Sometimes I find it hard to live with myself.

Other times, I think, hey, I'm all I've got--come on now, how about a little sugar?

When I drop, most unexpectedly, off the cliff-- it is with great relief that I discover the strong bungee cords (okay, maybe they are not bungee cords, but-- you know, some kind of mountain climbing ropes, come now, don't get me tangled on the details or we know I'll never get through this) have me safely wrapped in their care.

Sure I bounce about in the whipping wind there for a moment. Sure, there's an involuntary flooding of whatever those hormones are that create fear and panic (again, let's not worry about the details, like proper names, etc)-- but as I bounce back and forth against the cliff wall until it all settles down and I can begin climbing back up, I know it's going to be okay and oddly, I always find stuff down here that I've totally forgotten about-- and sometimes I even bring it back up with me when I return to the top.

Like today. Had I posted earlier to you today, I would never share what I'm about to share. No, at that time, I would have told you about this weekend and how Saturday was one my all-time happiest days ever. Seriously. Just in a deep joy place and god, did it feel good. I wish I could tell you that it was because Jon Stewart and Ira Glass stopped in for dinner and we had SUCH a gas hanging out-- or that we got a call from our dear uncle that we've never met who lives in the South of France and guess what?! He really wants s to come and stay with him, you know-- for as long as we like!

No, it was nothing glamorous or exciting.

We moved furniture.

Yep, that was pretty much it.

Last week I had gotten rid of a bunch of furniture that really needed to move on to its next happy home and that somehow shifted the energy fields and damn, if I wasn't still nursing my first cup of coffee on Saturday morning when T says to me, "hey, you wanna bring all the stuff from the tv room down to my office and make the tv room into a guest room?"

I know-- almost as good as opening the door and finding Jon Stewart and Ira Glass--

And we did-- this was serious, hefty moving-- doors off hinges, grunting, hauling-- but when it was all done-- we had two brand-new rooms and they feel amazing! It's like the house was telling us, dudes, you've got things all wrong here-- straighten it out. And we did, and lo, it is good.

So then I walked the dogs and the weather was heady and sublime-- I was just so deeply content. The day continued on in that manner, little funny surprises and twists and it was all just delightful-- to me. I KNOW.

(Thank god most readers of this site use it as a sleeping aid as they dozed off ages ago-- shhhh, I'll keep going, but we'll have to be quiet).

Sunday was equally wonderful with more activity, heavy on the feng'in and the shui'in.

It continued into this morning when I had a most unplanned, propitious meeting with someone who gave me a real shot in the arm with regard to SAW and so, you know all is fine and dandy and la dah la dee dah until I make a fateful error.

*cue Jaws soundtrack*

I called my mother.

*ducks* *winces*

I know-- I KNOW-- WTF?? What was I thinking??

Well, today is their 107th wedding anniversary (or is their 110th? I've lost track) and, more to the point, they are coming here for a visit (for the first time ever, I might add) this weekend and I hadn't heard from them in months and I thought, hey, you know-- check in, confirm plans---

AM IDIOT.

Imagine a fragile vase, perhaps made by a child, maybe a few hand-painted flowers adorn its little belly-- now imagine a wrecking ball descending from where it just demolished a towering New York City brick building into a pile of rubble and smashing across the room -- obliterating the vase and the table it was sitting on and taking out a few windows on its way.

That's really the best way to express how it feels.

And, if you are rolling your eyeballs at me in scorn and irritation--- I can appreciate that, I really can. But I needed to write this out-- I needed to get it out of my system. It helps to see how petty it all is.

I got off the phone and took the dogs down the road. It's warm and humid today so we stopped at every creek along the way. I walked fast and we walked for miles.

When we got home, I went downstairs to a 3-drawer metal file cabinet in the basement where all my old writing is and I dug through folders. I was looking for one specific thing (that I found) and then kept digging in and scanning through ancient journal entries and scribbles and it actually made me feel better. It is so heartening to read my voice from the past and see all I have come through and how I was able to form a life utterly unlike the one I was born to.

And then? I found a photo that made me laugh and laugh. Daisy and Henry came over and they laughed, too-- it was quite the party down there on the cool cement floor by the open metal file cabinet.

Ever had trouble reconciling bluepoppy --the whacked out homestead queen-- with the alleged corporate wank?

Well, your days of furrowed brows are over! (Sorry Henry, not for you).

Behold, the wank that was-- please hold all deer in headlight jokes--

I call it, "bp on crack."

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