photo taken November 2007

Not sure why I wanted to put up a photo of a rain-speckled screen when the sun is honestly doing her best to skirt the clouds this morning, but there you have it-- just when you least expect it who shows up but Perverse Girl.

God, I've missed her.

Who else can switch my well-ordered life into a sudden, inexplicable jumble of emotional short wires but Perverse Girl? It's like she steps into an elevator and decides to press all the buttons at once, including open doors and close doors. It's like Eloise has locked Madeline in the basement and is running through the hotel lobby screaming for a lollipop.

It's like--- well, it's like I have nothing to say and everything to say all at once. Ever had that feeling?

I know I promised to take you along on my journey here-- my scintillating adventure in self-discovery, but I got slightly derailed. See, I was going to start off by focusing on Anne Frank. I was going to focus on how it's not uncommon to think first and foremost of abject suffering when she comes to mind and yet, I was going to focus on her vivacious spirit. And then, last night, I picked up a biography and got sucked into the horror. I think I've mentioned this to you before, how I have had an obsession* with WWII since childhood and it has been a core reality for me and the filter through which I often experience my life.

And yet I have learned that this does not grow me in any way at all. This is a pointless expenditure of energy that keeps me from moving forward in this life.

And yet, I struggle to allow myself happiness and pleasure and full-out decadence in the knowledge of such suffering.

Normally, November is not the month for my existential disintegration. I'm pretty much a Springtime nihilist, but for the last few weeks, the darkness has been stirred up. At first I wrote it off to fatigue-- I'm a big believer that things always feel worse when you are tired and the demons can easily roost on your slumped shoulders and peck into the softness of your ears. Now, I'm not so sure. What comes first, fatigue or melancholy?

And why the hell do they have to show up at all?

In this moment I am sorely tempted to delete this post because it neither uplifts nor provides any original insight. It shows, no doubt, that struggle is all of our own making because you and I both know that I have nothing to feel melancholy about.

I have nothing to struggle about.

My life is cake.

And this, my friends, is the booby prize.

There is no question that the quality of my days, the color of my life is a zillion times more sweet and brilliant than it was when I was a teenager and 20-something. I have been asked many times to write up the story of how I was able to break free from a situation that was so bleak and create something of such beauty. And, as much as I would share anything, anytime if it helped as much as one person, I have never sat down to write my story because of days like this one.

I don't have any answers. If I know one thing for certain it's that whatever worked for me, will likely not work for you. That each of us has to find our own way in our own way and preachy know-it alls should be shot at dawn. Most especially, preachy know-it-alls who have a tough time keeping the balance on their own little raft.

But what I can tell you, is that I am still moving forward. I will cut myself a whole lotta slack on days like today and the past ten or so-- I'll let myself wallow in whatever the hell cosmic phelgm that engulfs me and then, I'll start scrubbing.

One thing that I realized as I have reflected on the new directions this blog is going to travel is that it's okay to change. Hell, how could I possibly think I was "there"?!? That this 'bluepoppy creature' that you have been hanging with is a finite thing-- that somehow the person I was when I began this blog years ago would be the same as today? That's nutty. And yet, somehow the idea of evolving, shedding old habits and old beliefs, and stepping onto new ground in public was an anathema.

So, where am I headed?

~ Release the negative beliefs I have about money and abundance so that I can grow this darling enterprise into a dynamic, spirited community that helps people grow their lives through personal expression and creativity.

~ Hand-off the administration and management of said thriving enterprise so that I can focus on what my soul craves most: writing, making art & travel.

That is what is going on with me. Those are my big goals. If two or three years from now, I can come back to this post -- especially if I am reading it from my laptop while sitting at a cafe in Paris-- to find it has come into being, well then. So mote it be, baby.

Now, for those of you caring souls who made it all the way down this long-assed post hoping for SOME kind of treat at the end-- I am sending you to a wonderful article but mostly to the video you will find at the article that I tried like hell on Saturday to post a link to -- but they wouldn't let me. So here you go-- the goddess, Maya Lin--- perhaps, like me, you will howl when she says, ever so calmly, "this is just a little study I did" . . . .

WAVE FIELD

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*My temptation is to write "unhealthy obsession" but jesus, what kind of obsession is healthy? Isn't that really the point?

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