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April 19, 2005 12:07 PM- Archie et La Coquette

(Pictured above is la belle Coquette)

Last seen sullying the nation's capital, the ever resourceful Archie Belemus scammed a seat onto Air Force One thanks to his illustrious position with Dublin's best blogging journal, Blathmac Blather, and landed in Paris, of all places. After a quick wash in the Seine, Archie headed out on the town where he met up with the young and lovely, La Coquette.

Archie: Bonjour luv. You are one pretty filly. Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?

La Coquette: I'm sorry, have we met?

Archie: I feel certain we have-- you look so familiar to me-- are you a model? You dress like a model-- damn-- look at those fancy shoes.

La Coquette: A model? God no, I was a child actor, but that was in another life.

Archie: hmm, maybe it's because all you Parisian women always look so gorgeous-- what's the secret?

La Coquette: Good perfume. L'Ombre dans L'Eau works nicely. I've noticed you're wearing something, err, distinctive.

Archie: Yeah-- I prefer the natural manly smell-- the chicks really seem to dig that.

La Coquette: That works well for you, eh?

Archie: I'm not seeing a ring on your lovely fingers-- does this mean you aren't yet spoken for?

La Coquette: That would be correct.

Archie: Ahh excellent---but then again, the French are known for their casual affairs so I don't suppose it right matters now does it? But you know, I'm very partial to red hair-----

La Coquette: I'm sorry Archie, I could never consider another red head. Everyone would think we were related and that's just 32 flavors of wrong.

Archie: But-- but-- damn, bad luck. Then tell me what you do go for---- cause I can always change though you'll never do better than a Scotsman you know?

La Coquette:: Mmm, the day I find someone who will take me on shopping sprees at Le Bon Marche AND can quote lines from Zoolander. I will be a happy woman.

Archie: That's it?! Damn woman--- I can, well hang on, who pays for the shopping sprees? And wait, shopping? Uh---- are we talking more than an hour?

La Coquette: Oh, he needs to be able to go all day.

Archie: Oh lassie, I can go all day if you know what I mean . . .

La Coquette: Let me clarify-- I know where all the public bathrooms are in every Parisian department store. I'm hardcore.

Archie: Hardcore? And we can do it in all the bathrooms?

La Coquette: Step off, you wanker.

Archie: Oh come on. I knew you were teasing me. Sounds to me like your ideal mate is one of those metrosexual types.

La Coquette: Perhaps, but he should also think that Conan O'Brian's string dance is funny. And maybe enjoy nerdy analytical discussions of Proust. Do you see why I'm single?

Archie: I'm astounded that you are single. What are the best places to troll for pretty fillies such as yourself and this metrosexual idealized man you seem to want? The pubs in this town are all about wine--- where's the good crack?

La Coquette: Mmm, you seem like the beer type to me, am I right? Well, when I want to relive my frat party days, I go to the bars in the Latin Quarter.

Archie: Beer's a good chaser?yes.

La Coquette: For the crack? I have no idea. Pigalle?

Archie: Ah, no not the drug crack--- the crack = the good conversation, the party. These French don't know how to party. Too uptight. Too concerned with how they look. What other people think.

La Coquette: I know, there's a lot of blah blah blah.

Archie: Who has the better pick up lines, French men or American men?

La Coquette: A French man once said to me "you are so fashion." I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. An American guy would never.... It was totally reverential. Like, fashion is hot.

Archie: Well, you are hot. And, fashion is next to godliness in France, n'est-ce pas-- did you see that use of French? Doesn't it turn you on when I speak French?

La Coquette: Ummm, it does something. American guys are all, you're wearing those shoes? Do you know how far we have to walk?

Archie: They don't hail you a cab?

La Coquette: American guys? Hell no.

Archie: Americans are cheap, are they?

La Coquette: Yeah! Cheap! And what's with the football?

Archie: Are French man as romantic as legend would have it? Or, they all just after a good snogging like the rest of us?

La Coquette: My father might be reading this, but between you and me Archie, I think they're all just after the good snog.

Archie: Too right! Er, your father is reading this?!

*sits back, takes his hand off Coquette's knee*

Now I feel like I'm talking to you on the front porch with your da on the other side ready to knock my teeth out. He's a friendly guy, your da? Does he like your boyfriends?

La Coquette: My dad?s a pussycat. He?s also in the mafia. Why do you think I'm anonymous?

Archie: You're not anonymous! Tout le monde knows la coquette! Did you see how I used French again? Does that turn you on?

La Coquette: We're already been through this. Pas de redheads.

Archie: Hey, you'd be surprised how many girls give in to perserverance . . .but, okay--- I can tell when woman wants some space-- I'm a sensitive new age man, you know. Tell me this, how did you get into blogging? Do you remember the first blog you ever read?

La Coquette: Yes I do, it was Eurotrash. She's wicked. and also totally hilarious. I started blogging because my friend made me. I was sending her these epic emails, and quite frankly, she was sick of it. So I got a new audience.

Archie: What's the best time of day to blog?

La Coquette: Morning. Night. Whenever I'm not picking up dog poop.

Archie:What's the best beverage to drink while blogging?

La Coquette: Du vin, bien sur!

Archie: What's the best outfit to wear while blogging?

La Coquette: I'm a high low kind of girl. Heels and pajamas.

Archie: *growling*

La Coquette: You like that, don't you?

Archie: *drooling*

La Coquette: Ohhh, you're getting a little close there. Good lord! Pepe le Pew called, he wants his cologne back.

Archie: Well, I can see you're ready to head off to one of your fabulous Parisian adventures-- so I won't hold you back-- but tell us this, do you see yourself making a life in Paris? Is this home for you?

La Coquette: When I first moved here. I thought a year seemed really long. Now it's been a year and three months, and I have no idea when I'll leave. I lurve Paris, I do.

Archie: You've told us about your ideal man--can you describe what your ideal job would be?

La Coquette: Getting paid to write would be awesome. Also, my uncle has a dairy farm outside of le Mans so I have a standing offer to be a milkmaiden. It's nice to have something to fall back on.

Archie: Oh god woman-- you're killing me-- there's a reason your name is coquette-- how will I ever get that image out of my mind?? A milkmaid in heels and lingerie . . Last question-- aside from bread, when you go into a patisserie--see? See how I use the French word? I am so hot--- what is the pastry you order most often?

La Coquette: Pain au chocolat. It's been my favorite since I was a wee coquette. And yes, your French usage is rather adorable, I must admit.

Archie: I can now die a happy man.

got 2 cents?



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pastamasta says:
Coquette - speaking as an English Gentleman, I feel a sudden urge to remove Mr. Belemus from your divine presence and give him a jolly good thrashing with the nearest available cricket bat. One does not behave so with a lady (unless she wants you to).
posted on: April 19

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Chanelbaby says:
Coquette, if that is in fact a pink iMac I will motherfuckingdie. I WANT ONE. Mine is white. Also, HI BP! You are one hell of a writer. Did you write more about Mookie? Wait I am going to go check the archives.
posted on: April 19

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Coquette says:
Chanelbaby, no need to motherfuckingdie--I assure you it's white. P.S. THEY MAKE PINK iMacs AND I WAS NOT AU COURANT? Pastamasta, thank you for the kind chivalry. I knew not all Englishmen behaved thusly.
posted on: April 19

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gatsby says:
first, thank god someone is finally swearing in here. second, this is the hottest action on the internet.
posted on: April 19

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Tanya says:
Coquette: my boyfriend is a) French b) speaks perfect English and (brace yourself) c) takes me on shopping sprees to Bon Marche (where he buys me THE Le Gateau) AND d) QUOTES LINES FROM ZOOLANDER - I KID YOU NOT!!!!!!!
posted on: April 19

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lizardek says:
Those are some damn fancy shoes!
posted on: April 19

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otter says:
You know I'm a sucker for an Archie interview. *swoon*
posted on: April 19

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finelyspungirl says:
Loved the Archie B interview as usual! And, uhm, not to be plugging products here, but one of my good friends has a website which happens to be relevant to the comments made by Chanelbaby and the lovely Coquette. Hey you two, and anyone else who's interested, check out www.customapple.com. You can custom colour your apple product, or buy a custom colored one. There are 20 colours to choose from, including pink, or you could send in a colour swatch for them to match. They ship world-wide! Ok, enough advertising, lol.
posted on: April 20

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Sammy says:
My hubby can quote Zoolander in French AND in English... take your pick... 'It's a school for ants!" or "C'est une maison pour des fourmis!" Anyway, has taken, and he's broke, so he would never have been able to support your 'Bon March? habit'.
posted on: April 20

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Gale says:
Ah, those Irish craic fiends. Love the shoes!!!
posted on: April 20

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samantha says:
So...glad...to see Archie back in the swing of things! And with the ever lovely Coquette! Well, i mean, not LITERALLY swinging with her - oh dear, I am digging a ditch for myself. But I agree with Coquette, that the right man WILL think Conan's string dance is funny - hell, everything Conan does is funny! Otherwise, that man is just not worth his salt, or his bank account.
posted on: April 20

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Coquette says:
I'm famous. This is unbelievable. Oh, and Gatsby, YOU'RE the hottest action on the internet. *licking finger* *sizzle* Tanya, you'd better hold on tight to that guy of yours. Just saying.
posted on: April 20

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suzanna danna says:
Oh Archie... you devilish hound you! And Miss Coquette? It is very nice to make your acquaintance? love the shoes dearie!
posted on: April 21

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