Teacher: Good morning, class. Today we're going to learn about freedom. Can everybody say that? Freeeeedom. Very good. Who knows what freedom means?

Tommy: It means you don't have to go to work.

Ramona: That's unemployment, you stupid-face.

Teacher: Now Ramona, what have we said about name-calling?

Ramona: Well he is a stupid-face. Everyone knows if you don't have a job you're a total loser who can't pay their TiVo bill or supersize their Happy Meal.

Teacher: Settle down, class.

Caroline: Teacher, my uncle is unemployed and he has a trust fund. Isn't that freedom?

Teacher: Well Caroline, that's one kind of freedom but since your uncle is also in jail for abusing prescription medicine, he's not exactly free, now is he?

Billy: My mommy has freedom. She stays at home all day and doesn't work.

Teacher: But Billy, your mommy takes care of your three baby sisters. That's a 24-hour job that chains her to the house and keeps her mind in a constant state of worry, anxiety, exhaustion and repressed rage when she's not busting out in hysterical laughter.

Billy: But she likes it.

Ovid: Teacher, if Billy's mom has willingly chosen her life path-- isn't that freedom?

Teacher: Very good, Ovid. Yes, part of the definition of freedom is choice.

George W.: My daddy has more oil than any of you and we're free and I rule the world! Hahaha.

Teacher: George W. Get back into the corner. You are in a time-out. Unless you want to apologize to Abdallah for calling him a towel-head freak.

George W.: I'm not 'pologizing to him he said I was a Texas-sized turdhead.

Abdallah: That's because he insulted lovely Tawanda.

George W. tries to hit Tawanda, but she ducks.

Teacher: There will be NO hitting, George W. Get back in the time-out chair this minute. Tawanda, dear, please don't hit back, Use your words.

Tawanda: I'll give that fucking puked-up hairball some words cause if he comes near me again I'm gonna fuck him up so good his dick'll be sticking out his mouth and his eyeballs'll be popping out his ass!

Teacher: Settle down, class. Now we were talking about freedom. Ovid mentioned Free Will.

Ramona: I LOVED Free Willy.

Ovid: Not Free Willy, you snothead. Free Will. But Teacher, Descartes was wrong when he said, "the will is by its nature so free that it can never be constrained." Everybody knows freedom of will is thwarted by physical/causal, psychological, biological, and theological determinisms.

Teacher: Who agrees with Ovid, a show of hands? Tawanda, you don't agree?

Tawanda: Ovid's only talking about the physical world--The Matrix--of taxes that don't pay for busted up schools with no textbooks but buy $1,000 omelettes for ass-kissing lobbyists and laws that don't let people who love each other get married if they're gay but let gold-digging whores marry corrupt CEOs in wedding ceremonies paid for by the retirement savings of hard-working, longterm employees. The only freedom is in your mind. And there ain't no mothafucka who's ever gonna rob me of my way of thinking.

Billy: Teacher? What if you're really stupid and can't think up cool things like Tawanda? Does that mean I can't have Free Will?

Bell rings.

Children: Recess!

Teacher: Okay children, go outside and play. That's all for today on freedom. When you come back inside, we'll have Show & Tell. Tommy has brought in a very interesting plant from home that his daddy grows in their basement and Martha's going to show us how we can make a bong out of an apple!

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