Blathmac Blather, Ireland?s best blog reportage

It?s been over six weeks since there was a new posting at bluepoppy. Word on the street is that she is back from her self-imposed exile and Dublin?s own Archie Belemus caught up with the elusive minx.

AB: Let?s start first with your misleading post. You never went on holiday. You never went to France. And yet, you duped your readers into believing that you had. Why?

BP: Hang on there, carrot top. The fact that people thought I was going to France is a result of my shit-for-brains inability to communicate clearly. It might also have been a clear indication that my neurological circuits were overloaded and threatening to shut down like the 2003 Chicago Blackout. What I meant to say was that I was taking a break from blogging. A six-week sojourn from blogging. I tried to be clever and failed. Bite me.

AB: So you never went to France?

BP: No.

AB: Not even to the South of France?

BP: No.

AB: Now, since climbing back into the saddle, as it were, you?ve made some changes to the site. Most notably your faves and comments are missing. Gone chicken have you? Can?t handle the heat?

BP: Christ. Remind me to scratch Ireland off my list of places I?d like to visit.

AB: I?m not Irish.

BP: No?

AB: I?m a Yorkshire man.

BP: Well that explains the bad haircut, anyway. Won?t pay for something you can do yourself.

AB: Too right. Now quit dodging and answer the bloody question.

BP: Well as I tried to express in my last post, though admittedly the post was a bit incoherent--

AB: You write for crap--

BP: I needed to step back from the blog and get some perspective on it. It?s kind of a bizarre activity and I wasn?t sure what it was that I was doing. Also, the comments were really tough for me. They are out right now even though T got all in my face about it and tried to pressure me to keep them. It?s hard to explain, people who wrote to me were so freaking fabulous and kind and amazing, but somehow the comments made me feel pressured.

AB: Tosser.

BP: Plonker.

AB: (surprised) Nicely done.

BP: So, upon reflection it seems that despite my Yankee upbringing I found my need to acknowledge and reply to each comment overwhelming. I tried to---

AB: Hold on?I don?t get it?what?s the Yankee connection?

BP: Well if you knew anything about American culture, you pathetic islander, you?d know that in the South they have a warm and neighborly approach to strangers. Up North, on the other hand, particularly when you get deep into the rocky reaches of the granite state things are cold and hard-bitten and I?m not talking just about the weather.

AB: So, you?re telling us you have a biscuits-n-gravy heart keeping a Cajun rhythm under that austere New England shell.

BP: More like a barbeque rib keeping an Indigo Girls? harmony?but whatever. You get the point. I felt badly about not answering every comment. I tried to blow it off because when I comment on other people?s sites I certainly don?t need or expect a response. But I couldn?t shake it and so I couldn?t enjoy them and there was no way in hell I would have time to acknowledge them all so I just decided to go back to the way it was when I first launched?no comments.

AB: Rather selfish of you.

BP: It?s all about me baby.

AB: And the faves?

BP: Same thing?I couldn?t keep up with all the sites I was finding and loving and I was feeling guilty for not keeping up so I did away with it so I wouldn?t have to deal.

AB: You lazy cow.

BP: Sod off.

AB: (appreciative) You?re not quite the milquetoast I was expecting.

BP: And you?re not Daniel Day-Lewis.

AB: So, what were you doing these past seven weeks and don?t feed us any horseshit about writing everyday cause we know you?re just a reincarnated Edwardian dilettante who is still amazed she has to work for a living and can?t just sit around and stare at the clouds all day.

BP: You know there was a guy who did that and --

AB: Did what?

BP: Sat around and stared at clouds all day.

AB: And?

BP: He?s the one who came up with the chaos theory, or maybe it was the string theory?one of those important, breakthrough concepts.

AB: You might think about a daily dose of ginko---does wonders for the memory.

BP: Feck off.

AB: So what did you do?

BP: Eh, not much. Most of the time I was doing field research on the differences between weltschmertz and ennui.

AB: Yeah? And what conclusions did you draw?

BP: That even though I believe we create our own reality, somehow knowing that is the booby prize since in order for it to serve us we have to actually rewire our subconscious mind which is, in fact, a bitch to do.

AB: Not really the epiphany I expected.

BP: I?m a disappointment to many people, get in line. Or should I say queue?

AB: I was kind of hoping you would have landed another book deal.

BP: No. Book deals are for non-fiction or the big people. Right now I?m working on a story and it would have to be done before I could ship it out.

AB: Can?t quite say the n-word, can you?

BP: (pukes quietly off to one side) Sorry about that. Uh, no. I can?t. It?s such a loaded word.

AB: (yawns) Okay, I?ll bite. What?s the story about?

BP: See for yourself.. I?m going to post chapters weekly.

AB: Who are you, Dickens?

BP: God no?did you know Dickens was a freaking workaholic? He was totally an A-type personality.

AB: And you?re what?

BP: I have no idea?probably a K or maybe an L.

AB: Do you think anyone?s going to be the least bit interested in reading your book, week by week?

BP: I don?t know. But if they aren?t, that would be pretty important feedback to have as opposed to perpetuating a delusion about landing a book deal, doncha think?

AB: Aren?t you concerned about people stealing from you?

BP: People only steal from themselves.

AB: Ooohh, gone all Buddhist have we?

BP: Is that Buddhist?

AB: I don?t know. It sounded rather zen. So, a chapter a week?

BP: That?s the plan.

AB: And you?re not terrified of failing to keep up or churning out utter shite?

BP: (holds up her bandaged fingers) Why do you think I?ve gnawed my fingers down to the second knuckle?

AB: So you?re not as brave as we thought. How long do you think this will go for?

BP: I?m thinking about 10 ? 11 months. But we?ll see. This is all new to me.

AB: So what can we expect from your posts if you?re gonna be expending so much mojo into this chapter book?

BP: Uh, dude?do you mind? Chapter books are for first graders learning how to read.

AB: So sorry. Your posts?

BP: Dunno?probably keep up with pics of my dogs and flowers?some opines, the usual.

AB: Are you sure you?re not British? Hounds and gardens, you sound like an old mum?one of those Calendar Girls.

BP: (flashes her tits) Eat me.

AB: Anything else you?d like to share with your half dozen readers?

BP: I am sorry that I am not a more perfect human being and I apologize in advance for all my failings as a blogger. Y?all rock the mighty planet.

AB: That?s it then. Fancy a drink?

BP: Piss off.

(*NOTE: the use of an unidentifying photograph with the caption "not so-and-so" is a direct imitation of the original wit to be found on the about page of Dean Allen. My hope is that the esteemed Mr. Allen believes that imitation is a form of flattery and that he will not sue me for this and force me, blogless, out onto the cold, cold streets.)

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