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June 01, 2004 1:54 PM- memory aids
Always remember (applies to Memorial Day and all holidays):
RULE #1 There is truly no point in cleaning your home before the guests arrive when the sum total of bodies in the house will be 11 plus a 2 year-old child plus three dogs. There is simply no point because the gear, the guff, the beach towels, bike repair kits, games, toys, cell phones, diapers, purses, backpacks, dishes, sunglasses, glasses, bottles of wine, baseball caps, bottles of beer, golf bags, squeezed limes, banana peels and grapes will mask any dissarray that might have been in place before they arrived. So always remember, DON'T CLEAN it's not worth it.
RULE #2 If you fill the fridge with food and beer and stock the cabinets with crackers, nibbles and wine people will still bring MORE even though you told
them there was PLENTY they will bring more because (as you will forever and always be the baby sister who can't add and can't tell time) you couldn't possibly know how to accomodate hungry hordes and so your counters will be covered with all the excess food that could never possibly be eaten by 11 people in 3 days though god knows there are cruise ships in the Mediterranean that might give us a little competition. So always remember, don't buy food. No one thinks you know how to anyway.
RULE #3 Don't worry about planning activities or events. There are too many people to coordinate. And no cruise director in the world could get 11 people and a 2 year-old and three dogs to go kayaking, mountain biking, hiking, play tennis and croquet in any semblance of order. Besides, any activity besides eating and drinking will inhibit the reduction of food and drink in your house which must be consumed before the end of the weekend. So always remember, if anyone asks what we're doing today, just shrug and swallow.
RULE #4 Never enlist. You might have to suffer unspeakable horrors and lose limbs, sanity, or your life and the one day of the year people are given time to reflect on your gift to them, they will likely be too busy getting sunburned and stuffing their gullet without so much as saying grace to think what the day was meant for. So always remember, war sucks. Avoid it.
RULE #5 Your niece is too little to know the painting you made for her isn't finished and once it is, it will still be a piece of crap. And she'll love it because it came with chocolate ice cream which is good for dripping all over her sweater because she is a young Jackson Pollack in the making. So always remember, don't worry about finishing projects, especially if the recipient is under 3.
got 2 cents?
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Chrishawn says:
Glad to see you back BP!
Isn't that funny? We always clean before company gets to our homes when we should be cleaning AFTERWARDS! Why worry about the monotonus (sp?) task of pre-cleaning, when it all goes to hades anyway? Let's start a trend - clean afterwards!!
And your niece is a DOLL! So cute! That hair, those eyes - so dark and curious.
posted on: June 01
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samantha says:
now promise yourself you will pull this out and read it before family or friends descend once more...and I am quite sure they all had a wonderful time with you, T, Ollie, and Henry. And I agree with Chrishawn, your niece is precious! And her sweater, too! But I'm glad they are gone, because now we have you back!!
posted on: June 01
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bluepoppy says:
oh Samantha! Perish the thought! My family must never NEVER know about this blog. But yes, a very fine time was had by all and I'm glad they're gone, too and glad you want me back and CHRISHAWN-- I have tried for EONS to leave comments at your site with no luck. Add the comments feature, girl!
posted on: June 01
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wee says:
Ack!Ack! *hands flapping, jaws moving, sounds being emitted at such a pitch as to be only audible to dogs and dolphins ?!!!! SO ADORABLE! And I lurve your painting...especially te cow and the frog! And that's a scoop o' banan ice cream atop yer cone, I just know it is!!!! ACK! *more vigourous hand flapping*
posted on: June 01
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mihow says:
Sign me up for a painting. I don't even need the seduction by chocolate. :]
posted on: June 01
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Lizard Breath says:
wow - a sampler for the 21st century, how wonderful and creative. what I want to know is how my house LOOKS like what you're describing actually happened to yours, but it was just LOLL and me. hmmm. lizard.
posted on: June 02
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pastamasta says:
Have to disagree on Rule 2. I've thrown similar gatherings where no bugger has brought anything at all, and I've been obliged to nip out to the shops. Maybe it's different in the UK, I imagine you guys have larders or something.
posted on: June 02
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bp says:
Hmm, pastaman-- maybe I need to add a codicil that rule #2 applies to baby sisters of the family-- but it might be that your friends are all Yorkshire types and we all know they're bloody cheap! *grin*
posted on: June 02
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Red Baron says:
Now of course being a man I am hardly what you might call a diligent cleaner. I tend to follow the principle that if people are coming to see me then they know what a bolshy bastard I am and would therefore be surprised if I had cleaned up. If they wanted clean then they should have invited me to theirs. After all I don't expect people to slum their houses when I'm coming over to make me feel at home!
Rule 1 you can ostensibly leave out all but the relevant factor which is 2 year old child and animals -no further explanation of ensuing bedlam required. You could invite 20 adults over they will still not be able to effect the same impact as a single 2 year old.
Rule 2 People will only bring lots of stuff provided you do overstock, it is classic sod's law that they will suddenly have faith in your purchasing abilities at precisely the point you decide not to bother.
Rule 3 -Plan activites for 2 year old, the adults will follow as at least 50% will regress. Bouncy castles are guaranteed to provide maximum entertainment for any age but the adults must be told to behave or they will monopolise it!
Rule 4 -no arguement.
Rule 5 -make the painting out of chocolate ice cream!
Rule 6 -never make the assumption that because you've sucessfully herded adults through parties at your house that it will be possible to do the same with children, go with the ratio that 1 child:25 adults. There is a reason most people have children's parties somewhere else and you'll only not listen to it once!
posted on: June 02
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wee says:
O dear, Red Baron. Is this true about the general uncleanliness of men? Because my husband (he of british extraction too) is SOOOO tidy as to be seriously annoying. If I hadn't checked to make sure he has the requisite twig and berries, i'd be most concerned right now. Ummmmmm...chocolate ice cream paintings! I could get behind that!
posted on: June 02
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bp says:
Wee-- I must do the unthinkable and disagree with you-- there cannot be anything annoying about a man who is tidy and there is no such thing as being too tidy-- although as soon as I wrote that I thought of Felix Unger who WAS annoying but that was his personality, not his tidiness-- I believe there could be such a thing as a hunky man who was also tidy. (I also believe in the tooth fairy).
posted on: June 02
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Zoot says:
Also? Screw all diets. No diet, in the history of man, has EVER been known to survive family gatherings. If one diet has CLAIMED to survive? The dieter was secretely stuffing brownies in their face when people walked out of the kitchen.
Also? Great painting...:)
posted on: June 02
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Red Baron says:
A hunky man who is tidy -hmm he'd be usually hanging out at the Blue Oyster! As for Felix sorry bp one of the fundamental reasons he was so annoying was his anal fastidiosness. Oscar throwing the linguine at the wall struck a blow for us sloths everywhere!
wee -British extraction, BRITISH EXTRACTION what, who's of British extraction? I'm just Johnny Foreigner I only happen to live here!
posted on: June 02
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