Blathmac Blather, Ireland?s best blog reportage
Archie Belemus, Dublin's own intrepid wanna-be journalist struck gold yet again. In a recent foray into one of his favorite watering holes, he stumbled upon a rare bird who was out for a nightcap-- the charming, bon vivant, Julia of Here Be Hippogriffs.

AB: Is that champagne you're drinking? You look too posh to be in a joint like this.

Julia: Would you believe it's cider? Or should I confess what I carry in my flask?

AB: Yes, you must confess--- I was going to be a priest. I wanted all those young girls coming in and telling me their dirty thoughts.

Julia: All right, then, father, I confess. It's been four years since my last non-vintage.

AB: Ooh, a witty lass. And she smells good! Bet that's one of those fine French perfumes you're wearing.

Julia: Heavens no, it's soap. Might I suggest...

AB: (shudders) Me, I hate soap. Makes me feel all slimey. But hey now. I recognize you -- you're that gargoyle chick--- you're the one Robert Palmer wrote that song for-- you know (he sings) hey hey Julia . .you're a temptation to a man, I know I can't resist you and I won't if I can. ( he stops singing) I'm right, aren't I? You are quite irresistible. (he reaches for her knee).

Julia: (moves knee) She lay before me and said yes/ It's true that I have seen some naked men - Billy Bragg is more to the point.

AB: You've seen naked men? You wild woman---- actually, come to think of it, even though you look like a woman who could make a perfect martini, I bet you could keep the peace in a 32-seat bar full of longshoreman, couldn't you now?

Julia: (she blushes) As a respectable wife and mother of one I hardly know how to respond to you, Archie, but I confess (again with the confessions) I am rather up on nautical lore, now that you mention it. I dated a guy once who was building a boat. A very big boat, named Thumper. He would take me down to the marina and show me where all the secret places were for guns. He was inordinately fond of guns.

AB: You know there's a theory about how men name their dogs and their boats . . .so I'll just ask . . did the boat deserve to be called Thumper?

Julia: Eh

AB: Or was it more of a small whimper? If I had a dog I would name it Maximus. Heh.

Julia: Aren't you naughty? I knew a Maximus once...

AB: Do you have a favorite bar or did you once upon a time back before you were a Missus and a Mama?

Julia: Oh.... not so much anymore. My old boss and I found a great wine bar out here, but we went to dinner there and closed the place DOWN and his wife objected strenuously to both the $300 Visa bill and the fact that he staggered in at 2.

AB: A wine bar-- that's no bar--- and food? There shouldn't be food in a bar--- peanuts, okay maybe some crisps-- but that's it. A proper bar is beer booze and blokes. Did she not also object to her husband being out on the town with your luscious self?

Julia: She doesn't like me so much, no, which is a pity, since I am actually a lot of fun.

AB: I'm having fun--- you are they kind of girl I like to party with even if you are a bit posh. I bet you have that alot with the womenfolk-- the jealousy rearing it's big green head--

Julia: Jealousy? I don't know. Men like me more than women. Always have.

AB: Here's my theory for which I have years of field research and scientific data---- there can only be one queen-- and once the queen is identified all the other women cluster away from the queen and bitch and moan about her. You my dear, are a queen. Now tell me-- why the hippogriffs or gargoyles? or what's the difference?

Julia: Ah. originally I put together this adorable jpg file of the fourth chromosome and I had an arrow pointing to the part where Steve was all... rearranged and I wrote Here Be Hippogriffs like the old maps.

AB: Like the 6 million dollar man? You made him better than before?

Julia: More like "Stay Away from this Guy's Sperm." I suggested he get a medicalert bracelet.

AB: Ahhhh a totem pole to ward off all the other thieving females from your manly mate.

Julia: (shakes her head at Archie ) In Case of Attempted Reproduction Get The Fuck Out.

AB: Genius! Bloody genius! Were you always this smart? Did your parents know what to do with such a gifted child?

Julia: They sent me to bars.

AB: Sound like good folks.

Julia: No, no, I escaped to bars.

AB: Would you say the education you got in bars was better than a college degree?

Julia: GOD YES.

AB: Than I'm a freaking PhD--- I've spent my life in bars.

Julia: I went to my first bar at 15. I loved it there. I met my husband in a bar.

AB: You met your husband in a bar? Mr. Steve?

Julia: Ah yes, I met my SECOND husband in a bar. I met the first one in his living room as I was sleeping with his rommmate.

AB: (kisses Julia) You are the woman I have always dreamed of, I knew it from the start.

Julia: Hey! No kissing on the first... oh who am I kidding?

AB: So, do you remember what you were wearing when you met Hubster the second?

Julia: Yes, actually I do. I was wearing a short beige dress.

AB: To show off those amazing gams of yours. Was it love at first sight?

Julia: Um, I wanted to eat him, does that count?

AB: Abso-fucking-lutely! I mean, eat him in the Bibilical sense, of course.

Julia: He had eyes like autumn leaves and I thought he was 20.

AB: Was he 20?

Julia: No, he was 28, the backwards baseball cap threw me.

AB: Were you a gay divorcee at the time or an unhappy housefrau?

Julia: um....I sort of became unhappy after I met Steve.

AB: He stole your heart . . .

Julia: Yes, I suppose so.

AB: Ah, love. I gotta get me some of that.

Julia: That and my first was a waste of closet space. If he had a dog I would have named it lightning.

AB: (he flashes his rotting teeth in a grin) Good one, that. Did you know you were going to meet someone special that night or was it a total surprise?

Julia: I was at the bar to meet someone else.

AB: Bloody hell--- you're a fine piece of woman, you are!

Julia: I am a ba-a-a-d person. I went to a bachelorette party the weekend before and met this FETCHING young man.

AB: Why is this bad--- it can't possibly be bad-- look at the idyllic life you now lead bad people don't get to lead happy lives.

Julia: Do you think?

AB: Look at me-- I'm a fucking perfect example.

Julia: How so, dear heart?

AB: Blowing up frogs and pulling the wings of flies as a youth, wanking off -- and look at me now. No woman would have me. ( snot dribbles down the side of his mouth ).

Julia: Oh there, there.

AB: But let's not talk about me-- I'm enthralled with you-- Enthralled.

Julia: Aw, that's why I love bars so much... it's so easy to become enchanting.

AB: And you are in a word, enchanting.

Julia: Pshaw.

AB: How did you get into bloging? Do you remember the first blog you ever read?

Julia: I wrote for a parenting site. I kept a pregnancy "diary" then it grew on me, like a cocaine habit or something. The first blog I found was a little pregnant. She's fabulous.

AB: What's your drug of choice when you're blogging-- coke? wine-- champagne?

Julia: I never really got into drugs. My best friend was a big stoner but everything made me annoying and paranoid. I became a cheerful drinker at 15 and have stuck with it. I drink red wine mainly, champagne as well.

AB: If you were to write the great American novel, and I sure as hell hope you do-- would it feature any of the wild events of your life?

Julia: ah... the semi-autobiographical novel. I don't know. I would like to write about Julian.

AB: Julian? I have yet another man to contend with?

Julia: Oh, sorry. Great Big Love Julian.

AB: (rubs his sleeve across his nose) You really are out of my league, aren't you--- I had the smallest glimmer of hope there for a moment, but alas.

Julia: but we can always be good good friends, right, Archie?

AB: This is why you are a queen. THIS. Making every man however humble feel he has a chance---how old were you when you met Julian.

Julia: 20. He was perfect.

AB: Dare I ask what happened?

Julia: Short version. Julian went away for two years.

AB: Oh my my my Bloody Hell woman--- I think you're one of those old souls who come into this world to drain it of every experience possible? Somehow the blissful Martha Stewart housewife doesn't seem to fit?

Julia: I was a bad-ass tart.

AB: I love me some bad-ass tart! Although all bad-ass tarts grow into strict moms look at Madonna raising her children to be proper English gits. What's left? What life experiences do you want to have in the future?

Julia: I would like to have more children and once they are safely off I want to write for MONEY.

AB: I'm no H.L. Mencken-- but surely you could write for money right now you're that good.

Julia: Thank you.

AB: Well I can see a little snog is out of the question, so I'll just say I you're think you are a most beautiful and charming lady and I loved our little chat here tonight.

Julia: Take care, dear. And Archie? Take a shower.

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