(NOTE: Chapter 3 has been posted at Don't Think Twice)

Blathmac Blather, Ireland?s best blog reportage
Having been told by a couple of pretty young things to slag off, Dublin?s own Archie Belemus slunk over to the end of the bar. To his great surprise he found himself sitting next to none other than the illustrious Pastamasta, otherwise known as the headwaiter at the daily linguini. Thinking he might luck out with an interview and a couple of free drinks, the smelly Yorkshireman chatted up his fellow Brit.

AB Afternoon mate, mine?s a Black Dog if you?re buying.

PM Who the hell are you? And you can?t get Black Dog anymore, you duffer. The brewery closed years ago.

AB Bloody shame.

PM Too right. Best ale in the North, that was.

AB I?ll drink to that.

PM You buying?

AB Ah, what the hell. (to the bartender) Give us a couple of pints.
(to Pastamasta) Hey, I recognize you. You?re that blogger fellow. Bit of a food nut, aren?t you?

PM Connoisseur. But sure. I could talk about food until the cows come home. It?s my favorite topic of conversation. There?s just so much to taste and every culture has its own spin on things. You know, a Turkish chef and a Vietnamese chef will do completely different things with a chicken and make it taste fantastic in very individual ways.

AB Vietnamese women are hot.

PM Do you cook?

AB Beans on toast.

PM I?ll take that as a no.

AB So you're pretty serious about all this?

PM I?d say that food is one of the greatest pleasures in life, second only to drink.

AB Well you?ve got it half right, anyway. Are foodies made or born, then? Did you always know you were a foodie? Even as a pre-verbal child?

PM I was an infant prodigy. I emerged from the womb speaking the language of Adam and all the tongues of men are known to me.

AB Me, I prefer women?s tongues.

PM Twat. But. since you?ve asked, I?ve loved food more or less since birth. My parents fed me on a wide range of cuisines from an early age, so I guess my upbringing had a lot to do with it. Mind you, my brother won?t touch anything except boiled eggs and marmite sandwiches?

AB Sounds alright to me.

PM --so maybe I have a rogue foodie gene. I don?t eat a lot in terms of quantity, but let?s just say that if variety is the spice of life, then I?ve got some bloody spicy cupboards. I?ll try pretty much anything edible at least once. I guess you could say I have catholic tastes.

AB Oh, that reminds me, have you heard the one about the farmer who lives next to a convent?

PM Uh, yeah.

AB Don?t want to hear it again? It?s ?

PM Yeah, I?m sure.

AB (disappointed) Right. Well then speaking of pre-verbal, how the hell did you pick up on the Chomsky reference in that conversation with Ollie?

PM I?ve got a degree in cognitive theory from the University of Pompous Erudition in Basingstoke.

AB Really?

PM No you tosser. But I?ve done some layman?s reading on the subject before cause it?s fascinating. Actually I?m reading Pinker?s The Language Instinct at the moment. But that conversational piece had me foxed so I just stuck a chunk of Ollie?s quote into Google and parapharased the results. Had you fooled.

AB Neither big nor clever.

PM Buy me another pint.

AB (to the bartender) Two more.
(to Pastamasta) I take it from that ring on your finger you?re a married man.

PM Most happily.

AB Yeah? If you?re a happily married bloke, then give us your best pick up lines. You won?t be needing them anymore and I?ve been a bit down on my luck with the ladies, if you know what I mean.

PM Bathing seems to go over big with the ladies. You might try it. And see someone about those eyebrows. My god man, Groucho Marx was more groomed than you.

AB You think? So, you won?t give me one? Just one?

PM Lines are for one-night stands which frankly I don?t think you?d have much of a shot at.

AB Piss off. Maybe I?ll shave my head. Worked for Beckham. Now he?s a right chap, don?t you think and that lovely piece of Posh he?s got.

PM Couldn?t give a toss about either of them.

AB If you could be famous for something, what would you want to be famous for?

PM Not the sort of thing that?d have the press hounds on me, that?s for sure. I dunno, it?d have to be something useful. Either that or dying in a famously spectacular way like being struck by lightning while having sex in the middle of the Place de la Concorde, or similar. I reckon the papers would love that.

AB The missus likes it outdoors, does she?

PM Mention my wife again and I?ll knock those last six teeth out of your mouth.

AB Hey now, no need for a row. How?d you get into this whole blogging thing, anyway? What was the first blog you ever read?

PM It was Dreams of a River Selkie which I found because I was doing a search engine query about ducks. She was very funny and from there I followed some of her links to other blogs and chuckled at those and then started lurking, then posting . . and so on. Started up a site of my own.

AB Favorite place in France?

PM The Cognac region, particularly Bassac. I was hiking round that way a few years back and spent a couple of days there checking out the local produce. Unbelievable flavors in the food, quite unbelievable. They can do things with a fish that would make it proud to have been eaten. Also they have this amazing liqueur called Pineau des Charentes which is just out of this world, sort of like a smooth sherry but with overtones of retsina. But I can?t get for love nor money where I live which really pisses me off.

AB You know what pisses me off?

PM I?m afraid you?re going to tell me.

AB Coldplay is doomed to a downward spiral now that Chris Martin is hooked up with that American wench.

PM You?re a bitter, jealous man.

AB That I am, mate.

PM Well, thanks for the drink. I?ll be shoving off, then.

AB And I?m going to work my way over to that pretty thing in the pink jumper. She?s taken a fancy to me, I can tell.

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