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November 14, 2008 2:05 PM- on demons and blithe spirits

Tuesday night I met my husband for a dinner date. I was heading north and he was heading south alors we decided to, er, intersect, so to speak. Sound nice, doesn't it? Dinner out with the one you love? Soft candlelight, red wine, attentive waiter . .

*brakes squeal* . .

*sound of vehicle slamming into brick wall at about 120 mph*.

Yeah, not so much.

Well, let me clarify that-- eventually, it turned into an important evening of connection, but first we had to wade through all that crappy communication people have to go through it they want to enjoy the emotional intimacy marriage is supposed to provide.

For the record, I am a lousy communicator. And? Not so much with the uh, emotional intimacy thing-y. (In fact, put me down for "sucky"). How do I know this? Hmm, when your love bunny of 19 years shrugs off his coat and takes a swig of his drink before saying, "so, you've been wildy bummed out for the past ten days."

To which you reply, with genuine surprise and a firm shake of your head no, "No, what makes you say that?"

And he says, "I read it at bluepoppy."

Yes-- for me? A clear indication.

So we had to get into some gnarly stuff and dredge up all kinds of swampy goop in order for me to finally tell him what's been going on with me. Seems I tend to internalize my struggles as I feel they are "too boring" and "too stupid" to discuss. Hmmmm, veddy interesting-- now, let's talk about ze mutter . . .

We definitely broke through to new ground and it was actually a very valuable discussion as we realized we had slid into some ruts that highly independent people can fall into, namely-- going it alone. And, for those of you who have gone through similar processes-- you know all the good, warm, connectedness that awaited us on the other side of this long-ass conversation.

Yay for Team Homestead!

A lot of what has been a deep and profound struggle for me centers around SAW. Insecurity mostly, but also a fair shake of anxiety and panic with a sprinkling of fear over the top. For some reason, this whole project has brought some of my worst voices up to the surface. The absolute best way for me to describe this is to say, GAH, why can't I ever leave well enough alone?! Why must I always move out of a comfort zone into new challenges?! Or, as was so perfectly, beautifully summed up by Alicia in a recent post about the year she wrote/created her book:

Writing a book makes you feel vulnerable in about a million different ways! Will people like it? Will they hate it? Will I make mistakes? Will I wish I could've done something different? You wonder why you couldn't have just been one of those people who was content to read.

Exactly.

Precisely.

Anyway, in an effort to anchor myself in the positive and face down the destructive harpies in my head, on Wednesday morning I sat down with a very magical box.

You see, on the last day of SAW, the group presented me with a beautiful box (the inside dedication is pictured above) filled to the brim with personal notes of thanks from everyone who attended.

At the time, I was so high on love and spirit and joy that I could hardly process what had just been put into my hands. How could I possibly receive any more caring and sweetness than had already been showered upon me by being in the presence of so many vibrant, fabulous, shimmering, kindred spirits? So I brought it home with love and gratitude and set it up on a shelf in my studio where I have a quasi-altar kind of thing going on.

On Wednesday-- I reached for this box.

I lit a candle, put on my hardcore spirit music and then, I took out each card, one by one, read the notes, savored the creative designs and remembered the smiling face of each person. I remembered everything. The way the lake sparkled, people pouring into the dining hall, faces glowing, chattering passionately, the crazy cool shoes, the fabulous knit scarves, the hugging-- my GOD the hugging!, the bonfire, Jonatha's music, the smiles so deep so broad they seemed impossible-- no one could smile so fully, the tears (why are we crying? why do we cry?), the whole group on that sunny morning gathering off the deck of longhouse for a full group picture and we're all shouting and smiling at Thea who has to put her camera down for a moment because she has started to cry-- I remember everything.

And so I begin stringing each card along a pale pink ribbon (pink = heart chakra, plus it happens to be my favorite color) and then I hang the whole thing up in the relationship gua of my studio.

Of course, before you imagine life is that simple there are two things to note. One, this is a woman who also has a sign that reads "Private Road" in her relationship gua. Ahem, not really what the doctor ordered, unless you are one of those moody-need-my-space types we all know and tolerate.

Second, I still wasn't 100% free of the demons so as I drove south to class on Thursday morning I put a telephone call in to an extraordinary friend who gets me-- and really, is there anything more blessed than someone who knows exactly where the shoe pinches on the big toe and offers you a great bucket of ice to sink your aching feet in? It was THAT phone call-- a rather long -assed phone call to be sure, that finally kicked the last of the snarling creatures out the door. SLAM.

The weight lifted and I felt like myself again--- which is to say, mildly neurotic as opposed to full-scale tornado in my head.

I taught a fabulous 3-hour class that had us reading Mary Oliver poems and walking outside to stand under dripping wet trees and observing the shiny wet leaves clogging the sidewalks. We all left exhilirated.

By the time I got home it was pitch black-- but there were three lords a' leaping with delight at my return. Lights on, woodstove lit, dinner going-- friends arriving-- cookies baking-- and it was just the best feeling to be able to be present and feel good again. Not heavy. Not distracted.

Just simple, light and content.

________________________________

Now for a response to our last post, Daisy has a few things she would like to clear up.

DAISY: On Monday, while out walking, I incited Oliver to run off with me while Henry (on a leash) howled for me to come back. It was a beautiful day-- wet, cold, just perfect for chasing the deer. And boy howdy-- could we smell some deer. I can see now that we may have wandered a bit too far-- but this is not my fault. This is entirely the fault of my owner since she has not raised me properly. You see, I am a perfect puppy. I have simply been corrupted by the influence of the infamous Butterscotch Boys which, to reiterate, is all because our owner sucks. Having said that, she does do her best and it is nice to snuggle with her, but it should be a matter of record that all blame for our blithe behavior lies squarely at her feet. To recap: me = very (VERY!) good / her = very (VERY!) bad

got 2 cents?



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hele says:
Welcome back! "one of those people who was content to read." Indeed - perfectly said. I also had one of those weeks. Luckily when I woke up yesterday morning the spirit of the when I am not crying I am ready to rip your head off as soon as my anxiety attack passes departed to warp someone else's sense of reality. What a blessed relief.
posted on: November 14

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Jeanine says:
All I could think of as I was reading this post was "you are beautiful", right down to those dark nooks and crannies. xo
posted on: November 14

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donna says:
One of the loveliest and most beautiful(inside and out) women I have ever met wrote this? i wish I could give you one of your very own specialest hugs right now.
posted on: November 14

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Claire says:
oh, I cried and then I laughed at the end - okay I've drunk about 6 glasses of Bardolino to get to that point; but then I'm one of those Private Road people too...love your pale pink ribbon of notes, what a gift and what a recipient x
posted on: November 14

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Molly says:
Oh, I tell you this: I hear you. The funk, the celebration of great students, all of that. I love that you can have that physical manifestation of those sweet tags to remind you every day of just how good you are. xo
posted on: November 14

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kristen says:
those cards are the most beautiful thing i've seen in awhile, strung above your doorway on pink ribbon. i'm only sorry mine never made it in the box. as we've recently been in a rough patch, with a very raw and real conversation. now on the other side, it was worth it. i feel as though i've been worn out ever since. and have been introspective and tender with myself. sigh.
posted on: November 14

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leah says:
ah, look at all your lovely notes my dear. just beaming with love! (((hugs and love)))
posted on: November 14

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Jess says:
This is a beautiful post, no doubt in my mind and despite how messy it may seem. I really like this book called Messy Spirituality. The premiss is that most people think spirituality makes you clean cut and tight-laced but the opposite is what is really required. Spirituality (and self-discovery within that) are messy and need to be. You deserve every card in that box. I know I meant every word I wrote on mine and wished I could have found the words to express more of my deep appreciation. Feel loved. Feel blessed. Because you are a blessing to us all!
posted on: November 14

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lizardek says:
First of all, let me just say that I thought you meant one of you had been in a car accident and my heart just about stopped, since I figured it wasn't you, since you were writing, you know? So...thanks for the adrenaline hit. Second, you may think that you're not so much for the emotional intimacy but I've never seen a couple that radiates love and care and thoughtfulness together as you and T. Third, what lovely affirmation of love and friendship you inspire. Don't doubt yourself so much. There's a reason so many people adore you. You're adorable.
posted on: November 15

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Tracey says:
I dig what you've done with the love tags and the beautiful ceremony adding them to that special place, so glorious. I'm so very glad you've found your way out of the funk- swamp, doll. I know it's hard to rely on others for direction and solace when you prefer to shoulder it all yourself and spare them the burden, especially when you don't know what the hella-fire is wrong; I have that trouble too sometimes, alot of times. Should a similar episode recur, though, I'm sure T and any one of your friends, me included, would be honored to swiftly pull you out of the grips of The Creature from the Mind-tornando Lagoon. XO!
posted on: November 15

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judy wise says:
Everything is going as it should be going. The questions, the doubts, the ups and downs. Me too. Everybody too. But here's the deal; you are one of the good guys. Your influence ripples out and heals and brings joy. Your words make us laugh, cry and react with pleasure. You are so powerful, even on your worst days. Thank you for another brilliant post; I really look forward to them. xo
posted on: November 15

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Steph says:
"Just simple, light and content." I like this. And those tags look gorgeous in your studio. Thank you for your words and images bp. xo
posted on: November 15

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linda e says:
Elizabeth, you are just relentlessly wonderful...thank you...linda
posted on: November 15

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Heather says:
Now I'm crying again just thinking of it and seeing my card again (although Daisy did provide some needed comic relief at the end!). You are an inspiration, even when you've got a tornado in your mind. Merci Mon Amie, Merci.
posted on: November 15

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beth says:
elizabeth, you had me at "hello".....what an amazing post....I was instantly hooked and then depressed....WHY ???....becasue my tag never made it into that box and now that I see how important those tags are to you....well, I'm angry at myself for not getting my tag finished and dropped off....{banging head against the wall actually} so to you I send a HUGE hug filled with respect for all that you do, all that you have done and everything that you are doing for so many of us....xoxoxo
posted on: November 15

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gretchen says:
simple... light... and content... yes... yes... yes...! love and hugs to you, gretchen
posted on: November 16

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nichole says:
how beautiful. like tibetan prayer flags :)
posted on: November 17

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Swirly says:
{teary} I so get it, and I know you know this, and I hope you always know I am RIGHT HERE for you.
posted on: November 17

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MichelleB says:
Your dinner date sounds a like like the one me and my hubby shared for our 10th anniversary. It was romantic and sweet, he bought me a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings from www.idonowidont.com and we had a long talk. About all the good and the bad but its important to communicate.
posted on: November 17

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Reya Mellicker says:
Your husband sounds like a wonderful person - maybe almost as wonderful as you. Congrats on SAW and thank you for being out there, sharing your life with the rest of us. Bravo!
posted on: November 17

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Cat says:
I love the idea of your relationship gua in your studio.
posted on: November 18

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liz elayne says:
your words just fill me up with their brave truth and beauty. thank you thank you thank you for sharing these pieces of you. much love...
posted on: November 19

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jenica says:
(((hugs))) i hear you. every word. husbands. insecurity. afraid of greatness. yes. you are great.
posted on: November 25

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Suzanne in NMex says:
Your Daisy post is hilarious! You are such a great communicator! We all go through struggles within ourselves. You will be fine. Most importantly, you remain conscious of what the problems are and you can communicate those to yourself & T. Remain optimistic.. Even though it is more difficult in Winter... with the challenge of less light which affects most of us that have lived in northern environs.
posted on: February 17

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