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June 07, 2004 6:38 PM- And the Winner is . . .

Oh god you guys are gonna totally hate me, HATE me, but I'm gonna pull a Rosie O'Donnell on you and say you're ALL winners. I tried and tried to choose, but I loved them all and they made me laugh . . . and much as I can't stand Rosie O'Donnell and it ALWAYS pissed me off to no end when she would do shit like that, e-mail me your snail mail addresses and I promise that next spring (May 2005, to be exact, the book fresh from the press will be in your mailbox-- signed and all).

Gak. Rosie was the Queen of Nice, the only time I REMOTELY enjoyed her was when she did a stand-up rant (long before the talk show days) and she railed on Woody Allen marrying his daughter and it was fucking genius. I shudder to think I could be developing a softer, gentler side. No, no-- I will fight this to the last.

Hold on a sec, there are some small children walking down my sidewalk-- I'll set my barking dogs on them and scare the bejesus out of them. Hah! One dropped his popsicle as he ran. And Henry is gobbling it up. Good boy, good doggy. There, okay what was I talking about?

God only knows. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell happened to me after work today. Instead of heading straight to the gym, I went to the grocery store where I bought:
two ripe avacadoes
Miguel's Stowe Away fresh salsa
Breakstone's sour cream
Green Mountain Tortilla Strips
a six-pack of Magic Hat
Cabot's whipped cream.

I entered the house, dropped my guff. Removed all of my clothes (in the living room)-- I don't care about the rest of you but I HATE wearing a bra!--Went into the kitchen where I squirted whipped cream into my mouth while I made fresh guacamole.

Found a t-shirt and track pants on the floor of the bathroom and put them on. Told my husband there would be no productivity of any kind tonight, no dinner making, no dishwasher unloading, no telephone answering, no laundry putting awaying, but that I might just have my way with him, later. Gathered up the food supplies and carried them back into the living room (kicking my clothes out of the way) and settled on the couch where I will remain for the rest of the night.

(God help me, the DVD left over from the weekend is The Magdalene Sisters) But that's what I'm watching, sister.

So what in the hell could have spurred such wanton disregard for my beloved workout routine? Was it

a) PMS

b) the battle of demons in my mind about the fact that I am wasting my life in a stupid job but can't seem to get brave/stupid enough to just fucking walk

c) low-pressure system that just rolled its ugly ass self into town

d) I'm a moody-ass bitch and the only one who seems to be ignorant of this glaring truth is me

e) all of the above

The answer, of course, is "c". Why the hell do you think I left Philadelphia in the first place? Mid-Atlantic states are my cryptonite. I cannot handle low-pressure or crippling humidity. There is something in my brain cavity, perhaps a lack of air, perhaps extra water, perhaps a stray Ju-Jubee from my lobotomy-- but whatever it is, low-pressure systems FUCK ME UP.

So, I direct your attention to the first poppy of the season (above and below) in my garden. I did get a lot of garden work in this weekend before we had to head down to Boston for our niece's high school graduation party where 3, as in THREE, people who are in my family didn't recognize me. Granted, they are cousins, but please. Are you telling me some blond highlighting and leaving my hair au naturel (i.e. with curls and no blowdrying it straight) makes me look like a different person?!

This explains everything. I have no gene pool-- I descend from a gene fucking puddle.



got 2 cents?



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wee says:
ooooooo...am extra very jealous of your bra-less lawlessness and your abundant posies. I am in the very same mood, coincidentally enough, but owing mostly to a). Also stinking smog alerts and heinous humidity which promises to be ten times worse tomorow. yippee. Also, what is Magic Hat? Is it soda that talks to you? i hope it's soda that talks to you (like the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter.) Or is it talking beer? one of the things I envy most about you 'Mericans iss that you can buy booze at the grocery store. we can't do that in Canucksville. Nope. we have to go to a special store for that. And in Ontario, there are seperate stores for beer and a separate store for all the other evil spirits (although you can buy beer there). How screwed is that?
posted on: June 07

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blue-blue poppy says:
Magic Hat is a beer from Vermont that I love. And yes, where I grew up you could only buy alcohol in State Stores. But what is this with Ontario with humidity? Don't you guys have snow still?
posted on: June 07

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Katherine says:
as I am still a nomad, I don't yet have an address . . . but I will by the fall and I so very much look forward to a copy (signed!) of your book that will I just know be just faboo :)
posted on: June 07

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rachael says:
Mississippi Humidity? sucks. When we got off the plane from our trip to Alaska, we almost choked on the weight of the air. A slick dew of condensation immediately covered our skin. Not sweat mind you... I'm a girl. I don't sweat. I dew. Anyway. Yes, as I was saying, humidity bites. Oh, and those flowers are gorgeous. :)
posted on: June 08

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Zoot says:
Gorgeous poppy. I'm a camisole girl b/c I HATE wearing a bra and what's the point when you have nothing. You forgot the part of the night when you were "to call Zoot because she LOVES homemade guacamole" Humidity? Isnt that an everday thing?
posted on: June 08

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otter says:
Go you. We all need more evenings exactly like that--full of avocado, magical talking beer and freshly sprung ta-tas :~)
posted on: June 08

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bp says:
hoo hoo-- "freshly sprung ta-tas" you CRACK me!
posted on: June 08

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yogagirl says:
ooh. i could hang out in your garden doing yoga all day long. Purple dutch iris are my most favoritist flower. wah. (thinking)....I don't think poppies grow in Texas....
posted on: June 08

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bp says:
Yogagirl, irises are T's fave flower, too! I bet poppies would grow in Texas, er, well, as long as you kept them away from BUSHES cause they HATE BUSHES and would wither up and die near a BUSH.
posted on: June 08

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Chrishawn says:
Absolutely gorgeous poppies, BP.
posted on: June 08

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gimmy says:
You just described my perfect night. Except I'd be eating pasta bolognese and washing it down with a cab. Mmmmm.
posted on: June 08

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samantha says:
the first poppy picture looks like some luscious painting, not a photograph! so beautiful! I'm sorry you had a meltdown, but fresh guacomole (excuse my drool) and beer are a surefire cure-all. And, as I like to say, you deserve it! The cure-all, that is, not the low pressure system. Sometimes, a girl has to do what's necessary to get everything swirling in the right direction.
posted on: June 08

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sam again says:
by the way, I STILL boycott woody allen. I don't care how funny he may be, he's just yucky.
posted on: June 08

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Red Baron says:
Yeah I don't like bras either, one of the worst parts of dragging up! The poppies are great and I shall resist any opium for the people gag.
posted on: June 08

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JennB says:
talk about hedonism! wow! lovely.... and I love that your purchases were Vermont-product heavy. I don't know what it is about my state, but the food products always rule. I believe people need to do more in the way of having fun like that after work. Why does our entire life have to be doing something productive? Tonight, you go to the store and buy: some local bread, some fresh motz cheese, some tomatoes and some fresh basil and have yourself a time. Rent something good. And fling off your clothes before you get IN the house! Give the neighbors something to talk/ gawk about. You have some lovely flowers, too. Jealous.
posted on: June 09

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Amalah says:
Yay! Everyone's a winner! And especially you, Miss Published Author Thang. Am so jealous and so emailing you my address so I can get my copy before the masses gobble up every other copy.
posted on: June 09

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bp says:
Jenn B-- that's a great idea! I am going to do that. In fact, I'm just gonna blow out the rest of the week-- and walk around the neighborhood naked as a jaybird carrying only a big ol' glass of Shiraz and a bottle to keep the glass full. Just the idea of it makes me happy.
posted on: June 09

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Croila says:
Great idea, what a lovely way to spend an evening - very decadent! Sounds like that's all anybody would WANT to do, what with humidity like that. It sounds pretty horrible, but hey, at least you've got a beautiful garden and bonnie flowers to look at :-)
posted on: June 09

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Michelle says:
JennB: have noticed the same thing about Vermont Foods. It's Truth. And BP, everyone deserves a break from time to time and it sounds like you need to get out of town! Seriously, the only way I survived all the miserable weather in my school town was by getting out whenever I could. p.s. I abuse whipped cream too!
posted on: June 09

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bp says:
MWahhhhh--- I'm a whipped cream abuser! It's SO true yet I never knew I had such a moniker. I think I'm gonna have to have a song written for this.
posted on: June 09

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