morning, 4 august 2010

If I were a poet (or a chef with a killer reduction sauce), I could synthesize what I want to share in a simple, yet profound way.

alas-- it's just me with my bouquet of thoughts-- hardly neat and contained-- rather wild and unkempt, though I could've sworn there was a rose in there.

Definitely a sunflower.

morning, 4 august 2010

Last night I was in an absolute wrench of pain that I typically turned inward on myself. The source of my flipping out is completely banal.
I share this with you because we ALL can experience awfulness due to seemingly innocuous frustrations.

The issues that caused me to dissolve into a sobbing wreck with the kind of abject hopeless crying normally reserved for a 3-year old who was just handed the wrong color popsicle and thus, had his world collapse around him-- are the same two that have been dogging me for the past 3+ weeks: shipping(books) and internet.

It's not that they are particularly important issues or that they will not find their resolutions (perhaps not before the year 2097, but someday--no doubt), it's that they sat on top of some core fears/beliefs that I carried and it took until last night for the FEAR BLOCK to get unearthed and brought to the surface. And, it took this unending, relentless hammering and squeezing on me from these two sources until I finally cracked and the fear/beliefs could be released.

Of course, trust me, it didn't feel like that AT. ALL. when I was in it. I wasn't sitting back in my chair sipping a lovely vintage port from a small cut crystal glass while this was all going on, making insightful commentary from the safety of my perch. Oh no.

I was just like the little kid who is completely and utterly swept up in the storm of emotion and does not know that he will ever feel good again. If you can believe it, i got a phone call right in the midst of it all-- when I was furiously scribbling in my journal page after page after page after 400-oh-my god-let-the-poor-blank-journal- alone-pages of emotional outpouring. The phone call was from Dave (the husband formerly known as T).

Basically, he knows me better than anyone. He knew some of the circumstances of yesterday and he knew how I would react. So, he reached in, grabbed me by the scruff of my neck-- yanked me out of the abyss of depression and self-recrimination I was spiralling into and threw me to the ground and handed me a towel to wipe off the slime.

He reminded me of things that it was very hard for me to see last night-- that I am on the hairy edge, that I take creative risks, that although my new digs are perfect for my soul, they suck for my technology needs-- and that I am not stupid, worthless, incompetent or the biggest fool this side of King Arthur's court.

It was a good call.

And then, right after that-- my love bunny Thea called because I had sent her an email and the funniest thing is this: I almost didn't send it because I felt like I was venting all over her and what she said to me was, "oh my god, I was so thrilled to see you were finally leaning on me."

*insert caveman sound of confusion*

What? "leaning on you" ?<-- I sent you a screamy, frustrated whiny email and dumped my crap all over you . . . but lo and behold, she felt totally differently about it and, most importantly, it allowed her to call me and share the crap that was going on in her world so we had a great, deep conversation and oh. my. god. that's when I had my revelation about this mini-tornado in my life.

You see, I had been through this same wringer with these two issues over and over and over again in the past weeks and I had done EVERYTHING EV.ER.Y.THING known to man to resolve them and yet back they were to slam me to the ground again and I couldn't understand what I could possibly be learning from it and so slid right into my nihilistic back-up which is-- it's all meaningless-- when in fact, that is not true.

For me, the universe was squeezing on me until I let go of those DEEP fears.

Squeezing and squeezing on me. I was the one who made it so tough because I wasn't just letting it all come up to the surface in the first place. Not that I think we should all be flipping out into hissy fits 24/7, but sometimes, I am here to say, they have a purpose.

The fact is, I had specifically asked the universe to help me release some blocks-- I didn't actually understand that this was the answer to my request-- but after talking with Thea, I got it.

And it felt fantastic.

And I felt more clear, more loose, more safe, more open, more trusting than I have in weeks.

I felt good again.

When I woke up this morning-- the sunlight was soft. And a chorus of the Indigo Girls was singing in my head.

Daisy and Henry and I went out into the wet grass-- I was barefoot-- and I gathered wild flowers to put in tiny vases around the apartment because Christine is arriving tonight and staying for three days!

What did I notice this morning? That behind my fraying, fragile woven wicker chair under the appletree is a stone bench. Yes, I had seen the stone bench before, obvs. It's just that I never thought of it THAT way-- me and my metaphoric mind, you know.

I feel silly dragging you through all of this, but I hope it helps at least one person out there when you are handed the wrong colored popsicle.

Go ahead. Flip out.

I've got your back.

morning, 4 august 2010

Bisous, E

"I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch of spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace my sight grows stronger, grows stronger)
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
(And I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)

~ Indigo Girls, Prince of Darkness

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