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May 21, 2004 11:41 AM- the apprentice
True, I have only been on this new job quest a short while, but I can't seem to find that "perfect fit." So I figured since I'm living in the 21st century I should tap into the much vaunted power of setting intention and letting the universe provide and all that. So, below is the job I want. But I'm a bit curious, as always, how the other half lives. How would your perfect job read?
Job Title: Loafer
Job Description: In this role you will be expected to dress casually (jeans and/or track pants preferred) and spend no more than three hours each day in the office. Staying for colleague birthday/shower parties is considered overtime. Responsibilites will include (but are not limited to) talking on the phone with husband and friends daily, blogging, feigning interest in colleagues lives' and/or projects.
Job Requirements: Scathing sense of humor. Splenetic and misanthropic. Lack of interest in generating revenue or finishing projects. Preference given to those with experience in slacking, procrastinating, whining about inconsequential shit, and doing little cartoon sketches of incompetent colleagues.
Salary and Benefits: 185K plus quarterly bonus for lacking incentive, full health and dental with no deductible that will cover all holistic services (including but not limited to: accupuncture, naturopathy, aromatherapy, massage, manicures & pedicures, travel and living expenses for visits to Canyon Ranch, and colonics), full gym membership, 401K with matching funds, stock options, 42 sick days and 8 weeks vacation annually.
got 2 cents?
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wee says:
with the exception of the salary and benefits (unless you count hanging with Finny J and the magical healing properties of copious dog salivia and hair as Benefits, and I would), you have just described the job I currently occupy, expect I also go barefoot and sometimes don't brush my teeth until 3 pm.
posted on: May 21
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Lizard Breath says:
and you'd probably need an assistant or a publicist to do this job well, so you'd need to hire me......lizard.
posted on: May 21
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the apprentice says:
Seee? Wee you ARE my role model and Lizard Baby-- you are SO hired!
posted on: May 21
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the apprentice says:
and Lizard Beauty-- we'll just sit around and talk about Rothko and art and whatever-- perf!
posted on: May 21
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mihow says:
I wish there'd be a way one could trade jobs with people on occasion. I tend to get mind-blowingly bored by places after a while. I think that's also why so many people gossip at work, out of shear boredom and stagnation. I propose coming up with some job trading scenario with folks in similar careers. Sort of like all the folks in the late 70s, early 80s who were taking on "Transfer Students" It was like something out of a Rick Moody novel. Let's start a new thing where people trade cites, apartments and jobs for a couple of weeks. Just to stir it up a bit.
Yes, sure. I realize this idea is laughable. Dare I dream?
posted on: May 21
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mihow says:
For example, I should work someplace for a while which will help me better learn when to use the word "shear" and when to use the word "sheer" :]
posted on: May 21
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JennB says:
I would like to apply for the "loafer" job, please let me know where I can send my resume - I am VERY qualified. And, I'll need an assistant, too. And I'd like to telecommute and only be "in" the office a day or so a month, just to get the "pulse" of what's going on.
thanks.
also - why isn't it ok to retire at age 31?
posted on: May 21
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the apprentice says:
Mihow-- I'm in-- I'll trade with you-- but, um, not sure you want to leave San Fran when you've only just arrived. I'll give you a couple of months to get bored first. And Jenn-- I'll job share "Loafer" with you, if you like--Feh.
posted on: May 21
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samantha says:
i would also like to apply for the 'loafer' position - only adding mandatory coffee drinking and im'ing with significant other. ;)
posted on: May 21
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the apprentice says:
Samantha-- those are certainly acceptable terms of employment provided, of course, that the coffee is freshly ground and brewed.
posted on: May 21
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Lizard Breath says:
oh, did I forget to mention that I'm going to need a concierge service to handle all that annoying "stuff" that takes me away from my 'Assistant/Marketing Director to the Loafer' position (i.e. shopping, laundry, oil change, post office, etc.)...must have.... Lizard.
posted on: May 22
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the apprentice says:
Mwah! GOD. You guys make my day!
posted on: May 22
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Zoot says:
Job title: Raging Bitch with great shoes.
Salary: 150K annual plus monthly clothing allowance of 1000K and 50 percent off anything at Target.
(does it need anything else?)
posted on: May 22
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Lizard Breath says:
sorry, the HH wasn't national, and she wasn't all that good (NINE MONTHS!!! w/out calling -- ppphttthhhhttt). only to get a call out of the blue w/out applying, being offered a position with a former boss. it really is all about not only WHO you know, but WHEN you stay in touch with them.
posted on: May 22
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Lizard Breath says:
oh yea, and that whole "don't burn any bridges", good karma thing never hurts. lizard.
posted on: May 22
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Katherine says:
ummmm . . . I think that you are onto something . . . lets go into biz for ourselves and be partners . . . what will we do in this new biz? Why we will instruct others how to become professional Loafers! Think of the speaking engagements, the periphery products! We'll make a million!
posted on: May 22
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Katherine says:
errrr, I just reread my post and realized that if we do all that then we wouldn't be loafing anymore . . . so addendum: we still go intop biz for ourselves but we hire underpaid underlings to do all the work *for* us!
posted on: May 22
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Sorry, comments are now closed.
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