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June 10, 2006 3:54 PM- rain as a garnish
Dear God,
It has been a while since we last talked and I'm sure you think I'm a pretty piss-poor conversationalist since all I ever want to do is talk about the weather. However. Dude, we have to talk.
Do I look like Noah?
Do I look like someone who knows their way around a table saw?
(And, a word to the wise, if it's T you're thinking is gonna be building this ark, you've definitely been inhaling some second-hand smoke because that boy has a house to finish and no ark's getting in the way of that).
So I ask you, 40 days of rain? Hey-- I like the rain. In fact, I believe I have gone on the record as having said, "I love the rain."
Clearly you have misunderstood my innocent proclamation. Allow me to clarify.
I do love the rain, as I love radishes, beets, maraschino cherries, chick lit, road trips, meatloaf, James Bond movies, ferry rides, and The Clash-- which is to say they are wonderful in small measure. Very small amounts. As an odd accent. A bit of spice. An opposing flavor if you will to the normal routine.
Please be advised that I would not enjoy any of those things for 24 hours straight and I believe I would come to loathe these things if subjected to an unending forty day deluge.
Why you gotta make me hate the rain?
If I wanted to live in a rainforest I would head to Brazil. If I could tolerate endless rain I would hoof it to Portland, OR which seems to be the epicenter of all things cool and creative these days.
Stop with the climate change. It's annoying me.
I am, of course, grateful for that single day of mottled sunshine you bestowed upon us some weeks back. And, for the appearance of my favorite wild spring blossom: the scrotum flower.
Peace out.
got 2 cents?
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lizardek says:
Apparently one of the animals in Ice Age 2 in Swedish is a "pungr?tta." Pung translates as sac(k) or bag...but is usually used to mean scrotum. R?tta is rat. So it must have been a scrotum-rat! Or oppossom, whatever. 40 days of rain would have made me slit my wrists, before we moved to Sweden. The first year it started raining in September, and it rained, I shit you not, every day for EIGHTEEN MONTHS. Unbelievablely, I am still living here after 9.5 years.
posted on: June 10
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Meredith says:
Maybe you could turn this letter into a petition of sorts because I need to add my name to that last. Rain is no good as a season.
As for the Ladyslippers, aren't they endangered as well? Some random Girl Scout lesson comes back to me when I see that photo. No picking the slippers! You know, I never saw those flowers outside of New Hampshire.
posted on: June 10
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Heather says:
Send a little my way then God - my lawn is burning to a crisp and I refuse to spend money to water it.
posted on: June 10
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victoria winters says:
Um, ew. Gross name. Must.Wash.Eyes.
posted on: June 10
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Milly says:
Funny, I just wrote a comment in my last blog post about the incessant rain here in the mid-west. Also...I am a HUGE fan of the Clash. You rock for liking them (well, you rock anyway). :o)
posted on: June 10
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etta says:
My sympathies are with you.
We've now entered the rainy season here in Tokyo as well. The announcement came the day before yesterday, and already it suuuuuuuuuucks.
posted on: June 10
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Ruby's Mum says:
Well, here in sunny Perth, West Australia, it has been yet another dry start to winter. It's bitterly cold and amazingly sunny = gorgeous days but no rain = bad for farmers, bad for the dams, another summer of water restrictions ahead. There's a reason we're called the Sunburned Country..'cause it never bloody rains!!
posted on: June 11
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Claire says:
Oh, damn the damn rain. (sorry god) We had torrential rain every day for ages at which point 'they' issued a hosepipe ban and a drought order. Hello? Now it's scorching hot, my skin is the colour of a scrotum flower, the grass is all brown but who cares?
posted on: June 11
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christina says:
Oh, I'm with you babe. What is UP with the rain. Shall we run away??? Can I just say that there is NOTHING worse than renovating in the rain: emptying mortar buckets in the freezing cold with wet sneakers, that then stay wet for hours....gag. Let's go visit Ruby's Mum in Australia...
posted on: June 11
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nina says:
darling, 'tis a LADYSLIPPER, and yes, they do grow elsewhere, they grow here - in the appalachian north carolina mountains - and methinks that pink ladyslippers are much lovelier than ewwww, scrotum flowers for a name.
i know you love the rain. keep telling yourself that. imagine if you lived in the desert....
posted on: June 11
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Vespa Rosso says:
i can't tell you how much i laughed at your epistle to God, aka. "Dude". I hate to rub this in your face, but we've been having d.i.v.i.n.e. weather down here, but i don't have the butterscotch boys to frolick in the sunshine with, so I spose you win out in the end :).
posted on: June 11
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Joy says:
I was just complaining to my grandfather (who is complaining about the LACK of rain in W. Texas) that I think it started raining May 9, and we've had maybe 8 or 9 days without rain since then. When the sun was out this morning I didn't really think it would last. Are you getting this same sun?
posted on: June 11
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fossabossa says:
rain is good. it blows off the stink. i say hell to those sunny, cheery, post-card blue sky days & all that puffery. gimme rain, drey clouds, a couple of thunderclaps and a ligthning strike and i am set. sunshine and beaches? like i ned to see someone's thonged & oily buttock rolling on a sandy beach? god made clothes so people would wear em.
posted on: June 11
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river selkie says:
isn't that always how it works...we could really use the rain here in phoenix but nada!
posted on: June 12
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my pink sky says:
oh, i hear you on this one...we keep pumping out our basement, and it keeps filling up...i've always wanted an indoor pool.
~mindy
posted on: June 12
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Rebekah says:
It has been so long since we had rain, I scarcely remember what it looks like, or certainly what it feels like. We have such serious watering restrictions, we are in danger of losing our lawn, and I'm expecting to receive notice that we are relegated to showering every other day at best. Either extreme is HORENDOUS! So, I hope you can deliver your very succinct and non-imbittered missive and that it is heeded quickly! Be safe!
posted on: June 12
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Laini says:
oh my god! So funny. Scrotum flower - yes! It does look like that! And as for the crack about Portland: hey! It's not as bad as they say. Really. So it DOES happen to be raining right now, right this moment. That is merely... a coincidence. It didn't rain, say... last August? At least, not that I recall. And we've had a few days since... Ah well. Hope you get to dry out soon!
posted on: June 12
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steph says:
You effing killed me with the scrotum flower and I'm still trying to sit on my chair without rolling off, laughing. If there's one thing that's gonna get you through this spell (and judging by your latest post, it already has) it's your sarchasm. For all the weight I carry around it's nice to know I can always come here and enjoy letting my hair down in your wit. THANK YOU for the consistently-good read.
......and I'm sorry about the 40 days of rain.
:)
posted on: June 13
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Claire says:
I bought a lovely plant today with red bulbous flowers. Got it home, looked at the label...it's a scrotum flower! How spooky, you are subliminally influencing my plant choices!
posted on: June 13
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la vie en rose says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i personally think god will appreciate this one!
posted on: June 13
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samantha says:
I love your letters to God. (See, I have been around so long I remember at least one other one! Am a freak!) Anyway, I really do wish the good Lord would even things out a bit and send us some rain down South. It's not even humid these days (and it's ALWAYS humid), but instead feels the dry heat of the desert. My nose is not happy! So yes, I would like to respectfully request that it rain here, and soon.
posted on: June 14
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Marilyn says:
Thank you for perpetuating the myth about Portland's rainfall. :) I believed it, too...until I moved there. Is it GRAY a lot? Hell, yeah. Does it poor like a mother all the time? No. (The weather in PDX bothered me far less than the weather in San Francisco.) It wasn't until I'd lived there awhile before I realized: Hey! I think these P-Town folks promote that myth to keep us 'Californicators' on our side of the border!
posted on: June 18
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