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December 23, 2005 8:52 AM- the empty feeder

T and I are big into birds. One of the reasons we love spending time on Nantucket is that they have guided bird walks at 6am. Crazy, I know?who wants to getup at 6 am on their holiday? Yeah, well. We are both early risers and bird nuts, so for us?only a small dash of the crazy in our soup. And before you spit coffee at the screen and mock me I have but one question: have you ever stood close to the ocean shore with warm salty morning air wrapped around you and seen the bright red of an oyster catcher?s beak? It?s thrilling, I assure you.

Now. Mock with impunity!

Living at Soliden I have seen some amazing birds. My two favorites so far: red-tailed hawk and scarlet tanager. Well, those and the grouse that stopped to converse with me recently, and the rafter of glossy black turkeys that often greet me at the bottom of my drive and the, forget it . . . you get the point. Once I almost caused a terrific pile-up on my morning commute when a huge ass owl swooped in front of me and perched on a branch in plain view. That mother was FAT! And so close I could see the mouse tail dangling out from under his claws. Of course I stopped and stared. If it weren?t such a narrow road with so many other commuters in a rush to get to work (idiots) I would?ve pulled off and stayed with him until he flew away.

My point? Not a good one, to be sure, but I was thinking about this blog and how it really is representative of my bird feeding tendencies. Whenever I start a new feeder I?m all ?BIG bag of seed!? and ?time to clean the birdbath!? and ?do they need more seed? Let me get them more seed? and then some weeks later, as I stand cranky-assed in my saggy bathrobe sucking the life out of a fresh cup of coffee I look out the window and see scattered empty sunflower husks in a snow-covered circle under the empty feeder. Which is to say, no one is unaware of my inconsistent tendencies, not even the birds.

The thing is?I like the blog medium. It does many things quite nicely. However, it is most inept at showing me walking around with my head swelling and deflating like wheezing bellows with too many thoughts, ideas, and plans coming in; fatigue, discouragement and ennui hissing out. It is also quite poor at expressing my flatness when I simply cannot do anything more than wake up, dress, arrive at work, stay at work, drive home and feel sad at how flat I am and that my energies are so low this is all I am capable of.

Right now.

I hasten to add those key words, because I know this is temporary. I know this has been a hell of a year for us in so many regards, not the least of which was building a house.

I guess I feel somewhat out of balance since I go to all of your blogs regularly where I feast on all the good grub you?ve got in your feeder. Doesn?t seem fair. So much creativity and inspiration and art and funny sh*t and interesting ideas! It keeps me alive in this frozen emotional space I?ve been in of late--like the little matchgirl in the wintry doorstep.

No. WAIT. No?she died.

I?m gonna make it through. And?

Next Spring and Summer there are gonna be f*cking berries in my yard for all the birds!

Hah. Take that you f*cking metaphor. And on that cheery note--

See you next week some time. Hope your holiday makes you remember the important things and how good it can feel to be alive.

Blessed be.



got 2 cents?



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JennB says:
Happy yule, and enjoy those birds! I'm the same way. We get piliated woodpeckers (the two+ foot long ones) at our birdfeeders sometimes, and that is thrilling! And we've had the scarlet tanager shock. Plus, there are two sets of cardinals that live around here, and a family of red-tailed hawks. We get the occasional flock of turkeys across our yard. Nature is great.... Have a wonderful holiday, and we'll see you next year! Thanks for all you contribute to the Internet(s)!
posted on: December 23

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Lil says:
Well, if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one who is crazy into birds. That's one of the things I love about the cotttage... As for feeling flat, welcome to the land of the paper thin. But seeing the boys there gave me a zing. Thanks.
posted on: December 23

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meg says:
Merry Christmas, BP. Hope you and yours find it relaxing, love filled, and fabulous.
posted on: December 23

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Heather says:
Oh your blog is so too filled like a birdfeeder. I check it everyday you silly goose! Enjoy your Christmas dear!
posted on: December 23

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chlamygirl says:
i love feeling the positive energy that you just e x u d e, even when you feel flat... you're the inspiration!
posted on: December 23

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Sheryl says:
Here's to some re-creation for you in the coming days. Many hugs. Thanks for scattering some most excellent seed for us this year, we'll be waiting by the feeder when you return.
posted on: December 23

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lizardek says:
If there's anyone who provides a suety treat packed full with nuts and seeds and goodies every time we stop by, it's you, my dear. :) I love the red-tailed hawks too, but I think it's mostly because I know how to tell them apart :P They're all over the place here.
posted on: December 23

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stephanie says:
A red-tailed hawk, eh? My almamat-ah's mascot is the RTH. We see it every time we go to the games. Not quite the same as in person, ours is a guy in a felt costume. You are the birdfeeder of my soul, BP, indeed.
posted on: December 23

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bella says:
ooh I loved this entry, especially your refrence to the little match girl, a current favorite of my daughter's. Have a great holiday and stay warm. ps.. if i loved birds, i'd be out there at 5:59, ready to go.
posted on: December 23

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liz elayne says:
ok. first. love birds. and i have always wanted to see a scarlet tanager so i am jealous. we had a bald eagle in the fir trees at our house. amazing. i wish my husband loved finding/identifying birds as much as me...wish i could hang out with you guys on the weekends. two. i appreciate your honesty here so much. you are amazing. if only we blog friends could see all the day to day. the still in my pj's hair sticking up moments and the yelling at someone in an irrational moment and the crying just because you feel like it moment. yet these glimpes into the moments we choose to share are pretty good...please keep doing that... third. i always forget to keep their food filled too. i will have two weeks of all these birds in our little backyard and suddenly no one. then i realize their food is gone or has "gone bad" (why does that have to happen??) or the neighbors put out better food...they are fickle little creatures.
posted on: December 24

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Marilyn says:
Hope your first holidays at Soliden are magical...
posted on: December 24

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christina says:
Isn't it funny that so many of the people who are drawn to your blog are also bird lovers? I think you might be right about the limitations of blogging, but I also think that your blog in particular is full with the richness and multidemensionality of daily life--the flat and the boldly textured. Hugs to you! And may your Christmas be filled with beautiful birds!
posted on: December 24

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christina says:
Oh, and I meant to say I LOVE that first photo of the bench in the blue darkness of early morning or evening. Wonderful.
posted on: December 24

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tinker says:
Wha..huh? Your blog is one of my fave soul-feeders I fly to when I'm too pooped to gather my own thoughts...& I always find some filling kernels of truth & tasty tidbits waiting here for me - Thank you! Wishing you magical Happy Holidays filled with frolicking & birdsightings by day; & nights filled with snuggling by candlelight! p.s. A barnowl swooped right in front of my Jeep the other night - I braked & watched in amazement as she scooped up a mouse on the embankment & flew right back across the hood of the jeep, so close - she took up most of the view thru the windshield as she flew over; blew me away! Owl sightings seem to be harbingers of change...
posted on: December 25

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samantha says:
Don't make us sing really bad Journey or Chicago songs to you...merry Christmas, my dearest BP, and know that you are part of the fire that lights my way...
posted on: December 25

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river selkie says:
i never mentioned it before, i don't think, but my dad's a birder. big time. and let me tell you it was not always about seeing birds at bird feeders for us growing up. he'd take us to some pretty unsavory places (i.e. sewer ponds) just to see a bird. wouldn't trade it for the world. :)
posted on: December 26

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lizardek says:
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
...
Don?t stop believin?
Hold on to the feelin?!

posted on: December 26

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nina says:
Hope you're having a most wonderful holiday. I love that first photo--the color, the mood it evokes, evrerything fabulous.
posted on: December 26

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violetismycolor says:
The coolest bird we have here is a Stellar Jay, but really none of the fabulous birds you have out East. BTW, thanks for the kind comment about Adam and his teeth on my blog. I have to say that it was pretty shocking to see how he looked with only pieces of 3 front teeth...like a hockey player my husband said. Anyway, he looks great again, and he's not afraid to smile...so yay!
posted on: December 27

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melanie says:
Birds are cool except when your neighbour insists on feeding every sparrow in the neighbourhood and their bird feeder is right outside your bedroom window - bird shit city! However, I live very inner-city and tightly packed - but at the cottage I spend hours watching the birds and in that natural setting it seems as though I am never woken up by 100 sparrows at 4 a.m. only the loons on the lake making that beautiful eerie noise late at night.
posted on: December 27

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impossiblejane says:
I set up a bird feeder outside my bedroom window for the cats to watch. Turns out it was more for me. I've been having fun watching all the various birds feed. I'm having even more fun watch my cats squirm to get at the birds. As if...
posted on: December 27

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otter says:
Damn. I just realized how much I miss the "Blessed be."
posted on: December 29

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meghan says:
Blessed be to you and yours as well, BP. I have a feeling 2006 will be so much better for all of us. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
posted on: December 30

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Lorna says:
wonderful pictures blessings for 2006
posted on: December 31

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Swirly says:
These are wonderful pictures, and I think standing by the ocean and seeing an oyster catcher's beak would be divine!
posted on: December 31

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Rebekah says:
I think we all go through flat spells and worse, sometimes the screaming reds when we would, uh, not particularly like an audience. Whatever your emotional state, you give us all so much. And watching the emergence of Soliden and seeing all the miraculous pictures have been joys this year. Hoping a bright 2006 for you, replete with variances of terrain.
posted on: December 31

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jes says:
This is a STELLAR post.....by the way have a F*cking happy new year....and yes, all will be well. I often feel the same way, I think a lot of us girls that do the blog thing can relate. PS....Jon and I are bird lovers too! We spend as much on bird feed as we do dog food!
posted on: December 31

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Milly says:
Happy New Year - 2006 is gonna rock!
posted on: January 01

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frida says:
love your site
posted on: January 04

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Sorry, comments are now closed.




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