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March 07, 2006 4:35 PM- questions for you
How am I feeling? Quite Christ-like, thanks for asking.
Yes. Am arisen.
(Gros bisous to you all for your kind wishes for a return of the vim and the vigor!)
We had a busy weekend, as predicted, and I have to ask what the HELL is going on with my social life? Every weekend this month is already booked. Something is very wrong with that?or very right, but surely it is most strange, non? You tell me?I?ve lost all perspective on my life. And there are those among you that I think see more of me than I see of myself. Truly. That, or I really like the person that you see and wish I could see her more often.
Because? It?s time to talk about the prezzies. (Since I last wrote to you I have received yet another box of abondanza in the mail!) So, this is extremely awkward for me, but I want your opinions/experience if you would be kind enough to share them with me.
What are your feelings about receiving?
Does receiving make you feel more awkward than giving or do you prefer to receive?
Who taught you how to receive graciously?
What's your recipe for graciously receiving gifts from other bloggers?
Here?s my issue. I was raised by a lovely (lovely!) woman with many an unresolved emotional issue to her name. This (in my opinion) is due to the fact that her mother lost her mother when she was just four years old. Hence, we have a rather severe break in our maternal line. My grandmother*, adored by her father, was reared by her aunt who hated her and thought she was worthless. As a result, my grandmother raised her children with adoration but also some mo-fo cruelty she acquired from that ?mothering? aunt.
My mom?s only goal in life was to be the perfect mother. *sigh* To do everything differently from how her mother did it. *sigh* As if molds are broken so easily.
But why this diversion? Hmmm, I think I was trying to give you some background on how my mother cannot receive love. CANNOT. Or gifts. She cannot receive because she doesn?t love herself/has low self-esteem/doesn?t believe she?s worthy?take your pick (I?m no analyst but I know the answer is in there somewhere).
So I grew up imitating her, ?no? NO. No thank you. No no, oh thank you but no. Push back. Whatever the invitation is, say no. And I watched first hand how to ?accept? gifts.
Which is to say, I didn?t learn how to accept gifts, compliments, invitations---
Now. I?m a full grown adult and none of this applies any longer as I have long since worked out my own issues and can actively say ?yes? and thank you and positively reverberate in a sparkling plasma field of gratitude that shimmers around me 24/7. Or so I thought.
The blog thing is where I need your help. You see, for me, gift giving is deeply personal. If I give you something, it will never be rote or with ulterior motive or because it is expected. I give from the heart with as much thoughtfulness as I can muster at the time. I am not looking for return on investment.
But at the same time, if I give to another blogger, I strongly prefer not to have that gift mentioned on the blog. And so I have followed this tact myself. But of late, I have been wondering if this is not wrong. Dead wrong. And I should be sharing the sweetness that is being shared with me.
I guess, at core, I would be broken-hearted if sharing it created misunderstandings, jealousies, inequalities or anything else that could possibly be a negative result of a gift.
Can you help me? Can you tell me what you think proper blog etiquette should be vis a vis prezzies? I need some help.
Now?I was going to give you a quick update on some amazing synchronicities that have been happening of late that have me writing a new play! Woot. The result of blogging the Artist?s Way? I believe it is to answer Etta?s questions in her last comment, but I?ll give you the details and let you decide . . .
Speaking of Etta, damn I still owe her a post on ?magic? events that have happened in my life-- and by putting this out there publicly, I will shame myself into fulfilling that promise. Perhaps I can combine them into one post. Hah. Now that would be a magic trick.
* Let it be said that my grandmother went on to become a registered nurse, raise three children during the depression while working, run one of Boston?s most respected teaching hospitals, be widowed at 53, make quilts, hook rugs, write poetry, garden, and write long letters to all her friends weekly, and travel in her later years all around the world--- which is to say, she was no slouch.
got 2 cents?
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Lil says:
In answer to your question oh Christlike one:
What are your feelings about receiving?
I love to receive and I have no problem doing it. Prezzies make my heart bound with glee.
Does receiving make you feel more awkward than giving or do you prefer to receive?
I'm comfortable with both, much as I like to get gifts, I love to find the perfect thing for someone. But then, I consider pretty much anything a gift; receiving a letter or postcard makes me jump with joy as much as something much more elaborate. It's the thought that counts in both giving and receiving.
Who taught you how to receive graciously?
My parents I suppose, Mr. Jazz who once told me when I said I didn't deserve something "then how stupid does that make me to have given it to you? I don't think I'm stupd."
What's your recipe for graciously receiving gifts from other bloggers?
Well, I've gotten beautiful snailmail from people on forums I visit, I either thank them publicly or privately, no set etiquette. I figure people are mature enough to understand that they can't always be on the receiving end. I don't worry overly about it.
Will your comments actually TAKE all this?
posted on: March 07
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Lil says:
PS: I think you're overanalyzing this. We're all adults. Everyone understands that some people are closer than others. It's a fact of life and it's quite ok. Now email me your address so I can send you a multitude of presents and worm my way into your affections. LOL
posted on: March 07
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bella says:
I would hope that most people give gifts for the same reasons you do. I know I do. That being the case, I do graciously accept gifts because I believe they come from the heart. I also love receiving something that has been given to me after much thought and reflection.. you know yourself how much thought goes into buying something for a special someone. Blogging about the gift? I don't see a problem with that. Sharing your happiness should bring joy to your friends and readers. If jealousy or negative vibes should arise, well friend, what can I say? Drama never fails to poke her wicked little nose into such situations, right? LOL. I say, if you feel comfortable mentioning your happiness and gratitude, go for it. Personally, I love reading posts about gift receiving.. like those funky flowers you posted pics of. They were lovely and I smiled through the whole post.
posted on: March 07
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ozma says:
I come from the line of: Great-grandmother in the sanitorium, grandmother in the mental hospital, mother tried to break the cycle. Did not work. Oh boy, did it not ever work.
Now I have a daughter. Maybe the cycle cannot be broken at this point but ya gotta try.
(I'm sorry but I'm such a lousy person to be asked about etiquette. I would trumpet any present from the sky--like ME ME ME! SOMEONE GAVE A PRESENT TO ME, ME, ME. But that can hardly be the right answer.
posted on: March 07
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river selkie says:
well. i don't even know how to explain my take on the whole gift-giving/receiving thing. i shall try to muddy through it, though. i am much better at giving than receiving. i like to give randomly, too. the only time i get uncomfortable with gift receiving is when someone i am really not that close to gives me something super nice, or when someone gives me a really extravagant gift that should be out of their price or effort range. otherwise, i just think about how i would feel if we switched places and then i go with that as a guide. and when i am not certain if i should accept the gift for whatever reason, i ask the giver if they are really sure they want me to have it and i sometimes state my concern, and if they answer they are sure then i have to take them at their word and accept the gift. overall, the best respect you can give a person is to trust their decision-making. if they want to give you a gift, that is their decision. [assuming there are pure motives and all that.] and sometimes the uncomfortability with gift receiving comes from the relationship level. for example, if someone you don't know very well gives you something great and expensive, then you intuitively think that that person must value the relationship more than you and there is some questioning and maybe guilt there. sorry, i'm tired and having trouble organizing my thoughts coherently. maybe i'll figure out how to say this better later. oh and i don't mention things on the blog very often, unless it is something i cannot not talk about. but generally, i feel a nice email or letter or phone call is sufficient as thanks. that's all i ever want.
posted on: March 08
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violetismycolor says:
I think that there is no right or wrong way. You should do what makes you comfortable. As long as you thank the gift-giver, the rest is up to you.
BP, you sound as though you have your act very together. And that's hard when you come from 'issues'. Must be why we love you so much!
posted on: March 08
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lizardek says:
I love both giving and receiving. I give for much the same reasons you do, and when I receive a gift, I assume that the giver gave for much the same reasons, as well. It was my mother who taught me both, how to give and how to receive. She's the best mother in the whole wide world, yea verily.
When I get a gift from a blogger, I often acknowledge it in a post, but not always, sometimes I send an email, and sometimes I even make a phone call. I love to say thank you, I don't think people hear it enough. :)
posted on: March 08
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sarai says:
you are worrying way too much about this. i had no idea such anxiety existed over receiving a gift.
i know i would be crushed if i did something very nice for someone and they didn't acknowledge it or refused the gift. my grandfather told me recently-now don't be too proud to let others do for you. don't deny them their joy-they want to-let them and say thank you.
as for the acknowledgement of the gift it doesn't have to be public or big. i come from the long southern tradition of the thank you note. if someone gives me something/does something for me i jot them a quick note to let them know how much i appreciate the gesture and how much i love them.
don't worry. just do what makes your heart happy.
posted on: March 08
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christina says:
Ahh--your mother and mine sound a tad similar. It has taken my mother four years of grieving and growing after my father died to finally, FINALLY accept a gift and not return it... Especially if said gift has something to do with her outward appearance (i.e. clothing)... I on the other hand have learned how happy it makes me to give and recieve gifts both. I love to give things--to be generous with everything that I have and I feel like this generates more positive giving karma in the world...but I like recieving too. I like the thought behind the gift. A straggly boquet of wildflowers makes me as happy as any daimond ever could--and I think that's where the joy comes for me. I also think that recieving has to do with feeling worthy of it. Recieving complements with grace--accepting the 'you're beautiful' without immediately pushing it away. As to publishing a thank you in a post--I think I agree with Liz, people don't say heartfelt thank yous enough--though an email, some private thankyou means as much (or maybe more) than a blog thank you. Trust your heart and be open. You deserve everything you recieve.
posted on: March 08
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Joy says:
I agree with the person who said that your feelings probably reflect how you feel about the relationship. It can feel like a gift from the heart or an imposition, depending.
I hadn't thought about my feelings related to giving and receiving gifts because I think some of that is hard-coded in the South, but giving and receiving love is much more tricky. And when gifts are a reflection of that love, well, then the whole thing gets tricky.
But how much of this is actually receiving the gift and how much is how to acknowledge it appropriately?
posted on: March 08
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Sheryl says:
When you thank the giver ask if they would mind if you posted about their lovely gift on your blog, AND/OR would they mind if you linked to them as the giver.
I personally feel weird when people thank me publicly on their blog, but love to have them write about the gift. Everyone's different, and preferences can be made known through the wonderful invention of email.
posted on: March 08
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la vie en rose says:
it isn't easy for me to receive either. i've tried to become better about it but it's hard. becoming a mother helped to some degree because motherhood can lead to times when you HAVE to accpet or kill yourself trying to do it alone (and i mean the finances!) blogging has surprised me as well. at christmas i posted my wish list (mainly for fun and for family). woudln't you know some blogging friends wanted to gift me. it was difficult accepting but i did and i'm glad for it. at first i was afraid people would think i only posted my wish list so that i could get the stuff. i didn't want to appear greedy. i think allowing myself the blessing opened me up to becoming a better giver and receiver. as far as sharing it on line...i don't think there are any rules. do what works for you. but i will say i was struck by your comment that you didn't want other readers to feel jealous, inequal, etc. well, you can't control that. that is their issue not yours and i don't think you should have to protect anyone from themselves. chances are they will feel that way whether you receive goodies or not. so i say do what feels right for you or what contributes to expanding your ability to accept the blessings.
posted on: March 08
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liz elayne says:
your post resonates with me on several levels. and i have had the same thoughts about not sure what to post on my blog. i don't want to invite others to feel bad either (oh look - someone gave me something!!!) etc. but at the same time, like michelle says, if they feel jealous etc. that is their issue. and maybe it is another opportunity to look at the feelings that come up for us...
posted on: March 08
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Donna says:
My mom always gave me money. Drove me nuts because she didn't put any thought into it. But eventually, I just accepted it and said thanks. My own gifts tend to be ones I've put a lot of thought and effort into, sometimes they are well received, sometimes not. I've learned not to agonize over it.
I get a tad annoyed with the , "Oh lookie what I got from so-and-so" posts. I don't expect gifts from other bloggers, and while I will offer up the occassional book or whatever, I don't make a habit of exchanging gifts. That's just not what my blogging is about.
But, whatever. People can certainly post whatever they like. I don't have to like it, and if I want, I can just skip to the next thing. Don't agonize over it. I post a lot of things people don't like. Oh well.
posted on: March 09
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Lauren Cerand says:
Beautiful post, Elizabeth -- deeply felt and so thoughtful. Although, I am realizing, I should have sent you Michelle Herman's (www.michelleherman.com) essay collection, The Middle of Everything, instead! ;) XO, LC
posted on: March 16
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