1. Wake up at 5 am and be so glad it is your husband who has to be on the road by 5:30, not you, and snuggle back under the covers.

2. (5:02 a.m.) Rage against the planet as your husband calls up that Ollie has had another accident and he has no time to clean it up.

3. As you scrub up the god-awful, take advantage of the on-your-knees-prayer position to ask God if only yellow lab mutts have irritable bowel syndrome or if we must cease and desist from taking the dogs on walks in the woods where they eat sticks/crap and drink from questionable ponds. Also ask God if this is a premonition of the day ahead in which case you should go dig a hole out back and throw yourself into it since you have two killer meetings today and must be on your game.

4. Struggle to find something to wear when your closet rivals Ellie Mae Clampett for oldest, most out of date, queer bait collection of things to wear.

5. Get call from husband who is freely careening down I-93 drinking a coffee and listening to NPR like a man who is having a good start to his day. Be glad for him. You love him, the asshole.

6. Re-read e-mail you got last night from your co-author who is sending her last two chapters over and still waiting on your four chapters you promised a week ago Sunday that are still not written. Scream at the dogs because it's their fault you are a suck-ass procrastinator who can't get anything done shit shit shit.

7. Spend 15 minutes ironing a pair of pants only to discover they have a broken zipper and that is why they are the only clean pants hanging in your closet.

8. Decide to spend 35 minutes blow drying your hair straight because you want to look as good as possible for the meetings today and then see that it is drizzly and rainy outside and your hair will now be ugly frizz-- no time to recoup. Fuck fuck fuck.

9. Have a drag down fight with self for being such a fucking asshole shithead for not doing one thing to prepare for this morning and leaving it all to the last minute. Get in a couple of good punches to the gut. Yank on frizzy ugly hair, hard.

10. Take the dogs out for a last chance to pee/poo before you pen them up for the next 5 hours. Smile indulgently as they insist on eating sticks/crap and drink from a creek that spawns jardia.

11. Get in your car and ignore the muddy/hairy blankets in the back seat from the dogs and pretend all professionals drive filthy cars to work.

12. Oh yeah, one day at a time-- fuck that noise.

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