MEMO

To: Man in the Cubicle Outside My Office

From: The Management

Date: 20 April 2004

Subject: Cut with the fish eye, the rolled eyes, the sighs of exasperation, the snorts and the silent condemnation

It has become apparently clear that some recent members of our team here at the Company That Couldn't Care Less About You (and by recent, any employees who arrived in the past year under the new, post-bloody coup administration) hold certain long-term employees (and by long-term, any employees who were here when it was fun to come to work, who remember the old small building where all 40 of us worked under one roof and played cards at lunch) in disregard.

All such behavior must cease and desist effective immediatley.

One long-term employee has submitted the following letter in the hopes of improving communication between the two groups. Please be advised that you are to read this letter and circulate it to the distribution list below.

Dear Man Outside My Cubicle,

I'm sorry you moved all the way from Colorado for this job. I'm sorry you have a 35 minute commute each way. I'm sorry your boss is one of the meanest, ugliest bullies I've ever met. I'm sorry you work 80 hours a week. And I'm sorry you had an office in your old job and now you have a cubicle.

However, I would like to make the following statement: STOP YOUR FUCKING WHINING and STOP GIVING ME THE FUCKING RAISED EYE-BROW.

Yes, I do have an office. And yes, after the CEO and the CTO it is the largest office in the company. Yes, it has windows and yes, I don't deserve it. No one deserves a nice office. It was given to me by the now defunct czar of offices and he happened to like women who came to work with their hair still wet from their shower and that's why he gave it to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I implemented a program in 14 months that directly affected the company's bottom line.

You are also, I am aware, deeply irritated by the fact that I roll in each day at a quarter to nine. That would be nearly 2 hours after you first dribbled your first nasty styrofoam cup of coffee down your ugly gray vest (do us all a favor dude, change your clothes once in a while. I'm French and I'm cool with the whole only need a few clothes thing--but dude, EVERYDAY? You wear the gray vest everyday-- is it a security thing cause it looks like you sleep in it, to).

So, when I roll in, do not assume because I live 3 minutes from work that I only just got up. I have a life. This place isn't it. I get up at 5. Walk my dogs around the lake. Write. Drink gorgeous fresh-brewed coffee. Gaze upon the wonder that is my hunk of a husband. Play yahoo bridge. Answer a few e-mails. And then, I go to work.

I don't care that you work 80 hours a week and I don't. Let me be perfectly clear. I believe only LOSERS would ever spend anything over 40 hours working anywhere for any purpose unless they work for themselves and are making the world a better place. News flash: we are not making the world a better place. We are making the world look like a scene out of Blade Runner. We should be shot and tried like the criminals we are.

Also, you are totally incompetent and working 80 hours doesn't hide that fact. I get my job done and it doesn't take me 30 hours. The fact that your boss makes you think you have to sign your life away to this place is your problem. I would a) never work for such a fat prick, b) never move across country to work for such a fat prick and c) have no respect for anyone who did a) and b).

It should be said, I have one goal. And that is freedom. So, if my door is closed, it is safe for you to assume I am not on the phone with a friend analyzing Survivor, I am knotting bedsheets into rope and planning my escape.

Now fuck off.

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