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May 26, 2004 9:32 AM- office mail
MEMORANDUM
TO: Bloated piece of crap who is also a walking advertisement of why everyone should RUN to see the movie "Supersize Me"
FROM: Woman two doors down with the bleeding ears
SUBJECT: How to use a fucking speaker phone
Due to the increased volume of complaints about inappropriate speaker phone use, it has become necessary to review the purpose and proper employment of telephones that are equipped with speaker phone functionality.
First, if there are only two parties involved in the conversation, there is NO NEED to engage the speaker phone function. Both parties should be holding the receiver (or using headphones) or doing whatever NORMAL fucking people without an insatiable NEED FOR ATTENTION do when talking on the phone.
Second, if a person chooses to ignore the first directive they are surely NOT TO RAISE THEIR VOICE so that everyone in the building can hear you bellow out, "George Peary! How the hell are you?!" (Note, a request has been submitted to HR that people who use phrases like 'how the 'hell are you,' 'hey, young lady' or 'if I was any better I'd be you' in loud, jovial tones should be shot at dawn without so much as a Virginia Slim and this request is being seriously reviewed). It is critical that phone users understand that announcing to the ENTIRE physical plant who you are talking to does not adhere to correct speaker phone use. Furthermore, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK so stop shouting and pick up the goddamn receiver.
Third, if a person chooses to ignore the first and second directives and is intent upon retaining the reigning title of "biggest flaming anus we have ever had the bad luck to sit near," then CLOSING YOUR FUCKING DOOR is in order.
If there are any questions or comments, you are advised to shove them down your enormous, endless-source-of-inane-verbage piehole.
MEMORANDUM
TO: Tiresome Whiner in the corner office
From: Everyone
SUBJECT: the incessant un-funny very tiresome whining
It seems there are people who are so self-absorbed in their little pathetic day that they have failed to realize that there is a war going on and all sorts of other more important global happenings than any spoiled whining creature's self-indulgent blather.
Those whiners are instructed to leave the office immediately and return to their home where they can write and create in the peace and sanctity of their beloved studio. Clearly, once thus occupied, all whining creatures will be engaged in their rightly pursuit and not have any need or interest in the behavior of others who are surely going about their rightly pursuits.
And the Great Spirit said, let it be so. And it was. And it was good. And peace was returned to the kingdom. Amen.
got 2 cents?
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samantha says:
that was awesome, the clearly outraged anger and then the remorseful memo to thyself. We've all been there, honey. Better out than in. ;) And I would want to hit those annoying coworkers on the head with a frying pan. (Metaphorically speaking) Just be glad that your coworkers don't work for daddy and therefore get away with ass like behavior on a regular basis. you rock, girl!!!!!! (or very wise and wonderful woman)
posted on: May 26
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Zoot says:
Holy Shit. You work in my office dont you? Those people work with ME.
posted on: May 26
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Amalah says:
I am stealing these and making unauthorized photocopies to put in every GODDAMN mailbox in my office. Bitches.
posted on: May 26
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wee says:
OUCH! Yer a fierce one, bluepoppiness, fierce and fiesty and snarly as a one-eyed, three fanged, mammoth caterwauling wild thing with a golden key stuck up it's magical kingdom and a toothache to boot! I tremble in the face of your ferocity... I fear for your foes! And speaking of things fierce and feral and caterwauling and such...did you read dooce today? I laughed so hard my spleen fell out. It did! right on the floor with an icky splat. And though iit was covered in carpet fibers and dog hairs and something that mght be a cashew from my stirfry last night, or might be a worm cocoon or something equally hideous, I sucked it up like a warrior princess and stuffed it right back in my oozing body cavity 'cuz I'm all tuff like that.
posted on: May 26
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wee says:
do you think I will become infected? From the cashew, I mean. Does cornmeal work in situations such as these?!!
posted on: May 26
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bp says:
Sam: that's why I have installed these wrought iron racks above my desk--so I can hang several fry pans that will always be in easy reach.
Zoot: if ONLY we worked at the same company then we could hang out all and scope new music on 3hive and if anyone knocked on the door we'd pretend to be working!
Amalah: As Queen of Everything you have a monarch's right to any and all insignificant tripe I might write. (but, er, you might want to check for typos)
Wee: What the HELL is going on in your house today, girlfriend? Eating cashews off the floor? Cornmeal works in ALL situations. I'll be right over so then we can re-read dooce together and share the laugh.
posted on: May 26
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wee says:
to be fair, I didn't so much EAT the cashew as absorb it via my oozy bits.
posted on: May 26
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bp says:
*laughing* absorbed it into your oozy bits. Oh MY! And no, darling-- there's aboslutely no chance of infection the 10-second rule applies to spleens, too.
posted on: May 26
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mihow says:
Awesome post.
posted on: May 26
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Suzy says:
And don't you just hate those people who use speakerphone to check their voicemail?!
posted on: May 26
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mihow says:
Suzy, yes. They're worse than the weirdos who, while walking anywhere in public, like to prance around holding in one hand a small barely noticeable microphone dangling from a wire. At first glance they are seemingly yammering nonsense to no one which can be quite alarming when, in their other hand they are holding a briefcase and are sporting 500 dollar shoes. I am always taken aback, wondering just who it is they are talking to? And why? Can't this wait? As far as I'm concerned, don't do anything in public you wouldn't do while on the shitter. Except for shit, of course. (I only just now came up with that logic, I have a feeling it makes no sense though.)
posted on: May 26
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bp says:
Mihow-- not only does it make sense-- I believe you have just founded a new philosophy for the 21st century!
posted on: May 26
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rachael says:
fabulous memo. :)
posted on: May 26
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Sorry, comments are now closed.
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