that helps. Sometimes I do something completely different to get my creativity flowing. Either something physical or an unrelated creative project.
I love Lizardek's idea.
posted on: January 13
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impossiblejane says:
The creative project that I fizzled on was college. I did make it through but the only reason I did was because I wanted that diploma. Otherwise I have no funny antidotes for getting through. My co-worker always tells our clients (who by the way help me snap out of my self-loathing blues quickly because they are freakin' homeless with children):
Life's gonna shit on you no matter what, it's up to you use it as fertilizer or let it suffocate you.
I love that line. It helps me some days. I'll admit, the dog poo comment sparked the thought. Funny how shit comes into this a lot! Thanks for blogging. Jane
posted on: January 13
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lizardek says:
Lil's right, you know. You put dents in your own soul when you talk to yourself like that, and you know you wouldn't talk to anyone else the same way. Why do we DO that? Beat ourselves up so much? We cut everyone else slack, we should cut some for ourselves. A nice big piece of chocolate slack. Mmmmm...
posted on: January 13
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Chloe says:
This seems to happen to everyone living a creative life. Failure is easy... success is the tough one - all of a sudden you have attention & people *expecting* things of you... the horror! My take on it is: am I going to regret not pushing through all my fears & doubts & gremlins when I'm a little old lady? If the answer is 'yes'... I know I have to work through it (hard as it might be)!
posted on: January 13
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samantha says:
All right, Miss Bunnypants - I know you might not consider that a term of endearment but I think it's adorable - I knew, before you added the second part, that this was about something in the house, I just knew it. I think - bad decisions about pale yellow couches not withstanding - that it happens to all of us. We build up to this big thing, whether it's a house or a wedding or book launch or art show - and it's not all it's cracked up to be. We think, what's wrong with me, why can't I enjoy this? Why is it NOT like I thought? All part of the journey, and teaching us to enjoy the process, perhaps, and not focus so much on the event.
So, dust yourself off, bedeck yourself in all our loving thoughts and words, and put a muzzle around that Meany Voice. You are wonderful, you are human, and you are so very precious in the sight of Creation.
posted on: January 13
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tinker says:
I'm feeling really lame this week, too, so I can empathize with you...Wee and the Wolf had a good post on the getting-unstuck-creatively process a couple of days ago - she advised bubblebaths (maybe take one after picking up the merde?)
posted on: January 13
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Laurie says:
Just reading through all the lovely and funny comments here is inspiring! What helps me through creative slumps is picking up Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird" . I also find being out in nature helps to "clean slate" the mind.
posted on: January 13
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Sheryl says:
I agree with Lil & Liz. Makes me sad when you talk like that :o( <--see? sad. Be sweet to yourself. Because you're sweet.
posted on: January 13
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Rebekah says:
Why is it that whenever you make a mistake of ANY kind - big or small - your mind quickly begins enumerating all the other mistakes you have made since forever, like when you were a kid caught smoking in the freakin bathroom at school (just a right of passage, my dear; your friends have probably beaten themselves up incessantly throughout their adult lives for letting you take the fall all alone!). For me, fear of success has to do with the fact that I don't feel worthy of the compliments and attention I might get, for which I am SO not deserving, because after all, I am such a fake. Yup. I think you have a good case of fear of success! I'm telling you right back - you are MAHVELOUS, Dahling. And no expensive yellow sofa would make me think otherwise!!!
posted on: January 13
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pomme granite says:
Hi! I do this a lot too - in fact I have been doing it quite recently - in that I worked on illustrating a short story, had TONS of fun doing it, got great feedback, but just when I was ALMOST done, I lost all the steam and for awhile I couldn't get myself to actually finish it for real.
I don't know why this happens, and it does seem to happen to a lot of people, and it may be very well be part of the creative process and I suspect it is definitely fear-oriented (either of success or failure) - but "natural" as it may be, it is frustrating and it does take the joy out of the work which is a huge shame.
The best remedy I've come up with so far (and one that I've begun to practice myself as part of my project "getting unstuck") is a combination of 1. daily cardio exercise (as already mentioned, a good run in the woods will do you so much good), 2. listening to your favorite music, you know, the ones that move you to the core, to get your self/soul back to that place where you just crave to be creative, and 3. just taking the ego out of it and finishing the work. Finishing it not expecting awards and accolades or the reverse (boos and rotten tomatoes), but simply to honor the need and the internal drive that made you want to do the work in the first place. I guess this step is a wordy way of saying what Marilyn already told you, to put one foot in front of the other. 4. And lastly, just be accepting of and nice to yourself. These things happen. Don't beat yourself up. Roadblocks sometimes are good because they give you a chance to reflect and maybe reach a place you wouldn't have otherwise.
Anyway, Good luck! You CAN do it!
ps. Ditto Lauri's suggetion: "Bird by Bird" is a gread read and inredibly inspirational and useful.
pps. your site is beautiful and unique and wonderful and I'm very happy to finally delurk. Big wave hello! Sorry for the never-ending comment!
posted on: January 13
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christina says:
Today I think you crawled inside my brain. I am LITERALLY trying, attempting, wallowing, drowning, in the process of trying to write about just this. The creative process. The fear of failure. Yes--it looms hugely for me. I seem to have written about this every single day in my morning pages. Why is this? I am not sure except for the fact that I think that EXPECTATIONS make us freeze up. It's somehow about not living up to other people's expectations. However, what I have come to out of all these damn morning page rambling is: FUCK THE EXPECTATIONS. Go without the map. Soak into doing it exactly the way you would if no one were holding you accountable to anything. Trust that YOU are amazing (because truly, Elizabeth, you are!) and go with that. Of course this might all sound lame--but it's the only way I actually got anything accomplished today: saying fuck it, I'm just going to pretend I'm not writing this damn piece for anything and see what happens. And I'm making progress. It's probably sucky progress. But it's progress.... And, if all else fails I'm totally with Liz. Let the dogs run wild with some paint and take pictures!! BIG HUGS your way!
posted on: January 13
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Molly says:
uh, once I had a book blog. I had big plans for it. Then, had trouble updating, became paralyzed at thought of re-visiting and seeing LAST POST DATE leering at me, was terrified of comments which only made me feel guilty for never updating. Could not even visit the site. Let domain expire, shall never speak of it again. Am loser.
If you want to talk flaming of the sweet husbands, you need not look far. Hi, I aired the dirtiest of our laundry not so long ago.
And as for fear of success...fear of motion seems more likely. Figurative and literal. You're gonna be fine.
posted on: January 13
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Erica says:
I always have trouble with the very end stages with a project -- the weaving in of ends on my knitting, for example. There's something so irrevocable about it that sets off all of my Danger Will Robinson alarms. What if next time I'm no good? The only thing that works for me, I've found, is to try something new -- a project that seems even more impossible, so that the old project suddenly seems as comfy as a pair of pajama pants, and finishing it seems less daunting. Of course, I'm something of a freak, so feel free to ignore.
posted on: January 13
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kat says:
yep, you're angry internal voice sounds so much like mine it's scary.
screw it darlin, you're doing fabulously. xo
posted on: January 14
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rebecca says:
Oh, my, you wrote my post. Weird how reading that was like reading something I would write, like the way I write in my morning pages. I have no solid will power and always feel guilty when I purchase anything, big or small. And example #347, too funny but the same, exact scenario for me in h.s., really, made me laugh. I was always the one getting caught, for everything, but the bathroom story went down the same EXACT way. I hate remembering that time. I hated the way I was in h.s.. Oooh I need to go do a brain dump. Thanks for sharing.
posted on: January 14
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nikki says:
i felt like that when i was trying to do art every day for a month in nov. i had too much on my mind and was frustrated because the art wasn't flowing. give yourself permission to enjoy others' work until you gain your own wind! there's no harm in that!
posted on: January 14
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Paint Chip says:
I love the beautiful picture you posted at the start of this message. Some of your words rang true for me on a certain level.
And WOWWWWW! What marvelous comments were posted! I got tons of good food for thought from this string! Thanks for just putting yourself out there for the world!
posted on: January 24
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