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September 22, 2008 6:41 PM- scraping the burnt toast
As I type, the sun is going over the mountain and the lakes are glossy pink disks. Daisy barks steadily from the garage (to which she has been banished) as, minutes ago, she and Ollie were collected from ACROSS THE ROAD thanks to a neighbor's call. T has come home and taken Henry for a stroll down the lane while I peel sweet potatoes, carrots and onions and put them in to roast along with some pork chops.
The dogs got no walk today and the two that ran off had been outside for quite a while with no check-in from me. I should know better since bear hunters were on the road early this morning and a young male deer greeted me in the driveway this afternoon.
It's no time to be giving the mutts free rein (as if it ever is . . .), but I am tired.
Today, I've really begun to crash to earth after what seems like a 10-month journey. I don't think I ever really stopped and thought about how much it took to do it because right now, the thought of ever doing it again is met with a violent NO FREAKING WAY. And yet, I know that is just the exhaustion talking. I need to give over to feeling spent, fragile, cranky and useless.
But it's not a great feeling, you know? It kind of sucks and it sucks to be around me. I can't seem to really fall asleep and then I'm too tired to get anything done-- so I drift in this stupid cloud of irritation because I just can't get into a groove of either doing nothing or being productive.
I'm in some kind of annoying in-between world where all I want is someone to come clean my house, organize my life, give me a full body massage and put me to bed, preferably with a warm glass of milk.
Hmm, sounds like I want my mommy, doesn't it?
Ha. Don't we all.
Anyway-- it helps me to spill it out. My own version of the ancient art of blood letting-- I scribble out the bile that's swilling around and then it's out of my system. I could do this in private and not expose you to such dregs, but hell-- what fun would that be?
got 2 cents?
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Stephanie says:
I'm often this way after a big project - life seems pointless & boring after the exciting event. But a big part of sharing how you're feeling is that it gets it clear and out of your head so that there's room for some creativity and new things to grow. Enjoy the down time.
posted on: September 22
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Liz says:
oh baby, yeah... after the proverbial "10" month gestation, and then that big push you had to push it out into the world, I do believe you might be experiencing a little post-partum icky-ness... I think it's just a wait it out kinda deal, which totally sucks... Calm tea from Tazo, warm, after dinner, it smells like roses, and makes me smile no matter what # on the Crabbi-Meter my mood has risen to on any given day...
posted on: September 22
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melissa says:
i think you deserve a bit of down time and crabbiness and all that crap. you pulled off the most amazing event and brought together an unbelievable group of people. after all that love and joy and happiness, you need a little crabbiness to balance it out :) we love you know matter what your mood!
posted on: September 22
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bella says:
t'would be no fun at all!! cuz that would mean no posts ~ and my BP RSS would be empty. so spill it all chickie. xo
posted on: September 22
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Tracey says:
Oh, darling E. You sounded so chipper in your emails yesterday. I had no idea. Please take good care of you and fret not about trifling things like laundry or dirty dishes or mopping. The day will come when you have the energy for that. Your life will naturally fall into its proper place too. Give yourself a break from the usual expectations. First things first, prop your feet up and close your eyes and breathe in the love all around you. BIG hugs!
posted on: September 22
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Heather says:
Let it out girl! If I were there I'd gladly bring you warm milk and tuck you in bed. So instead I send my internet wishes and hope they cheer you up, just as your comments on my blog did for me.
posted on: September 22
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susangreene says:
Spill and vent it is so healthy. You deserve a vacation to the islands or maybe Bali. I wish I lived close so I could at the very least bring you dinner as a thank you for all you have done.
Hugs,
Susan
posted on: September 22
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lizardek says:
You definitely sound like you could use a massage! Post-project let-down is no joke. Go pamper yourself, sweetie!
posted on: September 23
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bp says:
mmmmm, Bali . . ...
posted on: September 23
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Amber says:
With all of this marathon training I have done, I read somewhere that it is proven that there is a huge mental letdown in the weeks after the official race. SAW was your marathon, I say you're aloud to be spent :)
posted on: September 23
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DiaryofWhy says:
Oh, do I know what you mean. I just arrived in France a few hours ago, I'm in a sleep deprived haze, and the prospect of doing the necessary things to start creating a life here is overwhelming. A massage, a glass of milk and bed sound sooo good right now; hopefully you can find someone to accomodate you over there. I'll have to settle for a kindly stranger from the internet's futon over here. (I think I would be pressing my luck if I requested a massage, too).
Sweet dreams, BP.
posted on: September 23
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Swirly says:
Oh my love! I wish I could come over to your house and be your trusty assistant. I looooove organizing!! I know it is a couple of months away, but in December you can come here and be waited on hand and foot. Be gentle with yourself my dear...ease back into life in your own time.
posted on: September 23
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Thea says:
I am sending you big bear hugs across the lines and kisses traveling on the crisp fall wind.
Darling you did an amazing mind blowing thing putting on SAW. I can't believe so much exists in a person. It truly was a feat meant for a big team, and you did it!
I know you constantly give thanks for the support and help you received, but YOU made it all happen.
Your delightful, empowering, wise, soulful, gorgeous being.
You busted your arse girl.
You are entitled and should experience all the feelings you mention.
Your reflections and wisdom about letting it flow-getting it out and giving yourself permission to feel what is happening without judgement sounds like the perfect approach.
I will be heading your way soon, to treat you to a foot massage, a photo session that will honor and capture all your goddess yumminess and a delish bottle of wine and some dance music.
let us give to you now dear one. You deserve it.
XOXOXO
love and snuggles
Thea
posted on: September 23
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hele says:
When I am really grumpy F sometimes puts his life on the line and tickles me better.
Mmmm, I wonder what the risks would be?
posted on: September 23
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Jenna/The Word Cellar says:
Would it annoy you if I pointed out that even in your exhausted, self-proclaimed crabby state your writing is funny, spirited, and lovely? Here's wishing you several days of sweet, peaceful nothingness, followed by the kind of fun productiveness of whatever your heart desires.
posted on: September 23
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Jazz says:
Go with it BP, once your body decides it's time, you'll feel way better. You need the down time to recuperate.
posted on: September 23
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teahouseblossom says:
Sigh..beautiful post!
And I swear, the water in those photos looks so clear I bet you could drink it straight out of those streams...
posted on: September 23
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Naomi says:
Of course you're allowed some down time after your marathon effort.. but the other thing you might consider is some kind of gentle healing activity to bring back the balance. What about daydreaming? reading poetry? sketching your diary entry instead of writing it? Just suggestions .. they were all things that helped me recover after a cluster of deadlines (including organising our wedding) that hit me earlier in the year. Oh .. maybe you could just lie down in that water and let it flow right over you..? It's so beautiful, so clear.
posted on: September 23
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Steph says:
What a beautifully written post. I wish you a peaceful transition full of whatever your heart and soul desire, accompanied by many many hugs.
May you land softly "on a bed of pine needles that have been warmed by the sun." :)
posted on: September 24
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Lisa says:
Oh my dear friend! I knew you still weren't yourself! You did, however, do the first thing right by you....witnessing this storm. Now just sit back and let it pass. Inhale the wind. Let the rain hit your nose. Shout back at the thunder.
The sun is a step and half behind it. (I promise!)
posted on: September 25
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v says:
I love all your photos, but especially the first one. It is a rainbow of colors.
posted on: September 26
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violetismycolor says:
V is me...I hit the return before I got all my info in... sorry.
posted on: September 26
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tinker says:
Wishing you a slow and easy decompression...take your time for you, and avoid the bends (I'm just full of ridiculous metaphors tonight).
I'm gazing longingly into those beautiful pools of water in your photos - those look like the perfect place to let the stress melt away...
posted on: September 27
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alex s says:
I've read all the rave reviews. I've seen the beautiful photos. And I know that you are the most remarkable person I've ever met. You're my hero!
Although I've not undergone the same extreme journey that you've just undertaken, I need to tell you that I'm feeling the exact same way as you are right now. The same fragile, shaky feelings.... I suppose we are on the same wavelength... Though I suspect we often are. :-)
Rest and love to you,
A
posted on: September 27
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