August 04, 2010 5:20 AM- my place is over sun

morning, 4 august 2010

If I were a poet (or a chef with a killer reduction sauce), I could synthesize what I want to share in a simple, yet profound way.

alas-- it's just me with my bouquet of thoughts-- hardly neat and contained-- rather wild and unkempt, though I could've sworn there was a rose in there.

Definitely a sunflower.

morning, 4 august 2010

Last night I was in an absolute wrench of pain that I typically turned inward on myself. The source of my flipping out is completely banal.
I share this with you because we ALL can experience awfulness due to seemingly innocuous frustrations.

The issues that caused me to dissolve into a sobbing wreck with the kind of abject hopeless crying normally reserved for a 3-year old who was just handed the wrong color popsicle and thus, had his world collapse around him-- are the same two that have been dogging me for the past 3+ weeks: shipping(books) and internet.

It's not that they are particularly important issues or that they will not find their resolutions (perhaps not before the year 2097, but someday--no doubt), it's that they sat on top of some core fears/beliefs that I carried and it took until last night for the FEAR BLOCK to get unearthed and brought to the surface. And, it took this unending, relentless hammering and squeezing on me from these two sources until I finally cracked and the fear/beliefs could be released.

Of course, trust me, it didn't feel like that AT. ALL. when I was in it. I wasn't sitting back in my chair sipping a lovely vintage port from a small cut crystal glass while this was all going on, making insightful commentary from the safety of my perch. Oh no.

I was just like the little kid who is completely and utterly swept up in the storm of emotion and does not know that he will ever feel good again. If you can believe it, i got a phone call right in the midst of it all-- when I was furiously scribbling in my journal page after page after page after 400-oh-my god-let-the-poor-blank-journal- alone-pages of emotional outpouring. The phone call was from Dave (the husband formerly known as T).

Basically, he knows me better than anyone. He knew some of the circumstances of yesterday and he knew how I would react. So, he reached in, grabbed me by the scruff of my neck-- yanked me out of the abyss of depression and self-recrimination I was spiralling into and threw me to the ground and handed me a towel to wipe off the slime.

He reminded me of things that it was very hard for me to see last night-- that I am on the hairy edge, that I take creative risks, that although my new digs are perfect for my soul, they suck for my technology needs-- and that I am not stupid, worthless, incompetent or the biggest fool this side of King Arthur's court.

It was a good call.

And then, right after that-- my love bunny Thea called because I had sent her an email and the funniest thing is this: I almost didn't send it because I felt like I was venting all over her and what she said to me was, "oh my god, I was so thrilled to see you were finally leaning on me."

*insert caveman sound of confusion*

What? "leaning on you" ?<-- I sent you a screamy, frustrated whiny email and dumped my crap all over you . . . but lo and behold, she felt totally differently about it and, most importantly, it allowed her to call me and share the crap that was going on in her world so we had a great, deep conversation and oh. my. god. that's when I had my revelation about this mini-tornado in my life.

You see, I had been through this same wringer with these two issues over and over and over again in the past weeks and I had done EVERYTHING EV.ER.Y.THING known to man to resolve them and yet back they were to slam me to the ground again and I couldn't understand what I could possibly be learning from it and so slid right into my nihilistic back-up which is-- it's all meaningless-- when in fact, that is not true.

For me, the universe was squeezing on me until I let go of those DEEP fears.

Squeezing and squeezing on me. I was the one who made it so tough because I wasn't just letting it all come up to the surface in the first place. Not that I think we should all be flipping out into hissy fits 24/7, but sometimes, I am here to say, they have a purpose.

The fact is, I had specifically asked the universe to help me release some blocks-- I didn't actually understand that this was the answer to my request-- but after talking with Thea, I got it.

And it felt fantastic.

And I felt more clear, more loose, more safe, more open, more trusting than I have in weeks.

I felt good again.

When I woke up this morning-- the sunlight was soft. And a chorus of the Indigo Girls was singing in my head.

Daisy and Henry and I went out into the wet grass-- I was barefoot-- and I gathered wild flowers to put in tiny vases around the apartment because Christine is arriving tonight and staying for three days!

What did I notice this morning? That behind my fraying, fragile woven wicker chair under the appletree is a stone bench. Yes, I had seen the stone bench before, obvs. It's just that I never thought of it THAT way-- me and my metaphoric mind, you know.

I feel silly dragging you through all of this, but I hope it helps at least one person out there when you are handed the wrong colored popsicle.

Go ahead. Flip out.

I've got your back.

morning, 4 august 2010

Bisous, E

"I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch of spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace my sight grows stronger, grows stronger)
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
(And I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)

~ Indigo Girls, Prince of Darkness

got 2 cents?

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Tracey says:
Oh, E. I know this feeling. I have been there, different circumstance that prompted it but meltdown, confusion yielding light, clarity and gratitude for sharing with others and seeing the mosaic of it all, yep, me too. I often have struggled with wanting to deal with issues alone, and pride made it difficult to reveal the cracks and dust and mildew. The rewards are so worth the awkwardness of unveiling the struggle/pain/vulnerability and opening up to fresh perspectives. I'm happy for your sense of peace and new insights! Mmmwwah!
posted on: August 04

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Susan says:
Oh, Elizabeth, have I been there -- although for a lot less important reasons than internet and/or shipping problems. All I can say in thank God for large furry orange creatures (be they Maine coon cats or devoted dogs) and patient friends. If the shipping problem is something that you could use help on i.e. packaging and addressing rather than the fact that you have to fill out a million forms for outside the US mail and pay more than the cost of the book, I would be happy to help you. xx
posted on: August 04

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Sam says:
Oh, my sweet E! The 3-year-old analogy is something I so, so get - having a 3-year-old in the house is quite an experience! Sometimes, a little breakdown is absolutely what we need. There is something so healing in tears and grief - who knows why our souls are constructed in such a way, that crying and releasing our fears can make way for assurance. And I so totally can relate to Thea: I never mind ANYONE 'dumping' on me - nothing makes me happier than to comfort, talk through crap, give encouragement. You are so loved and I really, really hope all this internet/book shipping mess finds a resolution soon!
posted on: August 04

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melissa says:
Oh my I think we can all relate. You have to release it before you can move forward...and that release well it ain't always pretty. But it must be done. I'm so happy you see the light today! Love you..xoxo
posted on: August 04

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heather says:
oh, thank you. Not feeling very wordy these days, but thank you. Am counting the days and hours til NC in October. You have no idea.
posted on: August 04

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bellac says:
i see the sunflower, i see it!! you know, these emotions come up to the surface - and all a tantrum really does is stomp them back down. i'm so glad you had a chance to release. because we all need (really need) a little release every once in a while. ~ and? i was totally gonna call you yesterday to say hello and that you should be receiving registration related mail from moi :) damn. hope you and christine have fun, fun, fun. xo
posted on: August 04

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Carolyn says:
I get chills. And teary eyed. Because I was there, 2 days ago, falling apart, my inner 3-year-old erupting. Felt alone in that, and all wrong for being there. Your post reminds me, though, . . . the value of connections. I'm at a loss for words, but love your bouquet. Thanks.
posted on: August 04

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stefanie renee says:
thank you E for sharing this real moment with us, it makes me feel less crazy and well, i love that we ALL go through this shit and live to tell about it.xoxo
posted on: August 04

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Tanya says:
Thank you for sharing your world, I feel so normal now and not alone. You amaze me with your authenticity and I feel blessed to know you.
posted on: August 05

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lizardek says:
Nothing but a FREAKING HUGE hug for you.
posted on: August 05

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Swirly says:
I am sorry you hit such a hard wall...and that you were in pain...but I am happy you received the support you needed. xoxo
posted on: August 07

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Thea says:
As I stood out in the drizzling rain making circles in the puddles while we talked about the deep fears, it brought such clear clarity to me as well. So deeply grateful for our friendship...love you.
posted on: August 08

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sherry says:
*heavy sigh* Feeling a tug that pulls me down and I can't shake it. Reading this, with you whom I admire so much because YOU are so strong, revealing a fragility that gives me strength. I will take your advice because I need it so very much today.
posted on: August 09

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