It seems I have a system.

I've been through enough projects now-- of all varieties from writing a book to launching a 500K piece of machinery to untangling a necklace from the back of my neck-- that my process is clear.

In the interests of sharing what is clearly a winning style, I thought I would share it all with you this morning.

First, bear in mind that this simple approach can be applied to any endeavor be it painting your living room, writing a grocery list, or planning the perfect way to get your son to break up with that girl you just don't want wearing your grandmother's ring.

Give it a whirl-- you can thank me later.

STEP ONE
They say a successful project can be traced to its very beginning so do not underestimate the importance of this step. This is your cornerstone, so prepare it carefully.

My advice is to think big. Whatever it is you want to accomplish, magnify that by, oh I don't know, let's say a nice, round number like 1000X. Be sure to make the goal truly unattainable. Set it way the hell up there in the clouds.

Now, some might call you delusional, but they're doctors-- what the hell do they know?

I say, imagine more than you (and a paid staff of 100) could ever possibly achieve in ten years. Oh, and-- whoops, I almost forgot this part-- shorten your timeline. For instance, if appropriate planning would forecast six months, give yourself a long weekend.

Okay, once that's all in place-- off we go to step two.

STEP TWO
(This is really my favorite part of project management. You don?t often hear about this too much-- kind of like an insider secret, but I'm going to share it with you).

Sit back and do nothing.

Yep, that's right. Nada. Rien. Not a thing.

Well, of course, do keep up with your normal routines of massage, manicure, pedicure, eating chocolates in bed-- that sort of stuff, but don't do any project work. This is when the project just steeps in its own juices. Best not to stir the pot just yet.

STEP THREE
Alas, all too soon, step two is over and all good project managers must begin the third step in the process.

How do you know it's time to start the third step? Well, usually there's some sort of indication. People show up at your door and yell things at you about schedule slips or missed deadlines. Or, possibly a client calls and wonders what's taking you so long. Either way, there comes a time when you just know. But don't worry, even if you don't realize it is time, there will be someone to help you remember-- (I call them "the screamers").

So third step. What now?

Simple-- just collapse. Yep, get completely overwhelmed at all you must get done and the fact that there is absolutely not enough time to get it all done. However, here's where I can help. As a seasoned practitioner of project management, I will share with you some true chestnuts:

1. Begin drinking, heavily.

2. Eat as much crap as you can possibly consume. I recommend: ice cream, pretzels, Little Debbie peanut butter wafers, chips, that English fruitcake that's been sitting in the back of your cupboard since 1997, hot dogs (but only if they have nitrites), bologna, processed cheese (Cheez-Whiz is best) and as much fried food as possible.

3. Do not exercise. If you even think to get up and go for a short walk, you will completely ruin all your hard work of building up a physical fog of fear and self-loathing and reality might break through. Stay on the couch.

4. STEP FOUR
Once you've reached the breaking point, not one more salt & vinegar chip can cross your lips, you are ready for step four.

Just do it, bonehead.

And, voila! Your project is complete.

Of course, it must be duly noted that without a life partner, nay-- a HUSBAND-- who is beyond extraordinary, who stays up with you night after night after night well past midnight and then goes to work in the morning with eyes falling out of their sockets while you sip your coffee and scribble at your blog-- well, that is the true secret.

My husband is the secret weapon. He is all things magical and amazing and I want to send him something really cool to be delivered to his office today to say thank you and you rock-- but I can't think of anything since my head has been replaced with a cardboard replica.

Any ideas?

P.S. Oh and, Happy New Year!

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