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December 09, 2009 8:41 PM- I might have to delete this one


photo taken by Denise 17 September 2009

So we all know by now if I am going to post, it's likely to be in the morning and yet, we are equally well aware of my penchant for being utterly unpredictable and so, is it expected that I am suddenly posting at 8:38 pm when the Top Chef finale is about to begin in 22 minutes?


photo taken by Denise

God, I love a philosophical puzzle wrapped in an enigma and smothered in a chiffonade of weak logic. My own version of the turducken, I suppose.

Another definitive quality we've all come to depend on? I almost never post photos of myself.


photo taken by Denise

Well hells bells, Loretty*-- what next? Eating at McDonalds? Shopping at Costco? It's hard to say, friends-- change can happen. And you know what? I think middle aged people find that concept really tough, or at least some do.

My current take on middle age is that it's exactly like adolescence (without the vomiting in your parents' bushes, obvs)-- but it's never really explained is it? All I know is that there are better than five couples in our lives (both family and friends) who are currently in the process of getting divorced. It's just like that Four Weddings and a Funeral phase when everyone you knew was getting married and it seemed every other weekend you were forced to participate in one of the great public humiliations: the rehearsal dinner toast (or, maybe that's just me reeling with mortification at public speaking).

But I digress.

Wait--am I digressing? Aren't I talking about change? I am-- and so I have. In my role with SAW, I have to get up on stage quite a bit, it turns out. At first, I whined and complained to anyone who would listen. Lucky for me, I have friends who put up with very little shit and pretty much said, "hey chickie, you created this role which calls for speaking in public so step up and shut up, m'kay?" (naturally that's just me paraphasing what must've been a gentle, kind and supportive nudge-- er, no-- I lie, that's pretty much verbatim).


photo taken by Denise

Let's recap then, shall we? cause I have exactly 10 minutes left here:

1. I used to be chronically depressed, now I have Pollyanna reaching for the duct tape to muzzle me.
2. I used to hate my job and believe it wasn't possible to love what you did all day. Now, my professional life is of my own wacked-out creation and I love every unpredictable bit of it.
3. Lived behind the town liquor store one street over from the highway. Today: Soliden.
4. Photos of myself triggered my self-loathing. Since my photo shoots with Denise Andrade and Thea Coughlin-- I can see myself just as I am, no better, no worse-- no drama. Sweet.

5. Frick, five minutes left-- we'll stop there.

My point is? It's all about change-- and this bit is key-- accepting that you have changed. For some reason, despite wanting to find our best self, we identify so much with what causes us pain that when it comes time to really let it go-- it's a bit of a shock. If I'm not an unbalanced, emotional wreck--who am I? If I'm not an unfulfilled, middle management drone--who am I? and so on . .

While surfing recently I came upon this post at All & Sundry and it resonated with me so deeply:

Sometimes itís like I believe that all of the changes Iíve made over the last several years are nothing but a whisper-thin veneer covering the real me. The real me never takes on challenges, never steps outside her comfort zone. Sheís weak. Sheís an addict. Sheís a loser. She ruins everything around her.
Why do I still think this way? Iíve worked so hard, Iíve come so far. I want to get rid of this secret, sabotaging conviction that nothing inside of me has changed. Because it has. I have to believe that it has. Itís time to believe that it has.

And the biggest lesson for me in all of this is that you cannot do it without a supportive, creative community rooting in your corner-- at least I can't imagine it otherwise.

There are no few times when I am asked why I blog, what's in it, why I do it and as much as I wish I could say it's all about bringing peace to Afghanistan, or healing babies' cleft palates, or feeding the homeless-- the truth is it's all about me. There's someone out there, reading this thing who leaves me a comment, who sends me an email, who sees me-- sees me trying to do better, trying to make sense of it all, trying to give up ever making sense of it all and says, "hey chickie, you're doing fine. It's not that complicated-- lemmee buy you a beer and we'll have some laughs."

And there you have it. I blog for all the free beer (and the laughs).


photo taken by Denise

Bisous, E

*P.S. if you can name the film that line comes from I will buy you a beer.

P.P.S. if you ever have the opportunity to have a photo shoot with Denise Andrade don't pass it by-- she is a transformer, an alchemist, a goddess from the mist-- she will reveal you. And? she's a total hottie.

P.P.P.S are we DONE with the blue nail polish? Please god say we are done with the blue nail polish, woman . .



got 2 cents?



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Bridgemor says:
Welcome back Elizabeth. I still had your site bookmarked and on a whim clicked on it the other day to find you blogging again. Speaking of change I have followed your blog for a while (hope that doesn't sound too creepy) and you certainly have changed, like a hungry caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. There's no better way to move through change than with a cheering section to provide you with a sense of purpose, when you loose site of it, and encouragement. BTW, congratulations with the birth of SQUAM.
posted on: December 09

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lizardek says:
How do I love thee? Let me count (just a couple) of the ways: 1) you bring out the best in me, you make me want to be a better, more creative, less lazy person. 2) you are so DARN ADORABLE, blue nail polish & all. 3) you make me stop and think, and stop and think some more. Don't you dare delete! What a wonderful, wonderful post! Smooch from someone in your corner.
posted on: December 09

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Daffodilly says:
Wow you look like a model! New career here we come! beautiful photo's.
posted on: December 10

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Megsie says:
Did you write this just for me? This is exactly why I took the plunge right smack in the deep end in this blogging thing. Because of how YOU got HAPPY. Your transformation is so beautiful. Just like these photos of you. Your spirit comes shining through. Now, getting teary eyed first thing in the morning...I better eat breakfast. xoxo
posted on: December 10

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Tracey says:
Oh, E, you make me so proud, time and time again. And you're right. People often let their frailties and failures define them. I'm sure I used to. It's much like when we hear 2,400 praises and 2 negative comments, the hurtful words are the ones that speak the loudest. Why do we welcome pain quicker than joy? It takes work to wash that crap out; it's heavy and sticky whereas the goods pass on through, unless I suppose, we work to keep the positives close to our heart/mind/soul...hmm. Anyway, YOU have changed my life for the better; this I know for sure!
posted on: December 10

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Jazz says:
I am speechless. Beautiful you. Beautiful post.
posted on: December 10

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Lauren says:
I think you somehow got into my head and managed to post exactly what I needed to read, right now, this morning, with the dog outside guarding the deck and blankets all around me. Also: you are gorgeous. Seriously.
posted on: December 10

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Michelle Shopped says:
i've often thought that middle age is much like adolescence -- another tween time in our lives -- and no! not done with the blue nail polish -- i love it (it looks a heck of a lot better than the purple i used to wear)!
posted on: December 10

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bella says:
Do Not Delete. Please. Do you know how many years we (I) didn't get to see your pretty face on this blog? OK, maybe once or twice. All of these changes are so, so, so evident in your writing and your living ~ and what a freaking delight it is to see you unfold and embrace it all. ~I might send you a new nail color for Christmas. ~And? Top Chef? Thoughts? don't want to spoil: All season, I thought that it would be a tough race between the 2nd & 3rd place dudes. Would have been happy if either one of the took it home. I think they picked wrong this season. JMO
posted on: December 10

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crissy says:
i want the blue nailpolish! ^_^
posted on: December 10

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Ashwini says:
I want to be you.
posted on: December 10

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Jazz says:
Oh and... Coal Miner's Daughter??
posted on: December 10

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Jen says:
First, "Hey chickie, you're doing fine," better than fine! Second, AMEN to "we identify so much with what causes us pain that when it comes time to really let it go-- it's a bit of a shock. If I'm not an unbalanced, emotional wreck--who am I?" Also loved the part about middle age vs adolescence w/o the puking in the bushes. All so true. And it was typed out in 20 mins or less . . . efficient & beautiful!
posted on: December 10

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judy wise says:
Beautiful, honest, brave and much loved. You can't fool me. You are just a teenager. xo
posted on: December 10

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michelle says:
first. i love you second, i love the blue nail polish - though i just went goth uber-dark blue on my toes :) most importantly - i love you (did i say that already?) and lastly...middle age, bring it on. 40 is just months away and i'm getting pretty stoked about it. from what i hear from all the amazing women around me (you) that have transitioned into this phase, this decade is going to kick ass. we are not our suffering...we are not broken. we are bigger than all of that...xo
posted on: December 10

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Tanya Dvorak says:
Like a sponge I soak up all your beautiful/crazy/serious/hysterical words. My life changed after SAW June 09, your event made me wake up and face my darkest fears and insecurities and for the first time I knew I was not alone. I recognized that others had similar baggage that they courageously shared with others. They actually wrote about the pain, sorrow, and finally their triumph over it all in their blogs/books. Because you and others like Jen Gray and Swirly I have changed and I am me again, the girl I always knew existed but had been buried for so long. Thank you, I believe that my story has changed and YOU have showed me how to make all this happen.
posted on: December 10

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T says:
Oh, sorry, wrong number. I was looking for my wife's blog, somehow ended up on this supermodel site...
posted on: December 10

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alexis says:
great to see your beautiful face!!! and also awesome entry on life written in 22 mins!
posted on: December 10

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Sam says:
I love all of these amazing lovely photos - especially the one of you with the puppies. You are oh so beautiful and I can't get enough of you. And please, please, don't delete this one - I'm about to send the link to a friend. Your insight into changing during middle age is absolutely spot on. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that you've created this happy work life for yourself and the gorgeous homestead of Soliden. All the goodness you've given out for years is coming back around right at YOU, baby!
posted on: December 10

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jin says:
I loved this so much. Thank you, beautiful beauty. xxx (Still giggling at husband's comment!)
posted on: December 10

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Christine C. says:
Who says you can't puke in bushes during your middle age years...only difference, their your bushes and you have to clean it up. Side note: you are super sexy and such a magnificent and natural writer. and no, we are merely beginning with the blue nail polish, as well as the wrist warmers. we will beat that horse until it is good and dead.
posted on: December 10

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pixie says:
i see you, beautiful.
posted on: December 10

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Amber says:
"...we identify so much with what causes us pain that when it comes time to really let it go-- it's a bit of a shock." THAT was my zing moment of your post! Beautiful pictures, and beautiful you. I don't believe blue nail polish should ever be done if one has the moxy to pull it off.
posted on: December 11

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Liz says:
I absolutely hate puking. so the bushes have never been an option for me, BUT don't delete this post (please and thank you) and blue nail polish rocks (and is never ever done), oh and your insight into life and transition and where we were vs where we are: Top Shelf Spot On Real Stuff
posted on: December 11

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lizardek says:
T, you're a lucky guy! :)
posted on: December 11

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Lizardmom says:
Recognizing the beauty within and without - it does come with age and I know the best is yet to come for you. It's all in the eyes- beautiful. T said it perfectly! BELIEVE!
posted on: December 11

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Milly says:
Hey, I like the blue nail polish :o) Also, do you think I could get Denise to come out and do a photo shoot of me? I have a significant birthday coming up soon. Love the photos she took of you!
posted on: December 11

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Cupcake says:
Coal Miner's Daughter, of course! Love that movie. Anyway, I'm glad you don't open your big gob to go on and on about morals, saving the world, and all of that. Yours is the blog I go to for some peace and and calm. Yes, it's true! It's MY therapy...
posted on: December 11

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DiaryofWhy says:
Beautiful, gorgeous pictures! I love love love them! Thanks for sharing.
posted on: December 12

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Swirly says:
I'll take you out for a free beer whenever you want. You inspire me in every way.
posted on: December 13

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jeanine says:
i never tire of the blue nail polish, baby. it's your signature mark, along with your radiant smile and sparkling personality. my god woman, you are stunning!
posted on: December 15

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carols says:
saw a photo of you on another blog with your blue nailpolish and cool mantra's a few weeks ago. only today discovered you. going through a rough patch myself at the moment.. 58 .. job gettin' tooo stressful ... collagues are soo unkind .. retirement sounds good .. BUT .. how on earth can we afford it .. and enjoy as we do now .. answer .. can't... but you have given me loads to think about ... in other words .. stop stressing .. get on with life and gettin' on top of it all ... make the most of what we have and enjoy the fabulous future we can build (i think). and then i can wear your great blue nail polish ....
posted on: December 31

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