I have no camera access. I have no web access. Hence, the paltry, paltry posts this summer. Gah.

So without the accompanying images that would make this dull story so much the more palatable, or at least slightly more toward the direction of simply boring, I give you stupid human trick #847.

This is a fun and easy way to leave the office early and to spend nearly two hours in the emergency room of your local hospital. What you will need:

~ a new ring that you love (for best results, make sure it is extra thick of strong silver)
~ a really dumb idea (for example: while working out at the gym, decide to move the ring which is slightly loose off of its designated finger and put it on your middle finger for security. Then, continue working out. Use hand weights and/or do lots of push-ups).

And that's all there is to it! Arrive home and wait. You will see that your middle finger has grown swollen above the ring and when you try to remove the ring it will be firmly stuck. You can spend hours icing, greasing and otherwise torturing your finger but the ring will NOT COME OFF. (This trick has a 100% guarantee).

Go to bed and you will see in the morning-- the finger will STILL be swollen and now start to ache. It will continue to bother you all through the day and even though everyone in the office has you trying EVERY "cure" known to man, this ring will not come off and the flesh above the ring is now plump and red like a summer cherry.

At around 4pm (you can go sooner if you really want to wreck your workday and have a pile of unfinished tasks waiting to greet you when you return the next morning), head to the local ER where you will be handed a deli ticket number (!) and made to wait for over an hour. With any luck, there will be many coughing, wheezing humans in there to provide ample opportunity to contract any number of viral illnesses.

Eventually, you will be ushered into a room and a nurse wielding a tool kit that would make any dental assistant weep in envy will begin the process of cutting off your ring. Again, if you have chosen a very thick strong ring, you will have the additional pleasure of requiring a second cut since the ring will not be pried open with just one cut.

With the pieces of your beloved ring in the pocket of your purse, head to the cashier where you can pay a premium for coming to ER and having your ring destroyed.

That's all there is to it!

Next week, stupid human trick #848 . . .

got 2 cents?