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November 14, 2004 10:27 AM- it's come to this

(WARNING: long, unfunny post ahead. You may just want to come back around later in the week when I may have something more palatable to share.)

A seismic shift occurred Friday night and mountains were moved. I have little hope that I'll be able to retrace my steps to recount here what exactly was worked out in my head, but I'm going to try and capture some part of it.

Y'all know I am a splenetic misanthrope. And I like being a splenetic misanthrope. Worse, I pride myself on being a splenetic misanthrope. But that's what has got to change.

There's a guy at work, a bellowing buffoon who embodies the very qualities that I despise most in human beings: weak, arrogant, stupid, insincere, untrustworthy, greedy, power-hungry, selfish and manipulative. Oh, and he is very, very vocal about his weekly church-going. (Now before you jump all over me. I think going to church weekly is just fine if that blows your skirt up or makes your heart hum. It's hypocrisy I despise).

Anyway, I have to stop *figuratively* smacking this guy upside the head everytime I walk by him. I have to stop *literally* mocking and belittling him in public. In other words, my beloved splenetic misanthrope must be shown the door.

Why? you ask in abject horror. He deserves it. He is the anti-Christ. He must be ground down into rotted pulp. Yes, yes-- trust me, I hear you. Allow me to digress.

I was born into competition. Hardly unusual, many families are competitive. But for the record, in my childhood environment being right mattered most--more than being good, nice, beautiful, funny, clever, talented, or happy. The goal was always to be right. If you were right, you won.

Being right is great if you are playing Jeopardy! and know all the answers and can buzz in before your opponents. In that case, you will win.

But I'm not on Jeopardy!. I'm on Survivor.

Let me just say for the record, every bit of success I have had in corporate America I attribute directly to lessons learned from watching Survivor. However, as those of you who watch it know, the most painful/distressing aspects of Survivor is that the weak, the snarky, the least able, the laziest, the biggest whiners, and the least deserving often win the game. (NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS: Colby and Ethan. And before you e-mail me to correct me that Colby didn't actually win because he gave away his advantage and allowed Blondie to take the top prize--sod off. In my heart, Colby won).

And this is WRONG. Wrong, as in NOT RIGHT. I am in a game where being right will not help you win.

It doesn't matter that in the company where I work the CFO and his little henchman controller are bullies and thieves. It doesn't matter that they have created their own mini-Enron utopia. They have cut everyone strong (anyone who would challenge them) and surrounded themselves with the weak, the greedy, the ego-centered and the very least deserving. All of whom will profit at the expense of others. And the fact that I know this and see this may be right--but it is not going to help me survive. Au contraire.

And being right of late has caused me tremendous emotional distress and pain. A level of discomfort that I will not allow to continue.

I have to change.

I could quit, obviously. But come on. What does that solve? Human corruption is everywhere. The struggle for power and ego-gratification is not only in companies it is in churches, schools, hospitals, in the PTA, in the non-profit sector, on communes-- basically, anywhere you have a gathering of people. Quitting will not help me. I must change.

It's a question of soul growth. I have to accept what is without judgement. I don't have to be friends with these people. I don't have to agree with their behavior. What I must do (my inner splenetic misanthrope is writhing as I write this) is practice loving kindness.

I must trust that they are all in their own phase of development and it is not for me to judge/scorn/mock etc. My desire to slap them silly stems from my own ego need TO BE RIGHT. And I want to grow beyond that. I truly, truly do.

I want to get to the point whre I can simply observe their behavior and not have it rile me up or make me want to kill them. I want to be in a place where my heart is open and clear and filled with loving kindness. That is the only way I will ever be free.

And I want freedom above all else. That and a month in Paris . . .

got 2 cents?



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frecklegirl says:
Yes, I really think people like that are our test... can we rise above or will we sink to their level? Sigh. It is so hard though. I deal with this stuff on a daily basis myself. Certain people that I work with are very insecure and can only bolster their fragile egos by making others feel subordinate. I think it helps me is to think about how sad those people are, how empty their lives must be. It is exhausting though.
posted on: November 14

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Kat says:
. . . what if it's not about your need to be right? What if it's in reaction to this trend, this battle, this stance in your family, you learned to judge in yourself the things that might interfere with this being right? What if the rage and judgment you feel come screaming out at this guy is in direct proportion to the rage and judgment you feel screaming in at yourself? And what if, just maybe, all of this incredibly obnoxious, judgmental behavior this guy lays out into the world is in direct proportion to how crazy *he* feels inside, is simply a reaction to his own insane upbringing and the choices he's making to try and stay alive and have some semblence of a good time? And having said that, there is nothing wrong with stepping out of the line of someone else's fire, wishing them well, and still not wanting to spend any time in the draft of their funky fumes . . . As cheeze-whiz as this sounds, it is infinitely true - I pinkypinkypinky swear: if you want to have more compassion for the insanity around you, it must radiate off the freedom found by letting yourself off the soul-bashing trip. . . smooches to you . . . and when you finally get to this lofty place, will you please drop me a line and give me some tips, because I am working my ass off on this one . . . why can't it all just be solved with vast quantities of wine, smokes, and krispie kremes??? :)
posted on: November 14

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Margaret says:
Tu as raison; il faut accepter l'humanite et tous nos defauts. Malheureusement. Tu dois essayer d'etre heureuse...pour toi-meme. Courage!
posted on: November 14

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Sheryl says:
This species you speak of (latin: sycophantus weaselum) steals your joy like a weasel steals chicken eggs. Guard it carefully, surround yourself at work with small comforts. Sometimes it helps if you view the offending party as unwell
posted on: November 14

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lizardek says:
If you figure out how to do it, I hope you post the recipe.
posted on: November 14

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otter says:
Ah, my sweet BP. You have overlooked an option. The all-important Fuck-It option. Choosing to exhibit the disinterest that these folks beg for. I'm just saying.
posted on: November 14

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stephanie says:
Boy, are we on the same planet today or what? I don't have a answer, but I, too, was raised having to be right. It's a dangerous quality when you own your own business. Being right and being in business doesn't work out too well. But at my cube job, geez, I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. Work is much easier when you just don't care. Really.
posted on: November 14

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violetismycolor says:
Dear poppygirl, How much I agree with you. I have the very same view of life. When I feel anger/frustration/resentment towards people, I try to ask myself, 'what am I supposed to be learning from this? what about this person do I see in myself? how do I not JUDGE SO MUCH?' These are all hard questions and make me crazy. But I am trying to make MYSELF a better soul. My responsibility is not to improve them. Don't you wish this whole 'life' thing were easier?
posted on: November 15

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river selkie says:
egad. i never last long at a place where i am overrun with people like that. i just end up feeling like part of my soul is dying and i never get any relief til i leave. and yeah, you run into corruption and evil people everywhere, but sometimes people are not AS evil other places. and sometimes its easier to live with them other places... and sometimes you get a good year out of a place before you find out how evil a place is. whatever you do, just don't let it kill you.
posted on: November 15

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Art says:
Yuck, Yuck, Yuck. I know how you feel. And unfortunately I think you're right. It's a losing battle to try to change the people around you. It's easier to change yourself. As unfair as that really seems, there are just to many "jerks" out there. But at least be somewhat consoled in that there are alot of people like you out there as well. Just take a look at the comments here. You've got a bunch of really neat people who read your site...you're not alone! [By the way, do the people you work with know you have a blog? I'm too chicken to write about some of the things I'd like to write about work. But then again, I think that's why I like reading your blog. Your sincerity always rings through.]
posted on: November 15

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gimmy says:
Sounds like a great New Year's resolution to me. 8)
posted on: November 15

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meg says:
Thank you so much!! I really needed to read that this morning as I try to settle into a new job that I feel totally misplaced in. I so dislike corporate America and I so don't want to wind up like them. I wish you great luck in your search for Freedom (and that month in Paris).
posted on: November 15

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pastamasta says:
Unfunny? Says who? I laughed until my nose fell off. True, it was the hollow, soulless laughter of the die-hard cynic recognising a fellow inhabitant of capitalist hell, but it was laughter all the same. Too often have I watched these greased cogs turn into big wheels by dint of their constant, patient insertion of their faces into the corporate rear orifice. These very same rodent-like beings, who still visit the local hospital en masse every Thursday to have the shit chiselled off their noses, are now our managers, our head salesmen, our executive vice-presidents, and there is no place left for the man who believes in principles before profit. No, siree. Please, by all means, feel free to strike a blow for the splenetic misanthrope in all of us, and deck this fool with a handy desk ornament.
posted on: November 15

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Laura B. says:
A hearty righty-ho to you. I, too, am constantly striving to disconnect from the stupid, the rude, the self-indulgent. But all efforts eventually fall flat on that inevitable night when I realize that the buffoons are going home and telling their loved ones "I WAS RIGHT". and my gorge rises.
posted on: November 15

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Coleen says:
Oh, I feel that pain, sister. I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose to attain workplace nirvana. Because, really? Ugh.
posted on: November 15

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lady jane says:
oh, my fairyblogmother, what a lot of things have been turning around in your head!! I, also, have an extreme need to BE RIGHT, DAMN IT. I just like to be right. And it does put you in a bad place, many times, because you can't fix everyone, and you can't make people practice normal human behavor, you can't force people to be something they are not. But you can love, and you can practice lovingkindness. And you, my sweet bluepoppy, can do it. I'm really proud of you, for having the presence of mind and heart, to realize what needs to be done.
posted on: November 15

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Tonya says:
I discovered you through my friend, Margaret, and yes I have a coupla cents worth! I deal with this same "crap" from the weak, arrogant, stupid, insincere, untrustworthy, greedy, power-hungry, selfish and manipulative people who tend to rise to power and riches, and lord it over Me (us) the Peon. I do get so damned frustrated, but I don't think it's from a need to be "right". I think it's from the need for things to be "fair". Interestingly, I can say that over the course of 25 years of working experience, in most cases, the "arseholes" eventually received their just desserts. It's been amazing, actually. It generally takes a while, though -- I've watched from the outside because I'd moved on in all those cases. But there's always another arsehole to take their place! Oh, and also? Prozac helps! (heh heh)
posted on: November 15

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