Though there may be someone who finds James Lipton to be appealing or thought-provoking, his mother--perhaps, I have never known anyone who did not find him to be a reptilian eggplant of a human being. The guy has no sense of humor. And that?s probably because his ego is so engorged it has left no room in his physical composite for wit or intelligence.

He is, in my opinion, composed of the following: 33% wacked-out in love with the sound of his own voice ego, 33% corpulence, 33% anus sucking attention-mongering talentless sycophant that will do or say anything to be near the life-giving radiance of genuinely talented people.

However, in the strange way that life has of concocting unusual arrangements (which proves yet again that God has created comedians in his own image) Reptile Man did stumble onto a staggeringly successful equation for attracting the Hollywood elite: put them on a stage with an audience packed with fervent worshippers and make endless offerings of adulation.

Gak. (Yet, I watch. So the gak is on me).

Reptile Man also does something that makes it so I can?t watch a whole episode through to the end. He makes statements as questions that he already knows the answer to and rams the whole, awkward, uninspired ?question? into the preening Hollywoodian?s mouth. More gak. At least this drives me to change channels.

So, perhaps I have missed the following questions because this is what I wanted to know from his guests. If the answers are available, please let me know.

To Nicole Kidman, ?What exactly was the agreement you and Tom set-up? That you would cover his homosexuality in exchange for career opportunities you would never get on your own? Was there a specific time limit of 10 years? And, why on earth did you think you had to adopt kids to pull it off? Doesn?t that exceed the blood-thirsty, unquenchable desire for fame and put you into the Joan Crawford icky, evil realm?

To Robin Williams, ?Is there ever a time when you don?t feel a compulsive need to perform? Ever??

To Sharon Stone, ?Do you really believe you are an actress and not a prostitute??

To Daniel Day-Lewis, ?You were so unbelievably hot in The Last of the Mohicans. What made you get so squirrelly and weird (cause you looked like a freak show at the Oscars when you were up for Gangs of New York)??

To Gwyneth Paltrow: ?What in god?s name possessed you to trash a burgeoning career with all-out crap films like the airline stewardess one and the Farrelly brothers? one? You are not a comedienne. Who told you that you were??

The other thing that bites my goat is how he uses the Pivot questionnaire. The idea of that was there should be an element of surprise. Are you telling me these guests are responding spontaneously?!! Please. And, could you not exude even a bit of creativity and develop your own questionnaire? You had to copy someone else?

But, having been a ranty bitch, I will now reveal my own ugly frailties by splashing in the "Bouillon de Culture".

What is your favorite word?
Pithy
What is your least favorite word?
Emergency
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Intelligence, wit, kindness
What turns you off?
Arrogance, stupidity, cruelty
What is your favorite curse word?
Fuckhead
What sound or noise do you love?
My husband?s voice
What sound or noise do you hate?
Harley Davidson motorcycles
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Be a not-yet-ready-for primetime player on SNL
What profession would you not like to do?
Mortician
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Git? your sorry ass in here.

got 2 cents?