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May 06, 2005 9:29 AM- mutation or metamorphosis?

Have I told you this story before? I feel like I have. But then again, my memory is not so much a bank as a soggy cheesecloth. And really, what I?m about to share is hardly a story?more of a rumination.

So, one of the greatest compliments I ever received (by my Aquarian definition which is not how most people would define a compliment) was given to me by my college roommate many years after we had graduated. She told me,

?You have no skin. You walk into a room and you can feel everybody else?s feelings like you were a sponge.?

Rather a strange thing to say. And, rather strange for me to feel so good about the observation but I think that is due more to the fact that aside from T, she is the only person who ever actually lived with me and she knows me so well. And it feels good to be known and understood, n?est-ce pas? (Of course in the context of the conversation, this was not so much of a compliment as a discussion of my faults since not having any skin can cause a person to feel overwhelmed much of the time).

When I was little my dad would often say to me, you need a thicker skin?toughen up. I took his words to heart and I tried to grow good, strong, can?t-puncture-this skin, but underneath that false cover of hippopotamus skin was a scared little bunny. And can I tell you how hard it is to see and navigate if you are a small bunny bundled in an ungainly hippopotamus cloak? Walls. Bumping. Stairs. Tumbling. The bruises. Plentiful.

Somewhere along the way, I ditched the cover and came to terms with the fact that I am hyper-sensitive, always will be, and I?m not going to drug it out or cover it up to fit in better with the world. (Instead I?m going to run away from the world and live in a house far, far in the woods where I can?t see anyone and no one can see me--- but that?s a story for another day). As I mentioned recently following a particularly painful bout of disembowelment, my interest in creating a writing life where I actually pursued publication has waned. In addition, work politics are inflaming my old issues of hyper-sensitivity and I find myself in a rather chronic state of emotional agitation. My peaceful center has collapsed like a failed souffl?.

But I LOVED the peaceful center and I am going to get it back. I know how:

No more thinking. Enough with the being in the head. I?m done with that. No more thinking about sh?t.

I?m not even interested in being a do-er anymore. Nope. Just being. That?s all I want to do from now on. Just be. You are looking at a be-er.

You heard me. A beer.

Something imported, I think. Surely not a stout. Nor an ale. Perhaps a lager? YES. Exactly. A lager lagger.

Nice and slow. The hare becomes the tortoise. And look at that fantastic cover of protection I get in my new gig!

Now, that?s what I?m talking about.



got 2 cents?



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stephanie says:
I'd go for being a Boddingtons, it takes for-ev-er to pour it out of the tap. Lots of be-ering can be done waiting for your next pint.
posted on: May 06

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Gale says:
Nice tortoise -- not much of a head on him, but a lot of body! And he comes pre-decanted. (I have been remiss in reading because I had been redoubling my efforts toward becoming reemployed. But now I have returned!) Why is it always us sensitive types who are dubbed 'over-sensitive' and told to toughen up? Why aren't the callous bastards ever encouraged to be more sensitive toward other people?
posted on: May 06

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Chanelbaby says:
I hear you I hear you I hear you so loud and clear it is like the voice in the stillness and I UNDERSTAND! I REALLY do. It makes me think of this one time my boss was in my office telling me "you need to do this" and "you need to do that" and I remember suddenly realising "You know what lady? I don't NEED to do anything except breathe in and out, love my man, and feed and shelter myself. THAT'S ALL." I'm all for the beers!!!!!!!
posted on: May 06

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suzanna danna says:
Beautiful bp: my mother (and countless friends) told me the exact same thing about being overly sensitive. I went through the toughening process and wore a heavy brick wall around for over a decade. I broke down that wall a few years ago and now I feel so much lighter without that tough outer shell? it was SO callous and fake, and not me. And yes, being extremely sensitive does sometimes have its drawbacks (in close working conditions especially when people around are negative) but I feel so much better. I hope you find your happy medium place.
posted on: May 06

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lizardek says:
Toughen up, indeed. That only goes so far, and it's equally important to balance it with the sensitivity, otherwise you just kill that flowering part of yourself. Moderation in everything, I say...even in moderation! Yay for beers and laggers!
posted on: May 06

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Molly says:
"And it feels good to be known and understood, n?est-ce pas?" Mais oui. It is the best feeling in the world, and if you find just one person who understands, hold on to him or her!! And in the meantime, think how much we'd me missing in the world if it weren't for all the "sensitive" people.
posted on: May 06

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bp says:
*happy sigh* I'm feeling the love--- THANKS you guys!!!!
posted on: May 06

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Sheryl says:
A mighty fine plan.
posted on: May 06

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Milly says:
I'm going a bit nuts over-thinking my upcoming move. I need to relax, take a deep breath, and "just be". Thanks for the reminder.
posted on: May 06

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samantha says:
I remember reading something one time, about an artist who was dealing with feeling everything so intensely, and her doctor said, 'You're an artist. This is what you're supposed to do.' So she just decided to live with that, with all the extra hurts and joys that came to her. You're not alone, BP. And we all just love, love, love you with that strange bloggy love.
posted on: May 06

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samantha says:
strange and GOOD bloggy love, of course.
posted on: May 06

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frecklegirl says:
I think that sensitivity is a good quality- but then again, it can leave you a bit bruised and battered. You end up understanding so well what others are going through but feeling like no one really cares what you are going through. (here, here, Gale!) Sigh. Not an easy place to be. I think there is something to be said for a good smooth stout myself. :)
posted on: May 06

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chlamygirl says:
if you are successful in figuring out how to stop thinking and just being, can you please let me know how you achieved it?
posted on: May 07

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otter says:
You know, those of us who have seen glimpses of the man behind the curtain adore you all the more for it. Thick skin, bah. It only serves to hide the beauty of the blue poppy inside.
posted on: May 07

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bp says:
otter--- no no-- I was a man in a PAST lifetime-- this time around I'm all woman-- ALL WOMAN-- I swear . ..
posted on: May 07

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Coquette says:
Is the french word for "sensitive" not "sensible"? This is what I tried to tell myself as I was told I was "Trop sensible" for the industry I so wanted to suceed in. Funny, the same person was always telling me I didn't pack up Fed-Ex boxes fast enough and yelled at me for putting the wrong color stickers on an envelope. With my nearly perfect SAT scores, I sat in the bathroom and weeped...Which is to say, THANK YOU FOR THIS POST.
posted on: May 08

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Margaret says:
Tu es sensible, comme moi. C'est une bonne qualite la plupart du temps.
posted on: May 08

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violetismycolor says:
dear BP...having a thick skin is not always the best thing. Many people with too thick a skin do not have the sensibility to understand others feelings and sensitivities. You are fantastic and don't let anyone else convince you otherwise.
posted on: May 08

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pastamasta says:
What about a nice, cool mug of Tsingtao? Crisp, clean-tasting and slightly exotic.

P.S. If I point out that that's a picture of a turtle and not a tortoise, am I going to get horribly killed?
posted on: May 09

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bp says:
oh no master, young jedis never kill their teachers, right? But I don't know the difference--- should've said sea turtle as that's what I meant anyway . . frogs, toads, you know-- amphibians . .
posted on: May 09

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gatsby says:
it was a matter of time before this turned into a star wars blog. also, what ever happened with mookie? where did that go anyway?
posted on: May 09

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