August 30, 2007 8:05 AM- really? you prefer angst?

Enough with the dogs, quoth he.

Enough with the dogs? saith I.

And when I pressed him for an explanation he said, (and I would quote but I can't remember the exact phrasing) something about preferring my explorations of angst.

That can't be right. Besides, I don't get angsty, do I?


Okay, perhaps I do, but god-- that's what I hate most about my blatherings here. This whole living is just a hard way to go, to quote Bonnie Raitt singing "Angel from Montgomery." I should just quickly google who actually wrote that song and credit them, but I can't. I have exactly eight minutes until my internet connection slows to 3mbps. Three megabytes per second. You know the Romans moved menhirs faster than that.

I would have complained about the misery that is our internet connection earlier in the summer when it first began wrapping its muscled tentacles around my legs and pulling me down to the floor, but that would be complaining about an inconvenience and if there's anything I cannot tolerate in myself given how much struggle there is in the world, it's fussing about something as inconsequential as I can't watch YouTube videos or surf the web or google songwriters except between the hours of 3 am and 7am.

But now that I know there is someone, someone very close to me, who savors my petty miseries, who delights in the tears of frustration that ping off the screen as I hurl obscenities at a browser that is swiftly outpaced by the speed with which astronauts can sprint across the moon's surface, well then-- let the inconveniences fly.

I'm already bored by the internet issues, but quickly in case your inquiring mind needs to know-- we have an internet source run by red squirrels thanks to some ingenious guy in town and it normally works fairly well (which is to say, almost as good as dial-up) but in the summer the guy OVERSELLS the service and you have every stockbroker from NYC soaking his pedicured toes in the lake and sucking up my internet connection on his freaking laptop multiply by 25,000 and all of a sudden we're chugging along at 3 mbps.

But that's not angst. Angst is realizing I'm having a mid-life crisis. Only, it seems almost exactly like the career/what am I doing with my life crisis I had when I was 24 except when you are 24 there's a possiblity you will figure it all out and, you know, have a life. It's most disconcerting.

It's not that I'm unhappy with my decision to leave my job-- that was absolutely the right decision. And it's not that I'm uncertain about the path I'm on-- it feels right. It's more that some part of my head, like a freaking Greek Chorus of doom, is chanting on and on about how things just can't possibly work out if I release control.

And yet, all these years I've been hell bent on controlling everything I possibly could to keep from getting hurt, to keep the vagaries of life from having its way with me-- and what did all the control get me but a sense of being caught in an endless whirlpool? Well, that and a bite splint from all the teeth clenching--

So-- I'm giving up control which is the scariest thing I could possibly do. I'm shifting over into all gut-- following instint (Hey! just like Luke Skywalker!) and god knows where I'm going to end up-- but the hell with it-- I'm flying blind.

There, darling-- enough angst for you?

got 2 cents?

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Marilyn says:
John Prine...and I only know that because I listened to that B. Raitt album about 4,000 times when I was housesitting for friends in 1978. :) I can only think to say this: giving up control doesn't make the scary things go away...it just makes them hurt less. The same way going with the flow hurts less than holding on for dear life...even when the flow's current is so strong that it's bashing the sh*t out of you, bouncing you off the river-bottom rocks and the branches protruding from the banks. Buckle up that white-light life vest, sister, and jump in... ;)
posted on: August 30

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Jazz says:
It is scary to give up control, but when you look at it logically, how much control did you really have, and how much of it was simply the illusion of control. Go with the flow petit coquelicot, scary maybe, but much less stressful. PS: Me, I like your angst (makes me feel better about my own), but I like the Butterscotch Gang just as much. They help to laugh away the angst... ;-)
posted on: August 30

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bohemiangirl says:
I once met this hippie in Nelson, BC who told me that he was learning the art of 'surrendering'. So often, we're caught up in planning and controlling and fighting life that we forget to surrender to what the universe has to offer. There's much beauty and peace in that notion. Here's to flying blind! Awesome post by the way.
posted on: August 30

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melanie says:
Angsty talk, dogalouge - either way, it's all good. Of course, what isn't good is your internet speed but now that summer is almost over does that mean the daytraders will go home and leave you in peace thus speeding up your connection again?
posted on: August 30

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lizardek says:
Hey, maybe your bite splint and mine could get together and go bowling or something. Though I call mine a bite guard, god knows why. You can always take BACK control if you decide to let slip the dogs of war a little bit, you know. Give it a whirl and see what happens if you relax!
posted on: August 30

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Heather says:
Oh man I understand the angst thing totally. I'm in a big changy period of my life and I'm 37 and I don't know what my next job will be or what I'll be doing, and it sucks, because, yeah, I'm not 24 anymore and those windows of opportunity are closing.
posted on: August 30

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yogagirl says:
ya know when I get like this? I just ask myself: "how would it feel if I were to give up control over this (whatever issue of the day) just for ONE minute? How amazingly good would that finally feel? And then I just keep expanding the minutes until I finally let it go completely. I know..kinda corny. But when I read that in Yoga Journal a few months ago and applied to an especially trying situation..it knocked me to my knees. Control, having a plan B , etc? Gawd i suffer from that shit too. It's okay. We won't let you end up in a box down by the river or anything :)
posted on: August 30

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catherine says:
no! never give up! you can SO control the world...I refuse the let go. ;) oh, but if we didn't have all this to occupy our wee primate brains, what would we do with ourselves...read more blogs, drink more coffee? ...ok, really though. I'm qualified to mock only because I am a certifiable control freak (CCF), and know only too well the pain and angst. I wish you luck and love on your journey at this time. :)
posted on: August 30

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tinker says:
I think there may be an epidemic of mid-life angst going on right now. Or maybe it's just an Aquarian thing. May the force be with you (I know it's hard to take that line seriously, but I mean it sincerely).
posted on: August 31

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Molly says:
Last night I had dinner with a friend and her friend and that new friend was going through: do I go with the easy job really close by with financial security or do I wing off to NYC and have the job of my dreams with nearly no money? And I said follow the one of your dreams, the job in your heart. I am trying that one out because I don't want to look back on my life and regret not having tried, even if I fail. (Gulp) I want to live without regrets. I wish you so much luck.
posted on: August 31

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daphne says:
I think it's absolute buffoonery to stay in one place doing one thing for too long. How boring, unless, of course, you're the guy or gal designing the next space station or actually finding a cure for an incurable disease. But the reality is that most of us work in places of little importance, that in the grand scheme of things, it's not going to matter if we did this or that, but that we enjoyed the journey. So enjoy your journey I say, where ever, how ever, it leads. It's so much more fun that way. Angst for me is usually my inner trouble telling me that I've gotten way to comfy in my comfort zone and it's time to break out of the 3-day pajamas and wipe off the crusties and try something new and different.
posted on: August 31

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otter says:
I was just thinking last night how much I admire than when something doesn't bring you joy anymore, you let it go and move on. Personally, I think the universe is calling you to write that fantastic novel that's brewing in your noggin.
posted on: August 31

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Bridgemor says:
BP you'll be ok when you give up believing that you have control outside of your own thoughts and decisions you choose to make. About five years ago I gave up 18 years of full time teaching and went to part time so that I could go back to art school, (undergrad no less). I was petrified of not having enough money to pay the mortgage. Lots of my friends exclaimed, "can you afford to do that", I new I could not afford to make this decision. So I took that leap of faith, and what followed were feelings and experiences I could never have predicted. And where that decision led me was on a journey that is my incredible life. When you decide to listen and trust your inner guidance system, where you end up will be a place more incredible than you could have ever imagined. If you didn't have agnst or fear you wouldn't be human. I probably have at least 25 more years of life experience than you, and if I had a daughter your age this is what I would tell her. Listen to your inner voice because that is not an illusion, trust it and believe in it, it will never lie or mislead you, it's the best guidance system you'll ever have. Good luck to you.
posted on: August 31

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bp says:
bridgemor-- thank you for such a generous sharing-- you've described exactly where I am and where I want to be and I am so grateful to you for taking the time to share all that with me. Please know your words will stay with me and provide me with support-- I truly appreciate your support. I don't know how you ever found me but I am so glad you did and that you care enough to offer help. Now, since I can't email you privately-- tell me-- what can I take a picture of or write about on this site as a gift back to you?
posted on: September 01

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Sam says:
Oh sweet baby - I have no wisdom on this sort of thing - I look back at my "career" so far and laugh, laugh at the notion. Of course, I've never wanted but one sort of career - being a mama and finding some way to write - and I am still finding my way. But yes, there is so much you can't control, and I know you'll be happier when you let go of that notion. You can trust that you'll find a way to magnify that magnificent creative spring inside of you...
posted on: September 01

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Bridgemor says:
I need no gift bp just be who you are and write about what you write. Oh btw, I made a hugh mistake in my narrative, I do not have 25 years, only 15, yikes!
posted on: September 01

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