Dear Sarah Palin,

My dogs are not happy with you. In order to write this letter, I had to cut their walk short this morning and frankly, for them, my priorities are a bit mixed up. The problem is, if I don't get this off my chest, you are gonna be buzzing around my head all day like a goddamn mosquito-- so here we go.

Unlike you, I am not a political animal. Perhaps that makes me "elitist?"

From the way you used that word last night, I would think by your definition an elitist is anyone who doesn't share your beliefs. Surely you can't mean it to include someone who lives in a small town and works as a teacher, right? Because, small town Americans-- ALL small town Americans think just as you do, especially if they work, you know, "regular" jobs like real folks.

Wait, I'm confused. You clearly think there's an "us" and a "them". As you have described it, either people subscribe to your narrow definition of the correct way to live, or they are out of your group. You believe that all small town Americans are the REAL Americans and it's those other "elitist" Americans (who have multiple houses and don't practice religion as you think they should) who should get out of your damn way so you can start laying pipe, and drilling for oil.

Gosh Sarah, doesn't that make YOU elitist?

Surely you've seen a dictionary before, right? I mean, I know you have strong views about what kind of books can be allowed in a public library, but you aren't afraid of dictionaries, too-- are you? Because if you pick up any dictionary you would find that an elitism is the "practice of or belief in rule by an elite" and/or "consciousness of or pride in belonging to a select or favored group."

Honestly, Sarah, after listening to you last night-- that describes you.

Although I would fight for your right to live as you please and to practice your religion as you like, you don't seem to want to accord me the same right. Strange, since that's what the founding fathers of this country insisted upon.

That was the ENLIGHTENED view of educated people who had come through centuries of insane religious wars (NOTE: there are also history books in the library-- take a look, it might open up your perspective). Now, you might call those men elitist. They sure were some well-read peckerheads and big idea guys. Of course, I don't know that they knew how to gut a moose as you do, but give them some credit-- they were the original Americans, after all.

The ones who separated CHURCH and STATE.

The ones who understood people have different values, opinions, and cultural preferences-- something that religious doctrines can't seem to pull into their loving embrace.

And lady, there might be some who let your pretty face and perky sass cover up your ugly heart, but not me. You think your desire to control what a woman can or cannot do with her own body is based in a love of life.

I beg to differ.

You don't love life. Life is wild and unpredictable. Life cannot be controlled by small-minded human beings; it is beyond our ken. And, yet, you are righteous in your belief that there are only two sides to every story: good and evil.

Life is not just human beings, Sarah. You, you who think that killing animals is a sport-- a fun hobby-- you are chomping at the bit to destroy massive areas of Alaska (a wilderness that many people hold sacred, btw) and all the animal and plant life there in pursuit of oil.

That's not a love of life. That's a love of money and power.

And speaking of power mongers, who is this "Washington Elite" you have so much contempt for? People who have been working on Washington for the past few decades? People who advocate the policies of George Bush and Dick Cheney? People like, um . . John McCain?

I understand you had no option last night but to attack everything about Senator Obama that you don't understand. What else could you do? Try to find the good points about the past 8 years of political leadership that you subscribe to heart and soul? (You might think us good Americans are simple-minded, but you knew that no one could be unaware of the devastating legacy of the Bush-Cheney administration).

Why not just admit that you don't know the first thing about how to respond to a person of Obama's caliber. Slapshots are all you know.

Here's a newsflash for you, honey: you're playing hockey, he's playing quidditch.

Oh wait-- you don't know what that is, do you? That comes from one of your banned books, doesn't it? As a mother of five, you know that children should not be encouraged to develop their imagination. That's dangerous-- a terrible danger that leads to things like thinking and seeing the world differently. So glad you've got the kids' education well in hand. I'm particularly impressed with how you want Bible stories taught in science classes.

I noticed you have a penchant for sarcasm-- thought I'd send a little your way.

You object to penchant? Too big a word for you? Sigh, maybe I am an elitist.

How can that be, Sarah?

I am a teacher.
I live in a small town (pop; 1300) founded in the 1700s by a bunch of hard-working people-- just your type, really.
I was born in Boston and have lived in the United States my whole life.
I have always paid taxes and voted and have been a fine, upstanding member of the community.

Why can't I be in your club, Sarah? What is it about me you can't tolerate?

got 2 cents?